Valis,
I think no matter what type of a background people come from, it is normal to be curious about sexuality - even at a young age. I don't know you well enough to know exactly what happened in your family, but I can guess from what you have written that there is a history of sexual abuse in your family, and not just with one family member. I think this makes it even more likely that you would be interested in sexuality at a young age. Because you were young, and human, you responded in a way one would expect you to respond given your circumstances. What you describe sounds to me like a perfect reflection of behavior models which say - if you provide a certain stimulus - you should expect a certain reaction. Your environment was the stimulus - and what you did with what you learned in that evironment is the response. The stimulus was CONTROLLED by the people in your environment - people who should have known better. You were a young child - impressionable, and without an example to know any better! Your response was a natural one. You are human! You wouldn't have behaved the way you did had you been in a completely different environment! I think most psychologists would be more worried about you if you hadn't acted it out - because who knows how it eventually would have manifested once you got older? The mind can do strange things. So, no - I don't believe it is your fault. Especially when you were the victim!
From what you've written, I get the impression that the reason these memories bother you is because you might feel guilty - from both the experiences with your cousins, and your siblings. It also sounds like you could be afraid of yourself in the sense that you fear you could fall into the trap all over again, this time as a responsible adult who knows better. I suspect even further, that how you feel about these two issues greatly affects your relationships with others, and/or potential relationships. I am being presumptuous, and if I am off-base, I apologize. But if I am on the right path, I think it is very important for you to *honestly* answer those questions yourself. It was unbelievably brave of you to lay yourself bare to everyone in here, but the only person's whose opinion REALLY matters to the questions you ask - are yours. You are so lucky to have so many supportive friends on this board, and I suspect that no matter how you answer your questions - you will still have those same friends when you get through to the other side! It is HUGE that you would even bring this up - it is the first step towards healing, and I believe that it is the healing you crave more than the opinions of your valued friends.
Eh! Something to think about, anyway.
Well, the doctor is no longer in. That will be 5 cents, please!
Your Friend,
imallgrowedup
