Help - I'm in Love

Downdog01

Hi,
Hi I work with a smart, sexy, single JW who I get a along with great and over the years I've developed enormous affection for her. Based on this I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I am not a witness and though I would like to pursue her romantically my sense is if she were to accept my overtures it could ruin her life since her family is very involved in witnessing and close association with one such as me could lead to reprimands for her.
My question is this. Is it possible for a witness to date and later marry a non-witness who is open to her continued activity as a JW? If so how should this person present himself to seem OK to JW's even though he does not share their beliefs.
Thanks for your help and insight,
DownDog

Fredhall

Who is this smart, sexy, single sister? I want to get to know her.

Simon

It all depends on the attitudes of the people involved.

She may just be in need of someone to rescue here from it all ...

... just don't expect it to be easy.

Francois

The odds say that you'll never be accepted by her family, friends or anyone else in her personal circle - unless you become a card-carrying member of the Borg.

If she leaves the Borg, she may be consumed by guilt. Especially if she did it for you.

The swamp you contemplate wading into can get not only nasty, but surreal. And if the relationship evolves all the way into marriage (remember, JWs regard dating in terms of prep for marriage only), and there are children, AND she decides to go back to the Borg, you could be in for some very nasty sliding indeed.

Finally, remember this truism:

All that glitters isn't gold

And things look very, very different after a relationship settles down into creeping in at its petty pace day after day after day until the last syllable of recorded time. [8>]

Downdog01

I'm sensing that this is a rutted path with many perils where only the stout of heart or the very foolish will venture. As a result all the best advice is to give up this idea and move on.
I keep reminding myself that the Dalai Lama says, "Great Love requires great risk." But maybe I'm just a selfish egotist who hopes to beat the odds.
Does anyone out there have experience with this type of situation?

Flip

"Great Love requires great risk."

Downdog01,

The definition of risk isn’t “ignoring reality and allowing the 'little head’ do the thinking for the one above your shoulders.”

Flip

d0rkyd00d

I guess I'm kinda a hopeless romantic, but i personally think love can overcome ALL. Love is the only thing in this world worth living for. You have a lot to lose, but so much can be gained too.

Sunbeam

Hi Downdog

I've been in a similar situation to you. When I met my husband 6 years ago he was a JW and I was an atheist. We're still married, so I don't know if you'd describe me as stout of heart or foolish :).

As Simon has said, a lot depends upon the attitudes of the people involved. If she is already an 'independent thinker' (a sure sign of spiritual weakness to the JW's) with doubts about the WTS, she may be open to considering an alternative lifestyle. However, if she pursues a relationship with you, all her friends and family will regard her at best as a 'bad association' and won't view you too kindly either. Don't expect any of them to come to your wedding (if you get that far).

Strangely enough, if you do attain the respectable status of a married couple then your new family, having initially regarded your relationship with hostility, will probably treat you as though you have the memory of a goldfish and try to coax you both into the 'loving' atmosphere of your local kingdom hall.

It occurred to me too that the easiest option could be to go along with it or simply join the club. But once you've been exposed to a site like this and discovered that the nasty 'apostates' (ex-JW's) and 'evil slaves' (non-JW Christians) are actually the good guys, you're likely to become obsessed with helping her to see beyond the deception. The fact that she is expected to remain obedient to the WT's governing body to the point of death will also start to prey on your mind. A sure recipe for you to lose your marbles.

In my opinion, she needs you to be a friend rather than a boyfriend. As a friend, you can start to plant doubts about the WTS really being God's organisation on earth. Leaving the WTS will turn her life upside down, but I've yet to hear of an ex-JW who wishes they'd never found out the truth about their religion. They only regret not seeing through the deception earlier.

The worst thing that you can do is to try to 'bring her to her senses' by confronting her with negative material about the WTS, as she has been trained to regard this (and anyone who uses it) with fear and revulsion. A good strategy is to learn about groups that hold similar beliefs and that use similar mind control techniques (e.g. Moonies, Mormons) and find ways of discussing them with her. The aim is for you to drip-feed information so that she can begin to see the similarities with her own religion. Don't try to go for a knock-out blow, let her gradually draw her own conclusions. If you choose this option, it's going to be more a case of 'Great love requires great amounts of background reading'. Randy Watters' Freeminds site is a good starting point on WT doctrine/psychology/etc and Steve Hassan's book, 'Releasing the Bonds', re. strategies to help victims of mind control begin to think for themselves, is spot on.

If these techniques work, then a relationship is a possibility. Of course, I can't begin to speculate about where that could go. My husband started out trying to JW-ise me, but whilst researching his religion and the bible I ended up converting myself to mainstream Christianity. Now I go to church and he's not remotely interested in any religious beliefs.

Whatever you decide, you can be assured of the support of some great folks on this board.

Sunbeam
xxx

Downdog01

Sunbeam,
Thank you for the encouragement, suggestions and wit.
I think my lady love is too intelligent not to have some doubts, yet she also seems very committed. Her whole family are witnesses and they are close, so the idea of leaving is very threatening. Plus all her childhood memories are tied up with doing stuff like going d2d, so leaving could not be taken lightly in any way. Still she had some questions about Franz's book when she learned I'd read it and liked me well enough to start a personal bible study with me until it became clear we would spend most of the time with me picking the bad logic of the literature apart.
I'll get "Releasing the Bonds" and try to be her friend, till something more seems to have a possible positive outcome. If it is true that "great love requires great background reading" I may be up to the task. Any further suggestions on your part would be appreciated.
Thanks Bunches,
downdog

thinkers wife

Down Dog,
Based on what I have read of your description of your Lady Love, she is definitely having some doubts. Very fresh indeed though.
First clue. JW women never study the Bible with men. Just isn't done. So the fact that she agreed to a private discussion with you is interesting to say the least. Second clue, JW women don't develop relationships with "worldly men". Again, she has deviated from the usual mind set with you.
Sounds like there could be some hope. But do not ignore what all the others here have said to you. It could be a long rocky road, and in the end, you don't want her to resent you for what she has lost.
The post about planting seeds of doubt seems to be the most logical course to me.
I am an ex JW. Born and raised in it. I was already on my way out when I met my husband, Thinker. But his interest and loving concern in my background of being a JW has really helped me to see far beyond what I saw about them when I was on my way out.
If you really love this lady, patience and genuine concern for her feelings is of ultimate importance!!
Good Luck!!
TW

Help - I'm in Love

Share this