Question for any elder/recent ex-elder

OrangeBlossom

I need help!!! The elders keep dropping by every couple of Saturday's after bookstudy to check on us and try to encourage us back to meetings. It has worked out that my husband has been gone when they visit so they keep coming back hoping to catch him sometime. Anyway, I told my hubby that we should at least go to the meetings once a week to keep them off our trail, which I went this past Thursday night and wouldn't you know it the one elder approached me and mentioned that they still want to sit down with us and go over an article on meeting attendance. My question is this...Is there any way we can ask them to stop coming by or anything we can say to get them off our backs? Something polite so that they don't start looking for something to bring us in judicially?

What kills me is back when I still believed it was the truth, no elder gave a rat's ass about us, in fact, we were labeled as "spiritual losers," and "nobody's." Friends of ours would tell us what was said about us and those are exact words, btw. Others would tell us that the elders warned them about associating with us because we were spiritually weak. At the time I was cut to the heart by this, but now I see them for what they really are...power-hungry, self-righteous hypocrits.

I know that not all elders are like that, but the majority around here are. I think that is why I started investigating things and doubting in the first place. How can men "appointed by holy spirit" treat even the spiritually weak that way. We did not doing anything wrong, just missed meetings occasionally and only put a few hours in field service a month. We don't drink or party excessively, don't use foul language, steal, or lie (like some elders I know), but yet we were considered "bad association." Typical!

Mulan

Meet them at the door, with your purse in your hand, and say you were just going out the door. "Sorry. Not a good time." Think of excuses to not be available. "I'm on the phone, you will have to excuse me." They are just men, and not to be feared. Don't answer the door. If they know you are there, they may be persistent, but just don't answer it.

Thirdson

You have a couple of choices but if you want to leave stop attending meetings altogether. It's not going to help by continually going back and reminding them that you exist.

One thing you should not do is express any doubts about the "society" if you do talk to the elders. Make excuses about being, ill, busy, fatigued, depressed etc. You could humor the elders when they come, by inviting them in, listening to their proddings and making a commitment to try harder. Then just don't attend. If they feel they are wasting their time and you are no threat they will leave you alone. Alternatively, you can be "out" every Saturday by design or simply staying quiet.

Often, around the time of the CO's visit elders make a concerted effort to contact the irregular and inactive just to be able to face the questions the CO will ask about the congregation's spiritual health. After the CO's visit is over they'll go back to the normal routine of forgetting all about you.

My thoughts anyway,

Thirdson

'To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing'

Francois2

Dear OB:

Your note, obviously from the heart, made mine ache. I really feel for people who wish to be left in peace to follow the leading of their own personal spirit, no matter how that spirit leads, and who are prevented or obstructed from doing so by small groups of some of the most hateful, hypocritical, self-righteous, and spiteful people ever put on this planet.

Could I ask why you care one way or the other about whether or not you do anything, say anything that would provoke an attempt to deal with you on a judicial level?

You have family in the JWs that you would loose if you left? What?

Frankly, you can't be walked on if you don't lie down first. And it sounds to me like you're lying down while holding a sign that says, "Kick Me."

What prevents you from telling these self-appointed arbiters of YOUR conscience that you're perfectly capable of reading anything the society produces without their help? What makes them think that they can handle your life and your problems better than you can? Are they willing to take on paying your bills for you? What prevents you from walking away from this cult, this destructive, divisive group of propaganda peddlers and never going back?

Just for fun once, I told a group of three of these guys who had come by with no appointment to "adjust my thinking" that just as soon as they started paying my bills that they could start telling me how to live my life. And I wouldn't let them change the subject, either. I just kept repeating that statement over and over in answer to everything. Soon they left.

Do let us know why you feel like you have to put up with this shit.

Francois

SixofNine

Just tell em' about what you told us.

Make them feel bad about themselves, bad about "their" congregation.

Make them think (and rightly so) that they have discouraged you right out of the "truth" (or at least discouraged you out of being able to associate).

Faced with their own hypocracy and lack of goodness, most will back off, not wanting to confront the truth about themselves. Even if they persist, again, just tell them that you are not up for returning to "that environment" right now. What could be more true? Believe me, they understand that it isn't a pleasant environment. They just think God wants them to suffer in it, lol.

You could do this to their face, or in a letter. You might mention how you went to a meeting recently, plan to try and go to more when you have the strength, etc., but you just aren't up for one of "those" meetings. Deep down, they understand.

After that, I'll bet it will be much simpler to just fade away.

nojw86

Orange Blossom your story sounds so much like mine did, how can these idots say not to bother with ones who are spiritually weak HELLO stop the madness,its when one is in such a condition that you need HELP, but here we see the lie. Walk away dont go back they owe no money nor you to them LOL. But we stopped going and I think one elder came by, so wrote a letter asking not be bothered again, it worked it might work for you.........nojw

OrangeBlossom

Thanks for all the input. Some wondered why we just don't fade away. We tried that but have too much family around us that are still in, makes it too hard right now.

Enlighted UK

I left the org 7 months ago. My husband still attends the occasional meeting, to keep his parents "happy", although not committed as he used to be.

When at the KH a few weeks ago, 2 elders asked my husband if they could come round because "they would like to have a chat with me about what I believe".

1) If they want to talk to me, they should do so directly, and not use my husband as a go-between.

2) My husband was also advised by someone else in the congregation to leave me and our daughter. (Nice and Christian huh??)

I reported this back to my parents (my dad being an ex-elder/ex-JW, mum also ex-JW). As an ex-elder he knows how it works, so advised me to get the elders to put down in writing what they want to talk to me about, what their desired outcome would be, and then send me the letter. Do not enter into a discussion with them as they could be recording the conversation and hold it against you at a later stage. Do not refuse to see them, (that in itself is enough for a Disfellowshipping). Be friendly, but discuss nothing bar the weather, and the fact that they have got to put it in writing to you first. Then you will contact them to make further arrangements. Also remember that you can have anyone you like with you when they visit.

They still haven't been in contact with me, so I haven't had to put any of the above into practice yet. But I'm ready and waiting if they do decide/remember.

And above all DON'T LET THEM WALK ALL OVER YOU!! Keep going, remember why you wanted to leave in the first place.

Enlighted UK

Enjoy your life, it is the only one you'll have.

patio34

Orange Blossom, There is excellent advice in here. Thanks for bringing it up as I'm in a similar boat. It's like hiding from the Gestapo or KGB, huh?

Enlightened, I'm following your advice. Not rocking the boat. I've been contacted twice now. I have the benefit (?) of having had cancer 2 years ago and have residual health problems that keep me home a lot. That has been my main excuse. Plus, I have a very sick daughter and have had her two boys with me for 2 months. With these two hinderances, I don't see how anyone could rightfully think I should be active.

I left only 3 months ago. But the above is 'my story and I'm sticking with it.'

Actually, I'm much better than that and do work full-time. "Happiness walks on busy feet."

Francoise2, I agree with you in principle and really am wanting to do as you advise. Except for my 2 sons and 4 grandkids 'in.'

Thirdson, your advice is really good. I feel so moved at times to tell them what I REALLY think, but know this is the wrong course. In this case, being
"as cautious as serpents" certainly is helpful.

At least we know, thanks to Simon and this board, and the rest of the net, we are not alone!

Pat

logical

Just tell them to stick their evil religion and dont lie to them, because lying comes from Satan the Devil, head of the WTS, and by lying you are sharing in Satans / WTS wicked works.

Question for any elder/recent ex-elder

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