My story

SC_Guy

Dear friends,

I belive I signed up to this fourm a month or so ago, yet I find that durning this time it has taken some time for me to come up with a way for me to share what has happend in my breif period of living. I am 18 years old, male. I'd rather not share any more details regarding to where I live in fear of someone being able to trace me to where I am.

I guess you can say I'm not like some of the people here... so bitter over what has happend to them regarding JW's... I guess it may come with passing of time. I don't know about anyone else, but I can't feel anything but num from it all, and just some days I don't want to wake up and get out of bed and start another day... I don't know if sometimes I can deal with people and things in my life. Sometimes, the day goes better if I don't overthink things and move on with the pace life grants... and just continue that untill I hit another rock in the road in life.

The religion started with my parents... when they were young and married... 3 years into their marrige I believe. Way before I was born. I knew the man they studied with when I was about 7... he and his wife were very kind people and they had 3 children who also had children.. I played with them whenever I could. Life was simple, like I suppose it is for anyone who's 7 and 8 years old.. :) I remember bits and peices of that life, but I will never forget the thing that changed my life. My parents took us (me and my sisers) on a vaction to a place up north and we camped in that state for a week and a half. My parents loved the place so much they decided to move into the area, and looked for houses a few days before the vacation was over. I remember staying with my aunt a few months later while my parents went back into that state to look at houses some more. Later in the winter of that year, they bought a house and we moved.

It was January the first time I saw the house, it was brown and ugly. The insides were OK, but my parents had plans of remodling.. big time. That night, JW's from the hall helped us move in. I can't remember much else other than a blizzard hit late that night... I remember my first meeting at our new kingdom hall... there was one boy 2 years older than me... mean kid. Nobody talked to me... except this one brother. His name was rick he was from Ohio I think... such a nice guy. Rick lived in that area for 3 years before he became a CO... I haven't seen him since I was about 10 or 11.

When winter cleared, some of the brothers who were considered wealthy came back from their winter homes with thier awful children. There were 2 boys and a girl. I later formed a friendship with one of the boys who I still have contact with, and we are still friends. He is 20 years old, and still lives in the same place... he's a pioneer.

I guess you can say one of the things that hurt me when I was young was contact with a elder who took me under his wing. He was older, his wife had died... I'm not sure if he was a person who graduated from giliad but he oftan talked of his missioary service in Honduras and did parts on the meeting about it. His name is harold... he died awhile back, 2 years ago I think. God. It's hard for the words for what happend, I'll make it simple.. I spent the night some times with him, most of the time it was on saturday.. we'd go out in service.. go to his home stay the night and go home with my parents after the sunday meeting. I'm not going to say what he did once, but the act was so suddle. I told my parents right away...

They didn't believe me. I don't remember much... I think my mom believed me but there was so much fighting. My parents had me and them talk to the elders including harold, and he looked my parents in the face and lied. Somehow my father thought I was making it up for attention or because I wanted a toy or some such... my mom I guess was later convinced of it. I remember after it my parents would drop me off at this pioneer sisters house were we would have a bible study every week... I think because they thought I was a liar.

I didn't know that what happend to me at the time was sexual or unhealthy. I just knew it was wrong because my parents told me if someone touches you you need to tell us. I found out later about what he was doing with me when I was 14 or so. Beauty of the internet for you I suppose.. my parents never told me about sex so I looked it up! Ha.

Him doing what he did never had a huge emotinal impact for me (like some do have).. I always had and always will have bad feelings for it, I was led to belive I did something wrong for telling someone I was violated. Some days it's bad and some its not so bad. What hurts the most is now that I am older, I have had an attraction to men for many years. And, I'm still with JWs and still with my parents and sisters.

There.. never said it before. I'm gay. There.

I used to pray every night and ache for Jehovah to fix me. I would cry untill I fell asleep... I still do. although, I don't pray anymore. I have attemped suicide twice, once through asprin licor, another on a handful of codine... the second time my parents found out about and I'm still studying with the person they begged to help me. Later on I guess you can say I found out the truth about the truth. And belive it or not, not through apostates! :) It was through reading into the older WT bound volumes and finding things about 1975. I had questions... one thing led to another. As far as my parents know I'm a babtized publisher with above average hours.

