? for those being shunned who have little kids...

by flower 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  LeslieV

  When I was DF'd 7 years ago my youngest was 5. She was very close to her JW family. This includes my side and my ex-husbands side. Unfortunately, the day they DF'd me they basically did the same to my children. Even their own JW elder father does not have anything to do with all three of my children.

  She would ask me all the time why we could not see Grandma, Aunts, Uncles and especially her cousins. I simply told her that her family loves her, but the religion they choose does not allow them to see me. If she would like to speak to them I would dial the phone and she could talk to them. After a few times of a young child having to pursue a relationship she ended that desire quickly.

  Now she is a teenager, as are my other children, and they look at this religion as a cult. They have no anger, but they will not be drawn into any fundamental belief. They are kind to their family when they see them in public, but their rejection of them makes them kinda shake their head. They saw through all of the BS without me having to be the one that slammed their family. Works the best that way. JMO

  Leslie
• 

  DJ

  Hi Flower,

  My daughter was 5 and I was pregnant with my son when we were first shunned. My daughter had a close relationship with my dad prior to that. When she asked me where Grandpop was...I was plain honest with her. I felt that if she was old enough to ask then she was old enough to be told the truth. She was sad and we shared tears over it. I figured that if she spoke to my dad and wanted to ask him why....then he ought to have to explain it to her. When my son was born, he didn't even know his grandparents or aunts or uncles until he was 4 when my dad became terminally ill and I was allowed back into the family to help with his care. My dad is still alive and my son is now 6, he knows that they are a different religion and that they do not like ours, and that one day they just may cut off all ties again. As for my daughter, she has outgrown her pain and realizes that some love is conditional. She's just fine and loves them anyway. I know that you don't want to hurt your little boy but I don't feel that you will, if you show him that it makes you sad too. Welcome him to the not so pretty world with all the love you can muster.
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  flower

  Thanks for your ideas, experiences and suggestions. Its not an easy situation but rarely anything is when dealing with the jw aftermath I guess.

  I think for the time being I'm going to leave this subject alone with him. But if he brings it up again I think will just tell him that we cant visit because Grandpop doesn't want mommy to visit anymore. If he mentions it to them on the phone, well honestly I think it should be up to them to struggle with trying to tell him more about why. I just dont see anyway to explain to a four year old about religion and beliefs and things like this.

  To be honest, although I hate to make my sons decision for him, I am wondering lately about whether this phone calls/once or twice a year visit/gifts once in a while type relationship that he has with them now is a good idea. I worry that he will grow attached to them and the next thing you know he is old enough to innocently say something to them like 'mommy and me arent ever gonna be jehovahs witnesses' and they drop him off like a bad habit and break his heart like they did me. I want to protect him from any more pain from the jw's or my familys but I dont want to go too far in trying to protect.

  I have a bad feeling, knowing my family, that now that hes 'mr motor mouth' hes gonna say something one day and its gonna be all over for them. They will try to protect their spirituality or heart or whatever from satans influences in the form of a 4year old.

  Anyway, thanks I appreciate the different perspectives and points of view
• 

  garybuss

  
  I wouldn't let a Witness within 100 miles of my kids. If they came to town, I'd leave with the kids. They are sneaky snakes and they slide in and divide families with their weasel ways. Any who are wise keep them away. I was wise too late. GaryB
  
  
• 

  Lady Lee

  Flower

  I have been in contact with a person who reads here but does not post. Your question got her thinking and she has asked me to post this for her. I think it is excellent advice so will post it as she sent it to me.

  ---

  My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with their own small children and significant JW relatives. Been there.
  
  It's appropriate to tell a 4-yr. old that some people have some really different ideas about God.
  
  Feel free to shorten this into something that works for you. You don't have to say it all at one time.
  
  Tell your child that some people think that God doesn't like some other people because they celebrate Christmas. Or Hannuka. And some people think that God doesn't like people because of where they live. Or what color their skin is.
  
  And way back to times long, long ago even wars started because people believed that God didn't like the other guys, only them. And sometimes they still have wars.
  
  Grandma and Grandpa believe that God doesn't like people who have birthday parties. Or people who vote for a mayor. Or a president. Or people who smoke a cigarette. Or people who don't go to their church only. (add your own goofy JW triviality here).
  
  And they believe that God wants them to never talk to ANY people who do ANY of those kinds of things EVER - even their own kids. Or they think that God might not like them either.
  
  I think Grandma and Grandpa are very silly.
  
  I think God loves everyone.
  
  I think God wants parents to love their children more than anything in the whole world. I think God thinks that is the most important thing in the whole world and even the Bible says that. And I will always, always love you.
  
  You can see Grandma and Grandpa sometimes if you want to, but I don't think it's a good idea to see them too much. Because sometimes people who believe goofy things about God can be very mean to other people and they don't even know they're being mean to them. They just think they're being good.
  
  It makes me very sad that Grandma and Grandpa won't talk to mommy. I don't want you to be sad if they decide one day that they don't want to talk to you, either. But they might.
  
  Because sometimes people like that do.
  
  And sometimes you just can't change the mind of people who believe goofy things about God. No matter how hard you try.
  
  I think that God would like for us to show them love and that's all we can do. And if they recognize God in our love, that's great. But sometimes people like that can live their whole lives and just never see that love comes from God. Not a bunch of silly rules.
  
  Any questions?
  
  As for me, at first my kid was a little startled. But they had a better idea of what was going on and that neither he nor I, had anything to do with it.
  
  As time went on, he started to see more and more how goofy JWs were and how superficial their love was. He took what they gave him and didn't fret too much about the rest.
  
  I think our conversation helped put religion in perspective and to understand that religion and God are separate things. I believe over time, it grew to give him some insight into religion around the world and throughout history.
  
  Useful, I think, at a time in world history when Muslims and Christians and Jews are all fighting. Tho I'll let his understanding of these things unfold for him as he moves on through his school years.
  
  I would advise you to refrain from telling her that her grandparents love her. I don't believe that it's a healthy thing for a child to hear or to grow up believing - that this is love and this is how love works and how love looks. It is not.
  
  Perhaps it's just better to say that Grandma and Grandpa are not very good at loving people. That you think that giving somebody the silent treatment is not a good way to show them that you love them. And you don't think that God thinks so either.
  
  And then maybe say a prayer for them with your child. You could say that most people who are JWs never seem to learn about the real love from God in their whole life. But once in awhile they do.
  
  But all you can really do is say a prayer for them.
  
  Hope this helps. It worked for us.
  
  

  ---

  In reading this again I think it is wonderful. Use the parts that will work for you. Kids love humor and it takes away the scary parts so "goofy" beliefs I think is pretty good. I know she will be reading along
• 

  Odrade

  LL, your friend's post was excellent. It's just how to reason with kids that age, so reasonable.

  ((((((Flower)))))) explanations are good, even at this age. But only you can know how much is enough, and what is too much. Good luck. Let us know when it comes up again, what you do, and how he handles it.

  Odrade
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  flower

  Thanks so much Lee, and friend..I really got some good ideas from your suggestions and when the occasion arises I have an idea of what will will talk about. I guess nows as good a time as any to bring up God and Religion and other evils that exist in the world. It will be a little different for us because I lean towards a more athiestic view at the moment and I dont intend to raise my son with the burden that believing in God brings. But I appreciate you sending your response through Lee.

  Thanks Odrade, I'll post again and let ya know how things are.