Help me understand "Boy meets Worldly Girl"

jgnat

Wavering JW boy meets worldly girl. Boy confesses he is a JW, but it is "no big deal". Boy is polite and cleans under his fingernails. Worldly girl falls for JW boy. JW boy has a fit of conscience and returns to the fold. Worldly girl finds out he has never even told his parents about her. Worldly girl starts to wonder how special she really is. JW boy dumps worldly girl for the organization.

I've seen this story played out here too many times for it to be a coincidence. XJW friends, can you help me understand? What is the attraction - forbidden fruit? Was JW boy ever really serious about this relationship? When he tells the girl that the JW life won't interfere, is he lying only to her or also lying to himself?

I also know it happens between JW girl and worldly boy, too.

Can you help me understand?

Elsewhere

The JW boy's life is held together by the bOrg (family, friends, structure, etc...). Few people are willing to give that up for a date.

Ya gotta have balls like this guy to leave!

Wolfgirl

Lovely pic.

I did the whole worldly boy/JW girl thing a couple of times. I was so lonely; only wanted to be accepted and cared for like everyone around me. I was discovered both times, and guilt, guilt, guilt, drove me back. Part of me wishes I could apologise to those guys; one was fairly upset about it.

Smyler

I fell for Missy when I was still going to the meetings.. but i didn't "return to the fold," and we're been going together for 18 months now

one_ugly_time

As a teenager, dating a JW wasn't optional without the chaperone. So, the only girls I ever visited ("dated") where worldy girls. Then came the time to get close. I was taught to have marriage in mind before kissing, so the guilt would start kicking in almost immediately. Unfortunately, it was usually the girls that really liked me that got hurt the worst, because they took their time getting to know me.

jgnat

Would you say then, that the attraction to the worldly girls comes from lack of options and opportunity at the KH? Also, it seems the hot/cold switch is turned on as soon as things get serious. Almost as if you guys have a built-in guilt bomb set to go off. Am I right so far?

...oh, and Smyler, congratulations! I am glad you have found a great girl, and that you are standing strong.

concerned mama

Thank your for introducing this topic, Jgnat. It's one I have puzzled about for a long time, because it is a reasonably common situation. There have been several lurkers here and on other boaards, who I am aware of, who are in situations such as these.In my extremely unscientific survey, perhaps 7 out of 10 girls end up broken hearted, one learns enough to tell the guy to take a hike, and 2 out of the 10 have a guy who does the research, has an open mind and incredible courage and ends up leaving himself,

I think there are 2 distinct situations. The first, where the JW guy is having some doubts, gets close to a worldly girl and realizes she is NOT bad association and is a perfectly fine, nice, moral human, which re-inforces those doubts. This may be a step on his way out of the WT.

The second situation, where a true believing JW goes after a non JW girl. This is the one that puzzles me the most and causes the most heartache. Even if he is not an active JW, if he has been DF or only inactive, if he still believes that the Watchtower is right, he is a high risk guy. He will likely feel horrible guilt for getting involved, especially sexually (although it doesn't appear to stop him wanting it) or even just kissing. He is at high risk to go back to the WT (as marriedtodamob and worldy girl can agree with). I think they are often in Limbo, not happy or comfortable joining in normal celebrations and family occasions, but not comfortable or accepted in the JW world, either. A pretty lonely life.

These guys have had it pounded into their heads since birth not to get involved with we normal people, especially not romantically. How can these guys, who believe all the other stuff the Watchtower says, decide this one thing is somehow going to be OK? No, they know it's wrong, because they jump through hoops to keep the girls away from family and friends and many deliberately deceive the girls about what the JW rules are. "oh no, it's not really a problem to date/marry unbelievers." Yeah, sure.............

Smyler, you are one terrific and special guy, with an equally special girl. I have huge respect for your courage and willingness to look at life with wide open eyes.

one_ugly_time

I don't believe that this is conscious for a lot of the JW's. I was not a true believer from the age of about 14 or 15. However, having been raised in, virtually everything experienced since my breaking away days has been for survival.

#1 -- The relationship outside the Borg acts as a tie to the real world. It's like having cookies in the cookie jar that you're told not to touch.

#2 -- The emotional availability of those in the Borg is far below those outside, at any age. Many have never been allowed to express feelings; have never had their independent emotional needs met; or had the ability to develop age appropriate relationships without constant adult pressure of conformance. In short, even the adults have not been allowed to grieve natural life-cycle changes. They are kept so busy justifying their existence that they fail to be human.

I know these issues are "typical" for raising a child inside or outside the Borg. The real difference in my opinion comes down to -- ruling through guilt and the percieved notion that you have already gained eternal life if you keep your conscience clean. I believe that is where all the dynamics come from, above and beyond the "norm". How does a developing individual keep a clean conscience and trust their feelings at the same time. Sounds easy in the real world, but when you are directed as to what a clean conscience means in the eyes of God there is a severe internal conflict.

I am well into adulthood, with grown children, and still have this problem in my relationships. You commented on my thread about Emotional Dependency. I am trying to keep that conversation alive with anyone interested. It is helping me understand the dynamics I experience. It has expanded on this dynamic somewhat, if you get a chance take a look at what I have written there.

Also, I recently posted in the thread Was Your Growth Stunted Because You Were A Jehovah's Witness?, started by minimus, my feelings toward my growth as a child moving into adolescence. It was very, very painful. Unfortunately, I am one of those that suppressed it for many years because I didn't believe anyone would understand (and I also believed as taught that I was above being human; that breakthrough nearly took me to my grave, but I am on my way up).

ugly

larc

Well, I think that there is another factor here, at least for some guys. I think some, have a "mother - whore complex" They see females within their group as pristine, viginal mother types. They see women in other groups as tramps, and easy. The doesn't apply to just JWs. It could apply between races and across major religious groups. I am not SAYING that this is always the factor, but I think it is in some cases. Now, if a guy has this mindset, he will say anything to get the woman in the sack, and keep her in the sack as long as he can.

concerned mama

Yes, larc, think I know what you mean. If these JW guys have heard all their lives how the "worldly" women have poor morals, then a few of these guys are going to hope that she will "put out" and she won't run to the elders to tell on him, either. They have normal urges and are never taught how to deal with their emotions and their sexuality in a responsible, appropriate way....just told "No, don't even think of it". So, I guess some of these guys treat worldly women like toys to play with till they have to get serious about their religion. That is really sad and mean.

I guess I like to hope most guys, JW guys included, are nicer than that.

Help me understand "Boy meets Worldly Girl"

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