Something I've never told you........ (page 4)

bebu

Dear Tink,

I totally agree, first off with what Lady Lee and others have written, that it isn't your fault what your father chose to do. He could have chosen another path entirely to deal with his frustrations.

But... (now I'm nervous!) It's the guilt from deliberately trying to hurt him is what I think is the nut to be cracked, not the false guilt from the suicide. If you can admit and be sorry for having a less-than-loving attitude (whether or not you would have invited him to the wedding), holding onto bitterness, and/or refusing to forgive your dad, then you can find freedom.

I seems clear that deep down, you really do love your dad. Give the gift of forgiveness to him, via prayer, and request the gift of forgiveness back. If you understand that God forgives you, then you will have a reason to allow yourself to forgive yourself.

Asking for forgiveness and forgiving others are like 2 sides of scissors. You need both sides.

Much love to you. Take care of yourself!

bebu

run dont walk

Thanks for letting me get it out and venting.

anytime, it's natural too feel guilty, but sometimes you can only do so much for family, and even if you had invited him, the same result probaly would of still happened down the road, I don't know all the details of your upbringing, but I do know you have a mate who cares alot for you, always remember that.

You will get over this, it may take 10 weeks, it may take 10 years, everyone is different, but DO NOT be hard on yourself.

freein89

Tink,

Sometimes it seems like anniversaries are worse than when someone dies. The first anniversary of my brother's death was way worse than when he died. Maybe its because the shock has worn off and all that is left is the pain. Like so many others here I can identify. My father always beat the hell out of my brother that died. Perry died of cancer at age 50, but his entire life was a disaster and I believe it is because of what my parents did to him. I grieved his life more than his death.

There is no time line for grieving, so don't add guilt for "not being over it". A big cry always helps. The big cry cannot be avoided and sometimes it hits at an inopportune time. I have had the big cry happen in public more than once. Try to be at home on the actual anniversary date, I would try to plan a day of grieving and go with it-a good wallow in misery will help get it out of your system. Someone mentioned writing a letter, I have done that and it works. It was cruel and nasty to go and leave you holding the bag, so let him know exactly how you feel. Tell him if you hate him, tell him if you love him, get it all out because its not good to go around all stopped up. No matter what you are feeling YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO IT! Hope this helps. My thoughts are with you my dear.

Deb

Tinkerbell4125

This morning I sit down at my computer and I can't believe all the replies!

I've read every word to every post and words can't come close to justifying my appreciation. I will really take to heart each and every word you said. It means more than you'll ever know. In the past, I have attended a support group for suvivors of suicide. Since I am approaching the anniversary, I will go back for awhile. The grief for this is so intense, it makes it hard to deal with it. I've always taken great pride in being strong. Through my life I have endured many tough things and always, ALWAYS picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started back up full speed ahead. I want people to know that if they are depressed or hurting, that you can get help. When you take your own life, you change the lives of those around you forever. Sometimes it's unbearable.

Cruz, I am sorry to hear that you have gone through this too. My dad shot himself too. He walked into the living room and told mom that he was *sick and tired of being sick and tired* and put the pistol to his head. My mother aged 10 years that night and to know that he did that in front of her is something that I will never *get over*. I watched him die later in the intensive care unit. . I hate what it's done to me. I would love to talk to you too sometimes, not just about our fathers, but on other things too. There's just something about knowing the other person has been through the same thing you have.

Bebu, I never looked at forgivness as a gift before. That is great advice something that I will definately strive to do.

Lady Lee will you adopt me? =:o)

Myself, we go back a long way. I'm sorry I didn't show up to Noidea's party at the 101st Airborne Resturant. Can we hook up at the next j.w meet-up. I haven't been in a long time. WorldyGirl went last week, but I haven't heard how it went. Can we try to hook up soon for grill out or something? I really would like to catch up on things.

You guys are too much! I do feel better today, *with your help*. Thank you all again!

Tink

Lady Lee

I think it is so great that so many came in with their suggestions. By all means the support groups can be a life-line and even better Tink if you've been before - helps lessen the anxiety of going and what to expect.

Yes we pick ourselves up and keep going. But sometimes we need to stop and allow those feeling to "be" there before moving on.

(((Tink))) consider yourself adopted

(((all those who responded here))) - you are an awesome lot

myself

Tink, It would be great to get together soon. Next meet-up or sooner. Let me know what is best for you okay?. Noidea's work schedule is getting ready to change (rotation) so we soon will have Saturdays off together at least for awhile.

bebu

Tink,

I'm glad that you can feel loved and helped here by so many.

Just in case you need them, here's some more flowers for you...

bebu

Tinkerbell4125

I love you guys!

Thank you Lady Lee, Oh I mean, Mama! =;o)

Myself, we'll hook up soon, I promise.

Cruz, I'll call you! You're a southern gal too! I knew you were alright! I'm in Nashville Tenn. Don't be surprised if you don't get a call from me from out of the blue!

I'm tired and drained today...gonna rest up today..gotta work tomorrow.......

Love to you all...........Tink

CC Ryder

Wow! Thank you all for giving Tink such kind words and advice. She and I went to a company dinner a few weeks ago. We sat with a guy I work with and his wife. During conversation, the topic of our parents came up. Tink simply said her father was deceased. Later on the drive home, she said how bad she was feeling. She said it bothered her not to be able to explain what happened to her father and to just say "he was deceased". She then said that she thought her father took not getting invited to our wedding hard, and that she was feeling that might have contributed to his action.

I told her basically what all y'all have. It wasn't your fault Darlin'. We'll be going to a SOS (Survivors of Suicide) meeting soon. I always attend with her and when we leave it always brings comfort to Tink to see that she really has come a long way and that she is moving on in her life.

Tink always makes the comment that she is glad not to be back where so many others now find themselves, back at the beginning. Everytime we attend (once or twice a year) there are many there who recently lost loved ones to suicide. It is very heartwrenching, and words cannot describe the feeling in your heart for those survivors.

Thank you all for looking after my little Tink. She's the best person I know and will EVER know.

Tink"s Hubby.....CC

Aztec

CC, I'm glad she has someone like you to look after her in person. Going through day-to-day life after someone close to you commits suicide has got to be tough! Take good care of her and reassure her that it really isn't her fault!

~Aztec

Something I've never told you........

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