a unique situation

by stuckinthemiddle 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  Diogenesister

  Stuck in the middle never found any truth in them and truly dislike them for their involvement with the mistreatment and attempted genocide with my native race, the trauma and intergenerational effects they bred in us

  I don't know what tribe you are from, I am english but am very interested in the history of your people , I have read many books of the history of First nation peoples in the Americas - the trail of tears, chief Joseph and the Nez Perces, the Modocs, the story of the Quahada Comanche's Ten Bears and Quanner Parker, the Kiowas and Satanta, the Oglala Sioux and Chief Red Cloud, Sitting Bull and the many eloquent orators whose speeches reduce you to tears when you read their love of the land and their people and the deep regret and sadness at what the europeans wrought. I can totally empathize with what you are saying. It truly was a horrific genocide equal to any this world has seen...and as you rightly say the damage continues down the generations...I am truly sorry.
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  WingCommander

  Run. Run as fast as you can, and as far away as you can. Your "partner" isn't ever going to truly leave, and he's apparently some momma's boy who's too whipped to even stand up for his kids or YOU.

  Nothing is ever going to get better in this situation. It's all downhill from here. Take note of what you have, and leave. Leave now, and spare the rest of your adult life. Thank me later in hindsight.
  
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  stuckinthemiddle

  Thank you Diogenesister. It is always valued when a person respects and acknowledges our pain.

  I am of Odawa nation, although I was never raised traditional, never taught our language, my mother was taken away at the age of 9 up until she was 18 and her upbringing in the institution greatly affected her way of life which resulted in my diminished sense of being. I had to seek out traditions and language on my own. My mother did stay after 18 for a few more years to earn a degree within the same sect, but at the cost of her culture and self-identity. She hadn't recovered completely, and slowly started speaking the language that was beat out of her not until her 40's or 50's. I used to think her situation made her easy prey for JW's but I see all she wishes to do is give hope to people who never had a chance in life, those who never knew hope. She doesn't push people to believe or get baptized, but the study of hope is better than nothing at all. There were a few people who came up to me, gave me a hug, and told me my mom made them rethink suicide. She never showed affection when I was a child and I was already a degenerate kid when I ran away. When we later reconciled is when I noticed the huge change in her psychological state and I finally had a mother. To this day she doesn't judge me, she doesn't preach, she is so accepting even after knowing of all atrocities I've done or caused. I had not met any other jw's outside her congregation until I met my partner, so I never had a biased thought of its members. It was only until I met his parents, that changed. He's not whipped or controlled as some may think. Rather he will treat his family his respect even though they don't deserve it, because that is just who he is. He honors and shows reverence to my mother even though she has never said more than 5 words to him in 6 years, because that is just who he is.
  

  The Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada spent 6 long emotional years gathering evidence and testimonies of survivors of indian residential schools all across canada. The government along with the churches spent over 100 years physically, psychologically and sexually abusing native children as young as 5, sometimes killing them. They were forcibly taken from their parents to assimilate them to 'kill the indian' within. The commission ended up with a 10 volume final report with over 6000 pages within them. You like to read it seems, but I must warn you, it is extremely graphic and powerful. A very sad dark hidden reality in this country's history.
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  Lieu

  The problem with some people is they aren't satisfied with living their lives, they want to live yours too.

  Don't allow it, live your own life and raise your own family. The parents have already had their turn, it's your turn now.

  Leave so you can have peace to raise your kids.
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  wheelwithinwheel

  This may give you some insight into the dynamics of your described situation.

  Your partner is disfellowshipped. That is why there will never be eye contact, hellos, or thank-you’s from a JW. The JW leadership’s interpretation of the Bible forbids their members from acknowledging him. In reality it is the pressure used to try to force a return to the cult. Because his father is a church elder, he and his wife get a free-pass on the ‘no speaking to rule’ and are entitled to tell your partner what he should do.

  You sound like you’re doing well. Your partner sounds like a great person. You say his parents now avoid you like the plague. Good. Stop reaching out. You don’t need them to be a happy family and from what you say, you folks will live a better life having minimal contact. Establish some limits on what you allow them to do. Building the playhouse against your wishes was way out of bounds. If it really bothers you and they continue to intrude on your family values, you might want to think about dismantling it. Returning it will definitely send a message. Encourage the girls to continue enjoying the simple things in life. Love your mom. She sounds like a good person who has turned her life around. She unfortunately has done it with the help of a cult, but so what, she’s happy and feels fulfilled. She seems to be in a good place and may need the JW lifestyle to keep her there. Tell her you’re happy for her but that it’s just not for you. She will continue hoping and trying to convert you. Don’t get her hopes up unless you really want to join the cult. And be aware you can get sucked in. That’s exactly what your partner knows and is referring to when he talks about “tricks”.

  As to the kids RESP, don’t expect help from your in-laws. JW’s leaders discourage higher learning and believe their kids need to become full-time JW door-knockers.

  Without getting into a big discussion of your in-laws you need to be aware that their ultimate agenda is for you to conform to their concept of God pleasing….stop pot, get married, become a Bible-verse-quoting-JW and ultimately help to get their son undisfellowshipped and back in line.

  Concentrate on those who love you and live your life to be happy. If the in-laws are avoiding you, even bashing you, don’t lose sleep over it. You’re not required to reach out to them. Establish boundaries and don’t be shy to let others politely know when they are attempting to cross them. Thank God that your partner is aware of their ‘tricks’. You can have a great life ahead of you without the JW religion.

  Wheels
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  OnTheWayOut

  I hope I am understanding your opening post correctly. I had to read the beginning a couple of times to realize that the person you coincidentally met as a disfellowshipped JW was the same person who is your partner.

  Anyway, it sounds like the pioneer comes around for a nice easy hour or more of time when she studies with you. It's all about getting time. I doubt she expects you to ever progress or she would push to come more often. J

  W treatment of your partner is due to the disfellowshipping. They are supposed to shun him, not even greet him. Some either are not aware of the situation or are nice to him despite what they are supposed to do. His family overlooks the command to shun because they are family, and probably because nobody in the congregation is aware of their not following rules.

  Your mother sounds like a believer in the JW's, but she is also trying to be a good mother and allows her true self to shine through beyond the JW rules. Either way, she doesn't have to shun you and she (along with your partner's parents) can claim "necessary family business" as a reason why they don't shun your partner.

  I never figured out what RESP is.

  Lastly, grandparents want to be grandparents. Let them spoil the kids a bit and keep straightening it out the best you can. If they want to know what happened to the things they spoiled the kids with, be straight up and say, "They felt that someone else would enjoy that." or whatever the truth is. But I wouldn't want to try to stop/change them on that.