Very interesting post Englishman. I thought about my own situation and basically I went out because my faith was lost. I was always a spiritual person, I thought God listened to me when I prayed, I never dared thought he ever made things go my way because I asked,,,,,, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I did think he made it so I could endure it. I really believed that.
My faith was lost because of the things I read in the WT own literature,,,,,way back to Russell. I was shocked, I laughed,,,,,,in that unbelievble kind of way at the silliness of some of the things I read.
When my faith was lost, I got angry,,,,,,angry at the group of men who took it upon themselves to dictate life and death matters. All the lives lost , for so many different reasons, because they said so. And yet,,,,what hypocrites they were. I will always be most bitter about that, I guess because I feel that they have blood on their hands because of my Mother. And reading tonite , about Doodle's brother, I feel angry again at them, for his passing and for her pain.
I tried to read the Bible on my own, I tried to listen to others talk about Jesus. I got down on my hands and knees and prayed to Jesus and asked him to be my Savior. I didnt really feel anything thou. I wanted and still want to believe in God, or Jesus or some Higher Power. I can go on with my life as it is , but I do envy those who are believers. I know I can't force myself to believe.
I think I still have a spark of believing, which I didnt know was still there,,,because of something that happened the other nite.
Two local boys, my son's age, got lost in the woods while hunting. The police, wildlife and fisheries, and the spot lite helicopter called the search off at 2 am. I saw one of he boy's dad in a truck stop at 1 am and he was so distraught.
I went home ready to go out looking for the boys, it was so cold that nite,,,, but I couldnt do it because of all the teenagers at my house that nite, I had to stop them from going looking themselves.
I found myself on my porch , praying. I didnt think about it , I just prayed to God that they would be ok, make it thru the nite,,and hopefully it wasnt a hunting accident. Like I said , I dont think God answers prayers really,,,,but it was just something I felt like doing. My youngest son, was so worried he couldnt sleep and he prayed too. He is the only one in our family to still pray before a meal.
Thankfully the boys walked out of the woods two hours after sun up and were just fine. They were just so deep in the bayous they couldnt be seen that nite.
I guess really,,,,,,, I am still waiting for that awaking , that really true feeling that I believe once again. It is kind of nice to think that there is still a spark of a believer somewhere deep inside of me. So, I do feel that there is something I am missing out on.
