Background: In March, my JW brother became a father, and I became an uncle for the first time. Shortly afterwards, I discovered that my brother had cut off contact with my father who was disfellowshipped over 20 years ago. See http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/49049/1.ashx
I have had no contact with my brother since. I wrote him the following letter about a month ago. No reply yet. Names have been blanked out to protect the innocent and the guilty.
Dear K___,
I hope you, N___ and E___ are well. I?m not really sure where to begin. Congratulations, I suppose. I?m sorry it?s taken so long, but I?ve found this letter very difficult to write. I think that?s understandable given the circumstances. It is primarily those circumstances that I?m writing about as I think they need to be addressed if we are to have any sort of a relationship. Please excuse the formal tone of this letter and the fact that it's typed. Both are purely for the purpose of clarity. It is intended in a spirit of peace and reconciliation and I hope you will read it that way despite the necessarily strong words it contains.
I was angry and disappointed when Dad told me you wanted nothing more to do with him. I'm sure it's not an action you've taken lightly as I know how much Dad's always meant to you, and I'm sure you knew what a devastating blow it would be to him. He didn't tell me exactly what you wrote in your letter, but it's difficult not to infer that your reasons are primarily religious rather than personal. (Let?s not pretend that it?s because he committed adultery over two decades ago.) That you took this action shortly after an article appeared in the Kingdom Ministry (August 2002) on how to treat disfellowshipped relatives certainly seems more than a coincidence.
Tellingly, that article quotes more from The Watchtower than from the Bible and what scriptures it does quote are typically isolated from their original context and applied in questionable ways. Certainly, to me, despite what that article tries to prove, such inhuman behaviour is incompatible with the principles of love, compassion and forgiveness normally associated with Christianity; it?s no more Christian when you do it to Dad than when Uncle S___ did it to Mum, nor is it any less despicable.If you will not consider the example of Jesus who unashamedly associated with people who were shunned by the leaders of his religion, perhaps you will at least consider the words of the August 1, 1974 Watchtower (p.467-8): ?It is right to hate the wrong committed by the disfellowshiped one, but it is not right to hate the person nor is it right to treat such ones in an inhumane way? and ?not ?mixing in company? with a person, or treating such one as ?a man of the nations,? does not prevent us from being decent, courteous, considerate and humane?. If that ?old light? still holds any sway with you, please at least consider the advice from that article rather than the harsher ones from more recent Watchtower publications.
Is there anything Dad could do to make you accept him again? Do you really expect that like the woman in paragraph 13 of the above-mentioned article, he?ll come crawling back to kow-tow to the people who have ignored him for twenty years, to sit at the back of meetings for months or years inviting further abuse until the powers that be decide he?s worthy of their recognition, and then to live a life of miserable celibacy under the rules of the Watchtower Society just so that you?ll condescend to talk to him? You surely can?t be that naïve. But if that?s not the purpose, then what is? Just to punish him and cause him misery? To please your father-in-law and his ilk? To retain your ?privileges? in the congregation? Or perhaps the clue is in the title of the Kingdom Ministry article ?Display Christian Loyalty When a Relative Is Disfellowshipped?; maybe appearing ?righteous? by such a display is more important to you than behaving decently. (Compare Luke 18:9-14) Or maybe, true to form, you are just giving into peer pressure.
Have you considered what E___ will think of you when he grows up? He might well admire what he perceives to be your unswerving ?loyalty to Jehovah? or he might be disgusted by the way you've treated your family and angry that you?ve kept him away from his grandfather. Will you shun him too if he's disfellowshipped? How will he feel knowing your love for him is conditional and will be taken away if he stops believing the same as you? What if he decides to shun you?
E___?s birth should have been a happy occasion for our whole family. Instead it has brought a huge amount of pain for which you and your religion are responsible. You have created this horrible, tragic mess and you are the only one who can fix it. I implore you to do the right thing and end this now.
So there you have it. The above is harsher than I intended, disjointed and inelegant despite the months I have spent agonising over it. But I know already, there are no right words, nothing I can say that will make a difference. All I can do is register my anger, disgust and disappointment. I trust I have done that sufficiently.
Nevertheless, while I find your actions utterly repugnant, I don?t intend to compound this tragedy by treating you and your family the way you have treated our father. I don?t think anybody could benefit from that. I can compartmentalise my anger and can indulge in the ?polite fictions? that allow civilised people to maintain relationships despite their differences. I need to know if you can do the same. I fought hard not to be disfellowshipped and chose not to formally disassociate myself from your religion for precisely this reason, but there are no circumstances under which I will ever again count myself as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. As far as I know, there are no Watchtower articles telling you how to treat me so you will have to make that decision for yourself. My problem lies in that even if you currently deign to acknowledge my existence, my status within your religion may change at any time and leave me subject to the same ruthless ?cutting off?. Alternatively, you may be issued with new guidelines on how to deal with someone in my position and I could face the same treatment. I don?t want to become attached to my nephew only to have him snatched away due to whatever ?new light? may appear in next week?s Watchtower. I don?t think it would be fair on me or on him.
So please make your decision and make it quickly. This has been looming over me for too long and I want it sorted out. I understand that it?s difficult for you as well, but you are holding all the cards. I can do nothing now but hope that you make the right choice.
I am, and will always be
Your brotherDerek
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Comments, anybody? Have I done the right thing?
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