My parents moved out of that area when I knew harold by the way. I live in a diffrent state now. We moved twice, really. I'm scared of the real world though, my parents homeschooled me so I have little contact with those outside of the congergation. My parnets have warmed up to the idea of me going off to college to study music preformace (classical music). And its strange that they have offered to help me out... you know, since college isn't really looked well on. I have made some friends on the outside, 2 or 3... and I am feeling myself slip away. I don't want to loose my family or my long time friends, but I am afraid of that being a step I have to take sooner rather than later.

But, thats my life thus far. I do feel better after typing this. Thanks for letting me share.

I'll try to stick around and talk.
-SC_Guy

Gopher

Welcome to the forum, SC Guy!! You'll find many here who can empathize with various elements of your experience. I'm glad you shared it.

And I hope you do get to go to college. What a wonderful balance and experience that would bring to your life. Go for it!

drwtsn32

Welcome SC Guy!! Incredible story... thank you for sharing. You are among friends here and I hope you find comfort. Please stick around!

jumper

sc: my name is joel i also have only started posting here in the last few days, and from what i have seen i think you will be able to find much support here. thank you so much for sharing your story.

Black Sheep

Hi SC

Thanks for sharing your story. A bit of an eye opener for me.

College sounds great, go for it. I made the mistake of believing my parents rantings about Armageddon and missed out. Still kicking myself.

Even though I drifted out at 24 without getting baptised I didn't wake up to the reality of the Troof until I was over 50 so I envy your getting out early to take advantage of what life without the Troof has to offer.

avishai

Wow. SC-guy, can you report this guy, maybe anonymously? Also, you may have a huge lawsuit against the society for non-reporting. I know you may not want to go there, but I would suggest you read some of the posts in child abuse & go to silentlambs.com & read up a bit. PM me if you want my phone #, if nothing else just to talk, Iwe don't have to talk about the above issue. ((((((SC-guy)))))) There are also lots of very kind, supportive, gay xjw's on this site who could talk to you.

RAYZORBLADE

SC_Guy, you're not alone.

How?

Well....what you were brave enough to reveal, took me many years to do also.

Yup, I'm gay too. It's never easy when you've been either raised a Jehovah's Witness, or studied and became one.

Here is a link, about my story: http://mferguson76.com/jwlinks/storyray.html

Mike Ferguson runs the gay exJW website there, and Jim Moon has ACB (A Common Bond) and he's one of the nicest people you could ever encounter.

There are a few gay exJWs here, and many who are not, but are supportive and empathetic, and a few others who will chuck 'scripture' at you. Ignore it.

Best wishes, and PM me if you wish.

I hope life is improving for you.

Life beyond Jehovah's Witnesses, is possible. I just celebrated my 20 years outside of the WTS this past week.

I hope you'll read my story, and in the meantime, I'm going to copy/paste ACB's website for you.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes, and welcome to the forum.

Sincerely,
Rayzorblade

avishai

THanks, Ray, you were EXACTLY who i wanted to post. You must be psychic, or something.

RAYZORBLADE

SC_Guy, here is another link, just in case you have not visited it before.

It's called: A Common Bond.

http://frost.bbboy.net/acommonbond

Lots or resources, and the internet, and this forum, is a great way to find it.

Thanks Avishai. I'm sure your welcoming words have made this young man's arrival here, all that more important. Thanks!

RAYZORBLADE

http://groups.msn.com/GayexJehovahsWitnesses

This is a great MSN Group. You don't need to say who you are, you can remain as anonymous as you want to be.

Mattnoel, who occasionally posts here, created the MSN Group.

Believe it or not, I actually met a very special person there.

It's not a heavily travelled MSN Group, but if you care to join, people will be sure to welcome you.

Anything else, by all means: just ask.

Best wishes,
Rayzorblade

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