My brother is probably just now arriving in FL to be with our mother. He is her youngest child and only son. She has been a very firm and faithful JW since 1958, and is scheduled for open heart surgery this week and she requested that he fly down to be with her. No small feat, as he lives in 3,000 miles away with his family. But he promised dad (already passed) he'd look out for her, and because he is still "in" and the rest of her kids are "out" and have been for many years, she really leans on him. She has not made a request for any of us to be there, and has said that he is to handle everything, even if she doesn't make it through the surgery.
I've been going over and over in my head and heart the way things are and the decision I made that I will not be going down to FL. Foremost is the fact that if she were well, she would not call me at all, and the shunning would be very strict as always. As it is now, she feels that she can alternate her calls between her three daughters and qualifies her calls with the fact that it is a health issue--which is her topic. (Although she tells me each time that she loves me very much and is so sorry she "failed me", which I'm certain means that she feels as if she failed us in our JW upbringing.) She has never been able to face the fact that we made our decisions separate from hers. She won't talk to us about other normal things, and she isn't interested in our lives, our choices, etc. I can't have a real discussion with her, because she cuts me off and says "I can't talk about that". She has nothing to do with two of her own grandchildren, and their families. It does not matter that she has three fine daughters, with children and grandchildren. What a martyr she is and always has been.
She is 79 and has been trying to work with surgeons to get her blood built up. (Her blood count is only 11.9, and they had originally told her they would not operate until it was up to 14 because of the "no blood transfusion" risk factor.) She has been getting weekly injections to try to get her body to produce more red blood cells, but it just hasn't happened. My brother said they are going to go ahead and do it, because she isn't getting any better, and is growing physically weaker. I will know more by late tomorrow, but as of now, this is all I know.
Both of my sisters feel the same as I do. Our brother has never had to endure the shunning or the emotional blackmail like we have. He has felt the affects of it, only when he lived at home. Our emotions are so very sensitive and we feel that she would again attempt a last ditch, death-bed plea for us to "return". Her love has been so conditional all our lives since the JW thing, and she believes this to be normal behavior. The affect it has had on us has been devestating, to say the least, but we have each managed to get on with our lives, and accept what we cannot change. I simply can't place myself in a position of emotional abuse right now. My brother does understand. If I were closer to her, things might be different, but she is a thousand miles away from me physically, and a million miles away from me emotionally.
My husband and I have discussed these issues and he understands. He wants me to do what my heart tells me to do and he is very supportive. I don't wish to be judged for making the decision not to go, even if she should pass. I have a beautiful memory of her that I will carry in my heart forever,--a year of time, where she allowed me to visit her for a week after dad died, and allowed my husband and I to visit her together. A time when she frequently called each of her children and things were more normal than they've been in twenty years. Then she got afraid. Some reaffirming JW information surfaced, and within several months, she was shunning me full force again, telling me there would be no communication and no visits. More recently she calls once in awhile because she feels like she "can" on account of her illness. I don't want to ruin that good memory I have. I cannot do the merry-go-round thing anymore. I'm nearly 60 years old myself. She has my brother and her sister and family, and many supportive JW's in her congregation that will be there for her.
I want to be strong. Who knows what the next few days will bring? I am the oldest and my sisters will lean on me for emotional support. My brother will too, and I will support his efforts. I will be the big sister. If she survives, she will have several more years of better quality of life, but she will revert back to that old behavior again. I just need some hugs and encouragement and thought I'd go ahead and post this here. Please keep us/me in your thoughts.