? for those being shunned who have little kids...

by flower 16 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  flower

  If you have young children and you are shunned by other family members what you have told your children about why?

  My son (4) and I need to have a chat soon and I'm really not certain what I am going to say to him. He loves his Auntie and Uncle and Gramma and he wants to see them. I dont think I did the right thing when I took him to our family reunion a couple months ago because ever since then he wants to be with and talk about them. It absolutely is heartbreaking to hear him tell me when he gets a new toy or draws a picture that he cant wait to show it to his uncle or gramma when they come over.

  I know we need to talk about why we cant go visit and why they wont ever visit us but I dread this conversation because I think it could really hurt him even at his age. So far I've been saying that we live too far away but he's a freakin brilliant kid and sooner or later thats not going to fly.

  Eventually, I will just tell him the truth..but just as much as he can comprehend at his age, but I cant seem to figure out how to word it. I dont want to sever the limited relationship we have with the few of my family and I'm a little nervous that he will say something to them about it on the phone as soon as we have our talk because he is upset.

  Is there a way to keep it nice and simple and not traumatize him?
• 

  SixofNine

  So far I've been saying that we live too far away but he's a freakin brilliant kid and sooner or later thats not going to fly.

  He's 4 flower. If you say it's too far away, it's too far away. I'd let it slide. He can always ask them to come visit him, if it really bugs him.

  I doubt that at this age he's able to understand the nuances of shunning.

  btw, nice to see your pixels again :)
• 

  flower

  I dont think he can understand shunning either but I just dont want him thinking its me that is keeping him from seeing them. When I repeatedly say that we live to far away to visit, to me that sounds so lame especially when we go other places that take a long time to get to. Lately hes been pushing me saying 'its not that far to grammas house'. I have a feeling the next time we hop a plane anywhere hes gonna want to know why we cant hop a plane to grammas.

  Thats why I want him to know there is a reason for this. I'm just unsure what to say.
• 

  gumby

  I'm just unsure what to say.

  Understood Flower.

  Even if he were a bit older......what would you say that would NOT bother or hurt him? The witnesses have made an ugly situation with things in which there is no easy cure for.

  I would think your parent/auntie, would at least see you long enough to pick up the kids once in a while to see them.

  Gumby
• 

  Jade

  
  ((((((((Flower))))) good to see you again. When my son was little(he was 4 when I left the dubs), he used to call my brother and mother on the phone who are still JW's. They would come pick him up and visit with him once in a while. He was too little to realize that I was not invited. When he got older all I could do was tell him that it was their choice and I wouldn't stand in the way of their relationship. Over time, he chose to limit that association. He's now 13 and doesn't want a lot to do with them because he doesn't like the whole shunning thing, especially of his mom.

  Hope all is well with you.....take care
• 

  SixofNine

  "they don't welcome mommy back there because of their religion" simple version. *be sure to roll your eyes with this one*

  "they don't welcome mommy there because we don't believe exactly like they do about religion" complex version, with the "we" thrown in for a bit o' parental team-building

  Add in an appropriate "I wish it was different" or "it makes mommy very sad" along with the very true "but it's their decision" *sigh* * but not too big of a sigh*.... you can't over dramatize this stuff, or the kiddos start believing maybe the freakazoid witness relatives are right, it really is a matter of life and death. Chill is key. Kids like chill. Truth is chillin'.
• 

  Latte

  Flower,

  I would ask his relatives what to do...they are the ones causing this aweful problem.

  They know that you know why it's happening, but make them think about the reality of what they are doing. Would Jesus behave that way towards a little 4yr old child? NO!

  I say this only because they are family and there is clearly a connection with your little lad. They way they behave towards little children in this situation is disgusting, but perhaps I was like that at one time............(big sigh )

  He loves his Auntie and Uncle and Gramma and he wants to see them.

  Best of luck Flower!
• 

  anglise

  Hi flower

  the trouble with asking the relatives how to explain is that they will most likely come back with "well we can see the children but not you so we are happy to see them on their own" or words to that effect.

  Would you really want your JW relatives with unsupervised access to your children. When you say no then it makes it your fault, so have your answers ready if do choose that route.

  You could still use the method, but make sure that your child has had some normal fun times first that would be denied by JW's such as a birthday party, fireworks, school friend to tea or similar. Having enjoyed this explain that the relatives cant see us very often because they dont like us going to etc. Then tell the relatives what you have said and done and your childs upset over this.

  Maybe the contact could be via the phone and letters for a while just to let the dust settle, and then things might be easier with new ground rules. But I do feel you have to give your children something positive first.

  Just a few thoughts. I hope you can sort this out quickly.

  Anglise
• 

  Singing Man

  You mean to tell me that you want to go along with shunninng and have your child learn of such a debased way of worship? You should set the example and show him or her that it is wrong and bust free from such a religion that causes family's to shun ignor or what ever you want to call it. Its wrong even a child can see it, they cry when their parents are shuned, mine sure did. And I could kick mysef in the ass everytime I think about it for putting them through that pain.
• 

  invictus

  Flower,

  my children are older - 8, 10 and 13 and even thou we don`t have immediate family here in Canada, our witness friends were really close to us so in them our children had grandparents, aunts and uncle. we are not DForDA ( as far as I know) but are very much shunned as a whole family. we told our kids everything and they stood by us.

  In a way I am glad that nobody calls, because I don`t want any of those so called friends to confuse our kids and tell them lies by pretending they care.

  so it is up to you to decide but I am sure happy that our kids are not exposed to that brainwashing anymore.i wish you all the best.

  invictus