Marrying "Only in the Lord"

by TMS 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  TMS

  The Wt definition of "only in the Lord" meaning only dedicated Witnesses of Jehovah in good standing greatly narrows the field of eligible mates. This has brought about some unusual unions because of the circumstances, involving people who would ordinarily not meet, let alone marry, if it were not for a shared belief system.

  What unusual couplings have you seen in your JW days? How large was your personal field of possibilities and did it include some unusual options? Would you have found someone more compatible in a university or work setting?

  TMS
• 

  Englishman

  Well, I was very limited in my choice of a partner. When the Claudia Cardinale lookalike smouldered out of my life, there was just a couple of short dumpy pioneers left who were desperate for a shag.

  I made an honest women out of one of them, we had nothing whatsoever in common except a morbid fear of demons. The marriage lasted 3 years before she hitailed it with several sailors from HMS Lowestoft.

  Englishaman.
• 

  Lindy

  Both of my marriages resulted from being a JW. Raised that way the options were very slim. Coming from a family that had it's own issues and the resulting self-esteme issues really put a cramp on my style. My father was not a JW, which made it even worse. Our family were nobodies, so we got to choose from the other nobodies.
  If I could have chosen from all the guys that I knew, I definitely would have chosen a man that was not a JW. I had my eye on several here and there. I would have went to college first and then chose someone more compatable. But you can't go back...only forward. At least my girls won't be stuck in the same situation as I had.

  Lindy
• 

  TMS

  In 1972, the 18 year old son of an elder in an adjoining small, rural congregation fell in love with a petite 35 year mother of five sons. Despite his father's objections, the young man married the sister, becoming a step-father to her sons, the eldest being just a year his junior.

  Mature beyond his years, the young man became a real father to the boys, weathering several behavioral problems and one severe psychiatric one. The couple still appears to be happy and the kids have grown and moved on.

  In 1965 a flighty redhead from the Texas with a high school knowledge of Spanish, attended an assembly in Mexico. She was smitten by a suave brother, who had served at Bethel for 15 years and now was in business. They were married and moved to the states. Brother H. had an aristocratic bearing, genteel and mannerly, and by all accounts was extraordinarily eloquent in Spanish, but spoke broken English.(Brother H. and I once witnessed in an area on South Padre Island populated by the ultra-rich from Mexico-homes beyond belief. Householders recognized his breeding and class, the response being overwhelming) Sister H. never missed an opportunity to publicly correct her husband's English pronunciation and belittle him. The marriage ended after 5 years.

  What do these two experiences prove? Nothing. Except the obvious narrow field most of us have chosen our mates from, choices not based on compatibility, similar career interests or talents, but the mere fact we are breathing, marriagable JW's.

  TMS
• 

  larc

  Back in the old days you were allowed to date without having immediate marrage on your mind. That was a good thing. I dated several of the sisters. I found most of them to be superficial. By contrast, I found my wife of 37 years of marriage now (and they said it wouldn't last) to be very intelligent.
  Even though nice boobs and legs account for a lot, I think intelligence accounts for a lot more in a partner for life.
• 

  Mulan

  I met my husband at a party, the JW kids had a few times a year. He was pioneering, so a great catch, right? I was a junior in high school and he was 19. We talked and talked for hours the first time we met. We spent an entire Circuit assembly together, talking again. We dated for a few months and got married in late December, during Christmas vacation of my senior year. I went back to school after the break. It was 1963 by then (January) and the Vietnam war was just starting up. Several other girls in my school were married to servicemen over in Vietnam, so it wasn't unusual to be a married student. I stayed in school for awhile, but finally dropped out because I wanted to have a baby. I did finish and got my diploma, but not attending the school. Now, it is 38 1/2 years later, and we are still together, and we still talk ALL THE TIME. That was the key for us. We immediately bonded intellectually. He is very intelligent, an amazing teacher (taught the TM school for about 15 years) and then was the WT conductor. He owns a business with our eldest son, who was 37 last November. We have four children, all out of the Borg, and 7 grandkids. If we hadn't been dubs, I would never have met him, but would probably have gone to college too. Who knows what might have been, but I'm glad I made the choice I did 38 1/2 years ago. I got a winner!!
• 

