Help me understand "Boy meets Worldly Girl"

by jgnat 24 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  czarofmischief

  I can't speak for all JW boys, but as a true believer, I would be going along, normal human interaction - getting involved with a worldly girl I knew from somewhere. Like college. Or a play. Or something.

  And I'd get to talking with her and genuinely fall in love with her.

  And I'd start to feel a little guilty. And my parents would begin to apply pressure (my mom would delete messages from the machine and my dad would look at me with disgust.)

  Then they'd get the elders to talk to me. And I'd either knuckle under and break up with the girl, or I'd defy them.

  And eventually, humans being what they are - we'd go "too far" and cross the aribitrary boundaries. Then either I confess out of guilt, and as proof of my repentance, they'd insist without saying that I break up with the girl.

  Yes, it was rather stupidly selfish, but there was a LOT of pressure to act the way I did. Both internal learned guilt and external familial, cult pressure. It was no malicious desire to "get laid" or whatever, although I certainly wanted to. I wasn't intentionally using these girls, but I was pressured into treating them like garbage that had to be thrown away.

  I hate what I did to those poor girls, breaking their hearts, making them jump through hoops, etc. Never ever do it again. So I make up for it by being especially nice to my czarina.

  Getting romantically involved with a true believer is probably as stupid and shortsighted a thing as you can ever do.

  CZAR
• 

  jgnat

  O_U_T, I can appreciate this:

  It's like having cookies in the cookie jar that you're told not to touch.

  There HAS to be a low percentage of "approved" marriages in the KH. I bet, too, that most of them are young people in their late teens/early twenties. These would have to be kids who baptized early, pioneered promptly, and were very, very, discreet about any slip-ups.

  The existence of JW Singles sites shows there is a definite need out there to find eligible partners. Ever notice on these sites that EVERY SINGLE POSTER claims to be fully approved and ready to meet their life-partner?
• 

  joannadandy

  I also know it happens between JW girl and worldly boy, too.

  Me!

  What is the attraction - forbidden fruit? Was JW boy ever really serious about this relationship? When he tells the girl that the JW life won't interfere, is he lying only to her or also lying to himself?

  Obvioualy I can only speak to my experiences as a JW girl trying to fall in love...I never dated a JW guy, I only dated worldly boys. I knew there were no men IN the organaization that I was attracted to, in hindsight, we had different life goals. I wanted to go to college and have a good and stable job, live on my own for a while, BEFORE I got married. Next thing I knew I blinked and all the JW guys were married.

  The attraction had nothing to do with forbidden fruit (for me). Honestly, I hated liking non-jw guys. I knew what hardship it would entail. So often I would tell them right up front. Some of them I even tried to convert (I quickly gave up that endeavor). Any relationship I have persued has been serious. When you tell your non-jw bf/gf your JW life won't interfere, your sincere prayer is that it won't. I remember thinking so many times--please let this work, please let my parents not give me any crap, please let this all somehow work out (ofcourse I was living in denial). It was for me a BIG LYING TO MYSELF charade. I know that now. But I was very naive, and hoping love could conqur all, and all that hallmark crap.

  I soon realized what I was doing--and how stupid it was, and how it would never work out. I also thought about the fact that if I want a non-jw boyfriend/husband that maybe I want a non-jw life for myself. That's actuallly what got me thinking about leaving. While I had always had questions, I never considered leaving until I realized I would never find the answers to my questions within that organization.
• 

  jgnat

  Thanks, Czar and Joanna. You help me understand that one thing that always bothered me. Why do JW's tell their non-JW partners that the religion part is "no big deal"? It is kind of reassuring that at least for some, they are lying to themselves at least as much as they are to their partners.
• 

  larc

  Concerned Mama, I was a vigin as was my wife, when we got married at the Kingdom Hall, but believe me, the thoughts I expessed did cross my mind. I think such thoughts are more common than you would think amongst guys in general.
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  wednesday

  It must have something to do with the mystery of the worldy girl, and actually hoping the guy can score. He certainly has a lot of girls to pick from, we all know there is far more jw women than men. He knows with a jw girl he will have to tow the line. Maybe not with WG. It seems to me i see far more jw girls/women dating worldy men just b/c there is a lack of men in he org. Especially older woamn, who often don't have many options in the cong. But many times there is a nice guy form work.
• 

  worldlygirl

  Worldlygirl chiming in here. It was definitely the "forbidden fruit" thing in my situation. I represented everything that he could never have as a JW. He was DF'd when I met him, for divorcing his first wife who was a good JW (and a little on the wacko side.) I think it was just like with any other high-control religion, people get in deep and just can't maintain the standard, so eventually they figure "what the hell, I'm never going to be able to live up to this anyway, so I might as well have some fun." Unfortunately, the teachings were so ingrained in him from birth, it was inevitable that he would return. I should have known it, and he should have known it too. He was lying to both of us.
• 

  jgnat

  Wednesday, there may be ENOUGH girls to pick from, but can the poor boy stay in good standing long enough to catch her eye? Or what if she is a mere "study", and he is a "pioneer"? Or vice versa? It seems that matchmaking at the KH is rife with complications. Whereas, the worldly way must look temptingly easy.

  Worldlygirl, I wondered when you would make an appearance! I think many do feel this way:

  what the hell, I'm never going to be able to live up to this anyway, so I might as well have some fun.

  I think it is important for anybody leaving the WTS to go through a time of self-examination, and work out a personal belief system. Otherwise, the person is left in a vaccum, ready to be sucked back in at a moment's notice.
• 

  SheilaM

  JGnat: the lenghts some parents will go to is just sickening. Thunder and I were in a similar situation had I not dug my heels in I think we would have been in the same situation. I studied more than any of them LOL I went in service in record time etc. Yes, Thunder was honest as to his religion but trying to keep him from being lured back into the line of Lemings headed for the cliff. It is a hard situation and a boys dishonesty makes it worse
• 

  missylissy

  i would be one of those worldly girls. and it scares me so much that i could end up in that situation.

  -missy