Its a good point that perhaps your MIL needs help going to the meeting because of her eyesight and being in a new area. If thats the case then helping her get an uber until she gets to know the locals isnt unreasonable.... its a loving brotherhood, they will take care of her *snicker*
Random Musing of an ex-JW between a rock and a hard place.
by StarTrekAngel 16 Replies latest jw experiences
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DesirousOfChange
Even if it had NOTHING to do with the JW thing, she's trying to control your lives. Tell her to get on board or fuck off. (OK, you should probably use some tact.) Explain it to your wife as well -- you must do what is best for your family -- and MIL is welcome to tag along and benefit. Otherwise, if she chooses to do her own thing, let her.
(I ditto much of what Morpheus says)
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JakeM2012
Hey Star Trek, I have empathy for your situation, it appears to you are in rock and hard place, and, it is difficult to leave a cult completely behind. I sympathize with you. We are all damaged to some degree.
Moving on to business:
Personally, If I didn't have the cash, I wouldn't try to buy or build a house unless I had a banks approval first with an agreed upon period of time to close. Working with a builders' financier's in an expanding economy is not the side of the table where you want to negotiate from. Get your financing lined up, i.e. make loan applications to lenders, then go to a neighborhood that you like and negotiate a price for a home.
If the new prices are outrageous in a hot area and you can't afford it, then perhaps look into a used home that you can revamp. However, if you walk in to a builder, coolly look at their models, say, "I don't know, I'm not fond of some of your selections", and you have a letter in your coat pocket that says's you have a loan from a such and such bank for six months to 95 percent of completion, you can then negotiate a good price for the house. I wouldn't play by their rules. (This is a whole other topic for a thread)
What you are doing is comparable to going to an auto dealership and letting them ask you what payment you can afford as opposed to what car you want. There is a world of difference.
Read the Donald Trump's "The Art of the Deal" (used, 50 Cents). There is nothing superbly outstanding or moving the earth in it, it just gives an insight that some may not have naturally.
Best wishes. And.....yes, I would tell your MIL your moving. Let her make her choice.
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Diogenesister
Jake the new prices are outrageous in a hot area and you can't afford it, then perhaps look into a used home that you can revamp.
Jake that's really interesting info. In the UK, it's the older houses that are (usually) valuable with New developments that are usually a cheaper option, not always But often.
Star trek Angel ( scary things!). I feel this is really your wife's decision. Its clear You have made yours, or at least you have decided what is the better option for your family. So....if it were me I would focus on the benefits to the children, first and foremost, to your wife. Explain that her responsibility is FIRST to her children and SECONDLY to her mother. If it comes to a choice, that is. I think most people would agree, too. Its just a hard fact. Perhaps she will come around to your point of view by seeing it that way.
You will have extra childcare costs, naturally. Maybe see it that you've saved money so far and now you will be paying what You would have done so anyway.
You haven't said anything about your mother-In-law's finances, but I take it if she can decide to stay behind ( with her old friends and congregation, which she naturally doesn't want to leave) she must have the ability to do so financially. But I think what I just mentioned about the friends is why the proviso. She doesn't want to leave her friends and is fearful of being stranded in a strange place with" non-Witnesses" and "becoming one too", perhaps as her health fails(as her congregation friends have probably intimated.) Remember, that cruel religion scares the elderly that no matter how long they've served Jehovah-org, if they stumble at the last( ie give up meetings and serve-us) they are doomed!!
I think if she does go for a " trial period", and you reasure her you will facilitate her attending all jw events etc, she may calm down and cease her demands.
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Unstuck
Hey StarTrekAngel
I haven't read all the responses - but your story resonates with me on several levels. I am the sole-carer of my father (a 2nd gen witness) AND I commute three hours a day to work. Well, three hours a day is a good day - city traffic being what it is, let's not talk about a bad day!
I spoke with my father just last night about my non-belief for the first time. I'm not D'fd or D'ad (actually I'd be very tempted to DA if it wasn't for my father).
Long story short - I'm very happy to care for my father. Thus far Stuck and I spend about $150-200 a week supporting him, with extra when necessity arises. Then there is all the time taking him to appointments, making those appointments, managing his finances etc etc. I don't care if we have different belief systems, he is my father and I'll look after him.
However, if he sees my non-belief as a problem, then he knows what he risks. I won't continue to support him (hey we'll save some money and time) - he's the one that will lose out, not me. I'm preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the day that will inevitably come where he will reject me because his religion tells him to. In one way it will be a relief but it won't be my choice, it will be his - I will make that perfectly clear.
I know this may sound callous but I'm sure discerning ones will pick up that there probably has been history and it isn't the best of relationships anyway - and you'd be right.
StarTrek - you sound like a wonderfully supportive husband (much like mine is) and you are agonising over a manipulative trick your MIL is using. What does your wife think? How does she feel? I agree with comments of others - this is actually her call. I've reconciled myself to a disintegrating relationship with my father but I won't be cajoled or coerced into going back, no matter what tactics are used (which I told him last night). Has your wife reconciled herself likewise? If your wife needs someone to talk to at all, please PM me. I got two good ears and can empathise.
Love to you and your wife
Unstuck
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MightyV8
Yesterday my wife informed me that she had finally decided that she will..... but with one condition... that my wife returns to meetings.
This is emotional blackmail.
Explain to your wife this and it's your terms, not the MIL.
MIL has no right to put this on you and you flatly will not accept this full stop.
my 2 cents
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StarTrekAngel
Thanks all for your input.
The reason I am working with a builder is because this is a master planned community. I am sure I do have some wiggle room to negotiate but probably not a whole lot. They really did a great job with the development and lots are going fast. It is a 30 year project that just started two years ago. Based on the plans the are showing, a total of 5000 families will be living in this community. It will have college and all levels of schooling within walking distance. Private security, a local police station within it and tons of other amenities. Everyone is moving there and lots are going fast. I really like the idea of not having to drive my kids to school or eve college. No dorm, no car... you get the picture. There are lakes in the property to kayak and fish.
There is also plenty of other houses nearby but I really like this place.
In the bright side... things have a funny way of working out. Yesterday I was given the news that my employer is giving my a nice relocation allowance and they are considering me for another promotion. With that I really had to say F... this. I am pulling the trigger. Talked to the wife and we agreed we have until about moving day (October) to figure this out. None the less, while she doesn't blame me for it, she feels torn between two people. As you would expect.