Great topic TMS. My husband (a non witness) and I discuss this topic frequently.
I am a real people person. I also like to observe people. One thing I noticed growing up was that most of my friends parents didn't show affection to each other. I always wondered about this, because my parents who are witnesses always held hands at the KH, ect. They got married in 1958 in the "truth". To this day they are best friends.
IMO, that is not the usual in the Witnesses though. I know of so many very unhappy and frustrated marriages. So many unfulfilled people.
I too married in the "truth". A Bethelite of four and a half years. I was 21 he was 24. Within the first two weeks of marriage he started abusing me emotionally and verbally. We stayed together for almost seventeen years. Within that seventeen years, he managed to beat me down to almost zero self esteem. I gained A LOT of weight. I was very depressed. Clinically. You know not your everday blues. He hit me once, I beat the crap out of him and told him if he ever hit me again I would kill him. (every once in awhile my spunky self would come out) That resulted in an elder and CO telling me I should have never hit him. I did get in their faces that day and tell them they knew nothing about abuse and that they should never, never, never tell another human being not to defend themselves against abuse. I know that if I had let him get away with that, that would have never stopped. Of course during the last three to four years of our marriage that didn't stop him from holding me up against the wall by my arms and screaming his favorite verbal abuse (fu@#%$# bi@#$) in my face. (he was a MS BTW) He had also been an elder for awhile and a regular pioneer almost up to the end. It was truly horrible.
For some unknown reason he left me in September of 1997. We were divorced in May of 1998. What a relief!!! Of course, I had been so very lonely for so long. So in October of 1998 I started making efforts to meet some men.
Thinker came along. And the rest is Paradise history. I always knew that if I found the right person to be with it would be wonderful. And it is. We love each other beyond words. Share all of our innermost feelings and deeply respect each other. We are best friends.
TW
Marrying "Only in the Lord"
by TMS 17 Replies latest jw friends
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thinkers wife
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thinkers wife
Welcome to the board Cathy, I could hear my own experiences echoed in your words.
I am glad you have some hard won happiness. Never sell yourself short!!
TW -
LadyBug
I always wondered if I would get married. Finding a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with (JW's didn't divorce back then) was not easy. It wasn't till I moved states that I found my husband to be, although we only started out as friends.
Mulan like you I feel "If we hadn't been dubs, I would never have met him, .... Who knows what might have been, but I'm glad I made the choice I did ..... I got a winner!!"
My parents strongly opposed my marriage, but it was well worth going against them. And without the Borg I would never have meet my husband.
Esther (except for those that tend to do their own thing) I agree its harder for young ones in the Borg now.
BEW
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Abaddon
Weeeell, isn't it amazing how stupid we are when we're young and horny and in a cult??!!
Me, I got involved with a re-instated sister with a kid, 9 1/2 years older than me. I was a young MS of 22. My parents loathed her, and thought I was doing the wrong thing, and they were absolutely right.
But they came down on me, made all sorts of shit trying to put me off, and ended up in pissing me off so much that after dating for six weeks we got engaged. If they'd stood back and done nothing I'd have probably realised she was an emotionally needy anally retentive uptight over protective bad news bear who saw me as a nice young man with spiritual kudos to get hitched to.
Over four and a half years she emotionally brutalised me for not being what she wanted, while admitting that she wasn't in love wih me when we got married. I even got (ineffectually) hit a few times. It took me a year to get out after I decided I wasn't going to let her hurt me anymore, and me leaving her coincided with me walking out of the dubs.
I have no regrets in the sense I have two wonderful daughters, who (if I have anything to do with it) will not dedicate their lives to Jewhatsit, even if they do live with their mum.
However, I can't believe that we thought having kids together would make us a 'family'. It just underlined our differences and our inability of coping with them. If we hadn't had kids I would never have to see her again and that would be wonderful.
