As before in my other posts I apologize if this post is incoherent and if I rambled on too long. It’s been a few months since I last posted.
I’m just starting to understand the feeling of isolation and loneliness that one feels when they leave the JW org. I have been with a Christian Reformed Church for 14 years and in one night I go from someone with peace to someone that feels that they were in a cult for 14 years. I feel I was totally naive-I thought this was a benign religion, mainstream, what could possibly go wrong?
I beg God not to forsake me; that I don’t understand Calvinism nor Election-it makes absolutely no sense to me. I am tormented, I cry. Yet they don’t understand what I’m going through. They have been raised in this religion since infancy, their parents, grandparents-who knows how far back). The very thing I criticized the JW org for, this church does also. (don't question, some things are not for us to understand,that certain people are chosen-and we have to accept that. "Joy is to be found in the knowledge of salvation". (I think so many people think in abstract terms; that to consider thinking about someone else being tormented maybe doesn't even cross their minds, because they have been saved or (a better word) chosen) I have been with this church for 14 years. I thought that I had finally found it (peace, a sense of belonging, and in one night the rug is pulled from under me) I’m made to feel that either I have no right to question God (which I don’t believe I am doing) "It is His good pleasure" (that God can do what He wants), or you’re running ahead of yourself (you’re imagination is running away with you) I do fear to ask the question but I know that I have to know the answer. Their answers are to me so indirect (give it time- you will in time understand-don’t go ahead of yourself) When I posted here in the past I would talk about freedom of choice-I still believe it-otherwise it’s just a cosmic game or joke. The CRC believes one thing and I believe another. So now I feel I can’t go back to the church-I can’t go back to something that I don’t believe in. I feel that I may be losing my friends. For a time I thought I had lost God (or maybe that I never had Him) I pray to God to hold me and give me wisdom to understand and get through this period of my life. I feel that I can’t truly talk to them because then I might be considered an enemy of their truth. I have to understand the history of this church. I know (being Dutch myself) that many Dutch people tend to be severe, strict (not all - probably the more south you go, the less severe, and the more north (Friesland) the more severe. The interesting thing is that many CRC are from Friesland and I wonder if the people of the south tend more to be Catholic. I’m not attacking the people of the CRC faith. It’s the doctrine that I have a problem with. I agreed with everything that I had learned through the CRC but this is an obstacle that I don’t think I can ignore or overcome. (I wonder how many CRC members truly understand or even know about Election?) I’m made to feel that I’m too emotional and don’t have all the facts yet. I see a red flag but I’m made to feel that I’m treading where I shouldn’t be treading, that I’m questioning God himself. This sounds so much like JW talk to me.
And now I have to start looking again. So many negative things have been said about the Catholic Church. Now I’m starting to question that negativity. (This is not saying that I accept all Catholic doctrine all of a sudden-but I will look into it) I read both Calvin and Catholic beliefs and so far I believe what the Catholics believe. Is it because it is more palatable? I believe in a just and loving God, and with Calvinism I don’t see a just and loving God, that gives us free will. I have so many objections with the Catholic church but is it enough to reject it altogether? I think I can sooner sit beside someone who prays to Mary holding her rosary beads then someone who thinks that they are chosen. I do feel hopeful that I will find the truth. God does promise that if you seek you will find and so I hang on to that. I have not rejected God; I have rejected a doctrine-a belief of a man and his followers.