Wedding-related dilemma: help appreciated

by comment 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • comment
    comment

    I received a phone call from an old non-Witness friend tonight. He's just proposed to his girlfriend and they're getting married next summer. She is Catholic; he is agnostic. They're getting married in a Catholic church, with some sort of "moderate Catholic" ceremony.

    He has invited me to be one of his groomsmen.

    My situation is that I was raised as a Witness but have been inactive for several years (no field service and no meetings or conventions except occasionally in the company of my family, to please them--I live away from home). The wedding will take place in my hometown, where my family lives. It's a fairly big town but not huge (i.e. you do run into people you know there quite frequently).

    I told him that in and of itself, I would be perfectly happy to do that for him, and it's an honor that he asked me. But I don't want to run the risk of being disfellowshipped for it, and I don't want to create unnecessary friction with my family--I have quite a good relationship with them considering that I've stopped participating in Witness activities (they are all still "wholehearted servants of Jehovah").

    I can't locate my Watchtower CD-ROM. Could somebody please look up whatever references the Society has made on the point of participating in non-Witness marriage ceremonies? If they've loosened up on anything in recent years that I may have missed, do bring that up. I have honestly never been to a non-Witness ceremony in a church before, although I have attended wedding receptions.

    No doubt some of you will say that it's my life and I should do what I want and damn the consequences, but I've decided that this is what's preferable for me. I want to keep my relationship with my family, and if that means the odd meeting or convention, so be it, even if I disagree with 90% of what's being said. And I don't want this situation to cause complications either.

    I would also appreciate tips and experiences from anyone else who has been asked to participate (esp. as a groomsman) in a non-Witness ceremony in their post-Witness life.

    comment

  • Sassy
    Sassy

    My cd is in storage with my other literature. I turned down a friends wedding once for the same reason. Not sure what it gained me in the long run but you need to do what is best for you.

  • onacruse
    onacruse

    Hi comment! Nice to make your acquaintance

    This was the latest info I could find:

    *** km 11/83 p. 2 Meetings to Help Us Make Disciples ***

    23 min: "Have Your ?Perceptive Powers Trained.?" Talk. Include 5-minute demonstration on paragraph 7. Teenage daughter asks her father if she can attend cousin?s wedding, to be held in a church. Asks if Society would approve. Suggests father call or write. Father helps her see it is Jehovah?s approval we want. Society has already given guidelines. Gets 1971-1975 Index. Subject "Weddings, attending worldly" refers to December 15, 1974, Watchtower, pages 766-7. Asks her to read the material and later tell him if she still wants to attend. Speaker concludes with comments on value of The Watchtower. Help our neighbors see value of subscribing during November. One-minute closing scene where daughter comments that Society does not say can?t go, but after seeing all dangers involved has decided not to go.

    *** w74 12/15 pp. 766-767 Questions from Readers ***

    Questions from Readers

    ? What is the view of Jehovah?s witnesses toward attending the wedding of a worldly acquaintance or relative?

    In the case of minors who contemplate attending, the final decision rests with the parents. Otherwise it is a matter for personal decision, with each Christian being willing to bear his own responsibility. However, there are Scriptural principles and a wide variety of circumstances that should be considered.

    The wedding ceremony may be conducted in a religious building and by a clergyman. This would make it quite different from a purely civil ceremony. A true Christian could not conscientiously join or participate in any prayers or religious exercises that he knew to be contrary to Bible teaching. Nor is he interested to see how close he can come to apostate acts without overstepping the line. He is under obligation to heed the Scriptural command: "Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers. For what fellowship do righteousness and lawlessness have? . . . Or what portion does a faithful person have with an unbeliever? . . . ?Therefore get out from among them, and separate yourselves,? says Jehovah, ?and quit touching the unclean thing.?"?2 Cor. 6:14-17.

    Understandably, one invited to attend a wedding of worldly relatives and acquaintances may at times be faced with quite a problem. For example, the invitation may have been extended to a Christian wife and her unbelieving husband. He may think that both of them should be present for the wedding. Yet she may be troubled about it. She may reason that, if she were to attend a church wedding, the emotional pressure of the circumstances could cause her to do something wrong. On the other hand, she might conclude that, out of regard for her husband?s wishes, she could go with him merely as a respectful observer, but being determined not to share in any religious acts.