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CathyM38
Thinkers Wife, thanks so much for your welcome to the board and, it was with great interest I read your latest posting. In June of 1988 I was a very devout Witness, having been raised with the belief you should respect your husband no matter what and make the marriage work at virtually all costs no matter the consequences. I had wanted from the time I was a kid to have a family and at least 2 or 3 kids, ALWAYS. I met my ex and he paid attention to me, and I kind of ignored the fact he had serious issues with women since he had an abusive stepmother growing up, etc.. When we met I wanted to get married right away, but he told me not for at least 2 years, and as for the kids thing, just forget it, because "he was afraid of what kind of father he would be". But I thought I could change his mind. Anyways, in June of 88 I went to the doc and got a pregnancy test and found out I WAS, and walked home crying from the doctor even though I was really happy because I knew what the reaction would be from him. Well the first time I went for a visit it was $200 and we had no insurance then and he basically went ballistic on me, getting in my face and screaming at me, and at some point putting his hands on my throat. My mother was up visiting that summer from Florida where she lived, and I decided to go back to live with her. Well I discussed it with the elders of my cong and I will never forget the meeting because they said a prayer basically to the fact of "help Cathy know how wrong she is for leaving her husband". By this point my ex was no longer attending meetings, but not disfellowshipped yet. Anyways, I went to Florida and went to a couple meetings with my mom and the presiding overseer there also told me I was wrong, that my place was with my husband, especially at "THIS TIME", not even considering what a total abuser he was being to me. So I ended up coming back to Chicago, my ex moved out of our apartment and with "a friend" in the City, telling me he didnt want to live with me because he didnt want to fight. So, at what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, I was virtually alone except for a few friends at the Hall. When the baby was born he came to the hospital but left immediately after her birth because he was so upset she was not a boy. After that he came back to live with me, but it was not a happy marriage. His first loves were his job (which he never held one more than a year at a time, I had to go back to work full time one month after she was born) and the TV set, which he never hesitated to tell me he loved more than me. We had several fights where he got in my face (he was about six inches taller and 100 or more pounds heavier than me) and shoved me, and I had the police get to know him well lol. So now I feel I basically wasted my 20s on this loser, even though hes the father of my daughter that I would never trade for anything, but all in the name of religion and whats supposed to be for the best. He has never to this day made ANYTHING of his life, he went to French cooking school but never got a job as one, his life now consists of managing a cheesy pizza place, going home and hibernating in front of his television. I know much of this is in the past, but I do believe listening to him tell me how stupid and worthless I was for 12 years has affected me deeply, especially since I never had self-esteem in the first place. I don't believe being a Jehovah's Witness that it helps give you any kind of self-esteem at all; its not about what a good person you are; its all about what a SINFUL, HOPELESS person you are without God and Christ. I am not condemning either of these entities in the slightest, but I believe there has to be some balance there, you have to feel your own self-worth as well and I NEVER felt any really. I appreciate you all reading my novel lol. If anyone would like to be friends and e-mail me, my e-mail is [email protected]. Thanks for listening and being my friends guys!
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thinkers wife
Cath,
Loved hearing again from you!!! You can email me if interested, my box is open.
Would love to share if you like!!
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joelbear
Sigh,
I dated as a JW from the age of 15 to the age of 30 when I blossomed into, well, you know what I blossomed into.
Since I was an auxiliary pioneer, then pioneer, then Bethelite, then pioneer again, I had a good bit of attention from spiritually minded sisters through mine and a couple of neighboring circuits.
Of course, they knew not what frustration lay ahead of them.
Joel's dating ritual.
1. Approach sister at circuit assembly or wedding.
2. Go out with sister with large group of friends.
3. Astound sister with Bible knowledge and ability to get group to decide on restaurant (experience with field service groups proves to be of value at last).
4. Take sister out and treat her with utter respect while simultaneously dazzling her with effective gifts (note: if the brother you are dating has better taste in jewelry and fine gifts than you, you probably ain't getting any that night).
5. Meet sister's parents. Impress them with spiritual goals, knowledge, etc. Ward off suspicious looks from mother who has heard from her daughter that you haven't touched her yet.
6. Date sister for 5 or 6 months or until her frustration level peaks leading her to believe that she is unattractive and that is why you haven't copped a feel yet.
7. Break up with sister or await sister breaking up with you. Move on to next unsuspecting sister.I actually make light of this. But my guilt involved with hurting these unsuspecting sisters was a major factor in my eventually leaving.
I did kiss a sister once, Labor day 1986. It was most unpleasant.
hugs
Joel
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Prisca
Joel,
Now I know what was wrong with some of the guys I knew....
P.S. If the guy loves shopping more than you do..... RUN!!