Howdy Scoob.
While I agree with those who say you (or anyone else for that matter) needs to make up their mind one way or the other, I say it must be done in your way on your own time table. Hey, it took me 9 years to make up my mind. I quit going in 1989 and didn't make a stand until the 1999 Memorial (so maybe that's 10; math is not my strong point).
In between I was miserable. I never wanted to stop being a Witness. I liked it, I liked the people. Oh sure there were things I didn't like, but not enough to stop going, until I was confronted face to face with the 2 eyewitness rule about abuse. I was so disgusted and so furious, I quit. But even then I still kept up with the teachings and continued to live like a Witness (no Xmas, birthdays, etc.) and kept the outlook of a Witness (the UN did something, must be a sign of the end) for years and years.
I used to beat myself up over a scripture in James (1:5-8), which says: "If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won't correct you for asking. But when you ask for something, you must have faith and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like an ocean wave tossed around in a storm. If you are that kind of person, you can't make up your mind, and you surely can't be trusted. Do don't expect the Lord to give you anything at all."
I saw myself as that man, and I took it all in that God wanted nothing to do with me because of my indecision. But what I didn't give myself credit for, is that I was asking in faith. I wanted to know where to go and what to believe. The amazing thing was that God was giving me an answer, it was just that I didn't like the answer. I was boxing God into giving me a certain answer (only JWs have truth, you must go back) and when I didn't get that answer, I made it that I was a bad person and God didn't care. But he did and he waited patiently for me to see what was there the whole time.
I see you in the same spot Scott, and I don't envy you. I also suspect deep down you know which way you're going to go, but I think you're just not ready to go there yet. And that's okay. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and I think when you are ready, you'll throw off this indecision like the heavy burden it is. And when you do, and you become the man you are meant to be you will look back on this period in amazement and wonder what took so long. Just realize that God doesn't make crap, and he knows who you are and what's in your heart and he's waiting, patiently and kindly, for you.
In the meantime, don't make the mistake I did. Give yourself a break, and don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can right now. You'll get there.
Chris
"Now we know almost everything, but we know seems incredible. Impossible." -- Hercule Poirot