    Regardless of how a wife might view the matter, it would be to her advantage to explain her position to her husband. If, on the basis of her explanation, he comes to the conclusion that his wife?s presence may possibly give rise to a situation unpleasant to him, he may prefer to go alone. Or, he may still want her to go with him, but as a quiet observer, in which case she will have to decide whether to go.

    Something that deserves consideration is the effect that attending a wedding in a religious building might have on fellow believers. Could it injure the conscience of some? Might their resistance to engaging in actual idolatrous acts be weakened by this action of yours? A Bible principle that comes into the picture is: "Make sure of the more important things, so that you may be flawless and not be stumbling others up to the day of Christ."?Phil. 1:10; see also 1 Corinthians 8:9-13.

    At times an invitation to a wedding may include being actively involved as a member of the bridal party. What if this required participation in certain religious acts? Manifestly one desiring to be pleasing to God could not share in acts of false religion; the person must act in harmony with his Word. But a Christian could explain just how he feels and point out that in no way does he want to mar the joy of the wedding day by being responsible for what might prove to be an embarrassing situation.

    In matters of this nature, Christians must carefully weigh all the factors involved. Under certain circumstances they may conclude that no difficulties would arise if they were to attend as quiet observers. On the other hand, the circumstances may be such that a Christian may reason that likely injury to his conscience or that of others by attending such worldly wedding outweighs the possible benefits of attending. Whatever the situation, the Christian should make sure that his decision will not interfere with his preserving a good conscience before God and men.

    The usual "it's a matter of personal conscience, but here's 4,000 reasons why you shouldn't..."

    Good luck! fwiw, in your situation, I'd think that there won't be any problems (just my opinion).

    Craig

  • joannadandy
    joannadandy

    I dunno--if you're that worried about it--I wouldn't do it.

    I'm sure your friend will understand...and you can still go to the wedding...

  • La Capra
    La Capra

    Well, if you were to "get caught," it would have to be by two others that witness it. And what were they doing there anyway? It sounds to me that so long as you keep your eyes open and don't say "amen" after any prayers, you are in the clear (but be careful not to "think" amen). Smaller cities are tricky. Just don't advertise your presence, slip in, celebrate, slip out. (once again saved by the two witness rule.) Shoshana

  • woodland
    woodland

    I didn?t have an acting role, but one of my friends recently got married in a church. It was really weird because although I left the religion almost 7 years ago, I had never been in a church before. It took me a long time to make the decision whether or not to go, as I have a slight aversion to all organised religion, and I thought the minute a preacher mentioned god I would have to really restrain myself not to jump up and punch him on the nose. Anyway, in the end I went. I decided that it was my friends wedding, and if that was how she wanted to do it (in a church), then it?s not for me to judge, and I certainly wouldn?t want to miss her big day. It was a lovely wedding, although I did find the ceremony extremely farcical: no one present believed in god (not even the bride), or knew the songs etc. The bottom line is, contrary to popular opinion amongst a lot of families who are still Witnesses, I can confirm that Satan does not live in a church, or at least I didn?t meet him personally while I was there. This wedding is about two of your friends making a public commitment to each other, and they would like you to be present. Tell your family, or any elder that you wish to support your friends in the vow that they are about to make to each other, and it doesn?t matter if they choose to do it on the moon. Getting caught up on the fact that the wedding is in a ?church? is totally missing the point!

    Do what makes you feel most comfortable and you can?t go wrong!!!

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Another case of "JW's have got to be different for difference sakes, just because, regardless of any personal pain involved".

    Just do it!!! Be a real friend, to your friend, and enjoy their day with them

    Craig's quote has covered your ass, and I don't believe it's been superceded.

  • cruzanheart
    cruzanheart

    The worst that will happen is you'll be privately labeled as "weak," but since you don't live there anymore, who cares? Your parents may double their efforts to get you back to meetings, but all in all I think if you don't make a big deal out of it there won't be any problems. Go for it!!! And have fun!!!!

    Love,

    Nina

  • xjw_b12
    xjw_b12

    comment.

    I refused to be a best man for an aquaintance, for the same reasons. Fear of reprisal. I was an acitve JW at the time. I regretted it then, and I really regret it now.

    Don't let the boys in brooklyn make the decision for you.

    Edited to add: And he's an agnostic, but getting marriied in the church. Try that at the KH.

  • AlanB
    AlanB

    GO and be damned.....

    They cannot DF you for that, and if they dont like it thats their problem.

    <makes me mad>

    Let me know if you get that thing from the exorcist when you go through the church door, the spirits, lightening, etc..... kewl.

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