  Free2Bme

  mmm interesting topic.
  My experience was that raging teenage hormones were a major factor in choice of mate.The majority of my peers married at 18 to the first person they felt attracted to.Some seemed happy but others definitely were ill-matched.
  Having the same belief system is actually quite a factor in Witness marriage.After all being a JW swallows up your whole life and keeps you far too busy to analyse your marriage.Any gaps in communication are full of chat about witness stuff.Everything in your life revolves around that.If you have any nagging worries about your relationship the society even offer marriage counselling in their publications or you could approach an elder to lay bare the problem.
  Just like the friendships you form in the org. no matter how well you hit it off and the years of closeness you enjoy the "Truth" is the glue creating the bond.
  Take away that common goal and belief and the friendship or marriage is more than likely doomed.Or is it?
  It would be interesting to hear from any ex-JW's about their experiences with their Witness partner and how their relationship developed when the common denominator was gone (or,of course JW's experience when their mate left the org.)
  I suppose for me the "only in the lord" ruling played a part in my downfall because I simply never met a marriage mate in the org. To my credit I did not do as other young JW's did - have a fling with a worldly person here and there.I was very strong about steering clear of temptation and all that.When I finally got round to having a proper relationship in a full sense I had left the org. for a while and did not feel I could be called a hypocrite for allowing my loneliness to take over.After all God created us with a natural desire to find a mate and I had certainly put years and years of prayerful thought into it to no avail!!
  My husband's family would have liked me to convert to Islam but fortunately hubby wasn't concerned about it.Our relationship is a meeting of hearts and minds with a strong friendship and religion doesn't affect it.We give eachother space about our beliefs which of course would be impossible if I was a JW as I would be duty-bound to try to convert him !!

  Luuuuuuuurrrve
  Free
• 

  CathyM38

  I would just like to post my experience with marrying "only in the lord". When I was 19 I was very anxious to get married and enjoy all the good things that went along with it, including sex and companionship. I met my ex husband at a circuit assembly and we started dating, but he was far from the ideal witness. He did not take care of himself physically, swore way too much and drove way too fast. My parents couldnt stand him but I married him anyway. We were probably happy a few months, but I was quite disillusioned since one of the things I really looked forward to was actually sleeping in the same bed with someone and he didnt like that, said it made him feel "smothered" or to that effect. But being married "in the truth" then I was stuck. To make a long story short over the course of 12 years of marriage he was very good at making me feel low and small and was very verbally abusive. When I got pregnant he got very angry with me and took off to live in the City and proceeded to have an affair or two which I didnt find out about for about three years. He eventually got disfellowshipped but we still stayed married for the religion and the sake of our child Finally in 97 I had got involved with someone I work with, we got separated in June 97 and divorced Jan 99 and wo uldnt go back to him if you paid me. I have a boyfriend now I love very much who is NOT a witness but does SO much more with his life and treats me SO much better than he ever did, so so much for marrying only in the lord.
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  esther

  Mulan, you said "I met my husband at a party, the JW kids had a few times a year." The poor JW kids don't get much chance to do that nowadays. They can only have small parties, big ones are a no-no. No meals provided at conventions=no meal preparation=less chance to socialise with kids from other congregations. Get-togethers after the convention are frowned on=less chance to socialise with kids from other congregations. Perhaps the WTBTS is trying to cut out marriage altogether.

  esther
• 

  ozziepost

  Marriages amongst the Witnesses are in trouble, especially among the younger ones. The leaders may try to deny it by proclaiming that the dubs are living in a spiritual paradise, but the reality is quite different.

  Esther, you highlight another feature of living as a Witness these days; there's no "fun" in it. What can a Witness expect at their local Kingdom Hall? Repetitious talks given by grey suited elders, with grey faces, proclaiming a grey message of doom. (Have you noticed that the first 10 to 15 minutes of most Public Talk outlines deal with how bad things are in the world?) And what of circuit assemblies and district conventions? There used to be association by volunteering in the food service, etc. The younger folk could mix in cameraderie. Now, they can mix, given the chance but the whole atmosphere is of grey functionality.

  The congregation may serve as a centre for social activity but of course this is discouraged. Remember the time when we would have congregation picnics? Oh well, you can go group witnessing if you want to!

  No, don't go to the Kingdom Hall if you're looking for a partner!

  Cheers,
  Ozzie

  Freedom is not having to wear a tie.