What to do about a bully?

by Sirona 32 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Sirona

  Hi Everyone,

  There is a bully in my life currently who wants to bully me and others who I know. Knowing that people say you should stand up to a bully, I did just that, and told him"where to go". He backed off me, but has moved on to others I know who perhaps don't want to have the hassle of a confrontation with him, or don't feel able to confront him. I'm torn between defending them and taking some other action....

  This person uses every tactic going. He singles people out, he invades their space, he uses bursts of anger and then quickly "apologises" leaving the person unable to make more comment. What I mean is, he acts totally inappropriately and then says sorry, so you can't then demand an apology but you're still disgusted at what he did.....and you know he will do it again.

  What is the best thing to do with a bully?

  Sirona
• 

  Country_Woman

  I don't know.
  
  My first reaction: ignore him.
  The second: shun him (which is actual the same)
• 

  m0nk3y

  What I mean is, he acts totally inappropriately and then says sorry, so you can't then demand an apology but you're still disgusted at what he did.....and you know he will do it again.

  What is the best thing to do with a bully?

  You still demand a proper apology from him .. you tell him your sick of seeing the way he treats you and others and if he doesnt stop it soon and get some help your gonna seriously kick his arse. I have yet to encounter a bully this doesnt fix.

  monk3y
• 

  Simon

  I think standing up to them and confronting them about their behaviour is the best thing. It's also probably the hardest thing to do.

  If there are many people involved then discuss it with them and make sure you stick together and don't allow them to single people out for attack.

  Don't allow them to get away with a quick "sorry". Say "Well I'm sorry, but 'sorry' isn't good enough. You need to stop treating people this way!"

  It depends on the circumstances as well, if it's at work it may be appropriate to complain to a manager, supervisor, HR etc...
• 

  Scully

  There are some excellent books out there for dealing with bullies in different venues.

  Barbara Coloroso's new book about bullying

  There are others as well. I'll add them to the list later.

  Love, Scully
• 

  Scully

  Here are some other titles:

  Especially for parents with daughters:

  • Queen Bees and Wannabes - Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence, by Rosalind Wiseman (Three Rivers Press)

  For bullying in the workplace:

  • Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace, by Noa Davenport, Ph.D., Ruth Distler Schwartz and Gail Pursell Elliott (Civil Society Publishing)
  • You Don't Have to Take It! - A Woman's Guide to Confronting Emotional Abuse at Work, by Ginny Nicarthy, Naomi Gottlieb and Sandra Coffman (Seal Press)
  • Emotional Abuse in the Workplace, by Tony Belak, Sullivan University (7 page e-doc available via Amazon.com)

  Love, Scully
• 

  blondie

  Thanks, Scully. I put them on my "wish" list.

  I have a bullying supervisor. Confrontation worked with her. I also have a bullying staff member. I tried niceness until I had to pull her aside and tell her nicely it had to stop, and I was specific about the behavior. Everyone has been nice since then. As to others, you can help the person being bullied help themselves. After all, that won't be the last bully in their life.

  Blondie
• 

  Abaddon

  Hi sirona, how's life?

  You need to set up a "take down scene" in your head - a set of responses and actions triggered by this behaviour. Obviously it's unlikely you would say what you planned on saying word-for-word, but fortunately we've all been trained in talking extemporaneously!!!

  Then when he tries this behaviour and you have an audience (i.e. not just him, you and the target of his bullying but some of the others you mention), you can dump this prearranged routine on his head, embaress him in a group of people, and basically carry out some behavioural reinforcement.

  If bullying equals humiliation rather than gratification, then you might break the circle.

  Easier typed than said, but it could be as simple as the next time he does his asshole then apologise routine to someone else when you are around YOU take the offensive, refuse the apology, and cite other instances where he's done the same thing, and ask him why he feels treating people - let alone friends - like that is acceptable.
• 

  Big Tex

  Two things you can do.

  1) is appeal to your human resources (or the British equivalent). In America there is a phrase, "harassment in the workplace". Here if you say that to HR, they are required by law to correct it.

  2) stand up to him. There are physical cues you can give off, such as when you are talking to him, stand up. Anytime he violates your space, violate his right back, even to the point of literally standing nose to nose with him. Maintain eye contact. Firm voice. It might help to tell him flat out that you don't appreciate his bullying and "this will stop". I've used that phrase before with success. It has the advantage of being firm in a positive way without being confrontational. You are stating a fact, as well as a directive.

  Bullies will pick on only those who allow it. If you stand up to them, bloody their nose (hopefully not literally) they will back down. A bully is, at their core, a coward, picking on those they perceive to be weaker than themselves.

  Good luck.
• 

  Thunder Rider

  It has been my experience that bullies respond to only one thing.
  
  
  While I don't condone violence, Ok well maybe I do, if you try to be civil and nice and sweet, you'll only give him validation.
  
  
  Bust his chops, let him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior has no place among you nad your friends or co-workers.
  
  
  If that doesn't work, I have lots of swords!
  
  
  Thunder