Hi there all! Im new to this forum, i dont know where else to post my story, sorry if im wrong for posting this on this subject. As I begin to wake up from being in the org I thought id introduce myself to this forum with how i was raised in the org..., ive been beginning to look at everyones stories from being raised as one and how they left, and I find comfort in knowing im not alone, so maybe another young person like me will find the same comfort reading my story. Sorry if this gets long.
I was born into the JW org, I am 21 yrs of age. As you can tell by my username, I am posting this on an anonymous account because of fear of what the elders would do to me and my parents if they found out who I was. This is my story in case someone finds comfort in relating--
When I was born, my parents had already been JW's for around 15-30 years. I was raised strictly as a JW and was never allowed to have friends outside of the org (hispanic/assisted spanish halls), anyone we had contact with who werent jw's were "wordly and dangerous people". I could never go outside alone, ever, and my only entertainment was building cardboard doll houses, playing with the cat or on a nintendo my mom got me out of pity from being stuck at home. Never spending time with my family together, I grew very sheltered. I was extremely fearful of disobeying orders to come to the hall and worship as a little girl, or go out staurday mornings to service, because I would watch other little kids my age get brought to the hall by force if they did not want to come, and get beat to the point of heavy bruising in the bathroom. As they got beat, I could always hear their screams and cries during the weekly/ sunday meetings or early saturday mornings before service..and my father or mother would look at me and and nod their head as if to say "Thats what happens when you dont obey". I watched a girl I knew since birth (who later became my best friend briefly during my childhood years) get beat by her parents multiple times in the bathroom, she would always come back the next meeting with bruises on her back or legs. I watched another little girl get dragged by her hair and ears once to the bathroom by her jw stepfather, to then get beat severely for talking during the meeting, (this girl later left the org to live with her abusive father at 13 yrs old ,she preferred that over being with a jw family and being abused there.) I watched the same little girl from the first story, get brought to the meeting once under severe fever and vomiting, her parents waited to do something after the meeting because they didnt know if she was lying to get off from going to worship at the hall, she later had to be transported to have emergency surgery done some hours later at the hospital. I witnessed all of this while I was 6 years old and up from what i remember, and these stories only scrape the surface, its all i remember clearly from these ages. This type of discipline was always encouraged by the elders, we even had a talk given at our hall a couple years back where minors should never be able to make their own decisions about being a jw, and if minors decided to not want to come to the hall one day, they must force them to because it is "whats best for them". If a teenager did not want to serve as a JW they were to be kicked out from the household and shunned by their families. They were not to come back to live home until they came back to the hall. At 11 years old I was baptized. We had a medium to high standing with the elders and overseers for a brief period. At 12 years old I began to notice that I was always being separated from kids who were more spiritual, grown adults in the hall would rumor to the other kids not to play or hang out with me because I was "probably going to be disfellowedship someday", even though I tried so, so hard to fit in. I was being bullied at school for being different, I would get tortured physically by the other kids at school and would come home to a mentally abusive family, all to come to the kingdom hall later in the evening, and supposedly "leave my troubles behind" and "be embraced by love", all to just have a bunch of adults and kids talk behind my back and give me a cold shoulder, this included the elders aswell. At 12-15 I started to grow alot, I did fashion and personality changes as any teenager going through puberty would. The last straw for the elders and my parents was when I decided to have a strand of my hair dyed with color, thats all it took for the elders to stalk my social media and print out a books worth of screenshots to show my parents how awful I was and to correct my behaviour, because it did not reflect well against the org, my parents even though challenging to deal with, refused to beat me, so they ignored the "discipline" advice from them. The elders would stalk anything I posted even if it was lighthearted, and would use it against me, saying I was mocking them. During this time I began to selfharm and self destruct because i didnt know how else to channel the stress and anxiety of being a jw and living at home. I also started to refuse to eat because I felt my weight was the only thing I could control. I told one of the wives of an elder about my self harm, and she would look at my arm, hug me, and then say I should be reading the bible more, maybe then I wouldnt be as depressed. I was also told this by my mother. My parents were told by other jws not to seek out a therapist for me because it would not help me, worshiping and putting more time into service would do the trick. At 16, the elders began to come over more regurlarly to our home to try and councel my parents to "unite as one", obviously this never worked because they have no experience in counceling, they would read a couple of bible texts, leave, and the mental abuse would continue. At 17 I became an auxiliary pioneer. I thought if I did, maybe the other girls in the hall would want to be my friends. But instead they would all form little cliques together and ignore me and act fake with me because I was a "bad influence". I stopped being a pioneer a few months later. At 18 I began questioning my teachings, starting with the hypocrisy of teaching about a happy family life in service to others while we and other countless families were among the most unhappy. I continued to brush off my questioning because I was afraid of being labelled an apostate if I asked too much. I only went to the hall and to service to please my parents (still do) and still be able to live at home. I was shut down by everyone to never pursue an education or career, and to instead seek out a "loyal brother" to marry instead and live a happy house wife life serving jehovah, it was easier they said. Now at 21, I have been cut off from all of my 10-12 biological brothers and sisters because they are not jw's. After turning 20 I started to contemplate suicide as an escape, because no matter what I chose to do i believed I wouldnt win either way, I would forever be trapped in a guilty conscience and believe I am damned to eternal death and family shunning if I leave, but be sentenced to a mental torture, and a life time of worshiping the org if I stayed. Now at 21 I have written countless suicide notes during bouts of panic attacks where my thoughts get too much to handle. The more days go by and the more I begin to realize my childhood and normal life were robbed because of being a JW, the more mentally unstable I become. I am now currently trying to raise up enough cash to attempt to move out to any corner I can so I can leave, all while struggling with suicidal thoughts. Until then, I am forced to be part of the org so I wont get kicked out.
Again sorry if this got a little long, i tried to shrink it down as much as I could.