On to the next stage of being shunned

by CruithneLaLuna 16 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  bisous

  what do you all think of 'reverse' shunning?? my mother married into this cult-like religion when I was age of 5. Over the course of the next 16 years, in addition to the torment of the teachings, I was molested by the individual she married.

  I broke free at age 23, and in the next couple of years she pulled a 'fade'. In the last 2 years she has slowly returned to the JW (secretly at 1st knowing my views). Once I found out, my anger grew to the point that now I am having nothing to do with her. The final straw was her continuing to mail me tracts after I expressly requested that she didn't. She continues to keep a foot on either side of the fence, maintaining contact with her brother and sister (non-JWs) and my 2 kids (19 and 22) proselytizing at every opportunity.

  I am racked with guilt because my kids want their mom and grandmother to be friends ... 'like it used to be'... and I know it won't be that way. Eventually there will be weddings, etc. to deal with and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it....

  but for now I choose to 'shun' her.
• 

  Gretchen956

  George, I too am pagan and to add to that I'm also gay. When my son first found out about me being gay he was out already and still decided to cut me off. I got a very hateful letter accusing me of a lot of things and telling me that I was dead to him and not to ever make any attempt to contact him again. He was about 17 at the time.

  Prior to that time he and I were best friends. So I decided to let him go (sort of) and I just sent cards at birthday and holidays. The first one came back "Return to Sender" as did yours. So the next time I didn't put a return address on it. I didn't try to explain myself, tell him I am the same person I always was or beg him for forgiveness. I just said I love you, mom. He knew where I was.

  It took a year for him, and one night I got a phone call from him. He was crying and said that he needed someone to talk to and that I was the only one that had always been there for him. That was a Wednesday night, by Saturday he was over for a visit (about 250 miles) and then within a month he had even moved over to be closer to me.

  So, don't give up. Sometimes you have to let someone go to get them back. This also happened to my brother with his daughter. His mother really poisoned him about his dad over the years and she (his daughter) did stay active in the JW religion. He didn't see her for over 15 years. Then one day he got a phone call and she was out and wanted to meet him. She was really scared after hearing what a devil he was over all those years. But they have since developed a relationship. In fact they are both coming over to celebrate yule with my partner and I and my son.

  So chin up, send that good karma out, you may be surprised what comes of this. Give it time. In the meantime, goddess bless.

  Gretchen
• 

  bisous

  I just realized it was pretty selfish of me to post about my situation without even a reference to Cruith's post and pain.

  Be strong and feel lucky that your eyes are opened .... those JW automatons go through their brainwashed motions because that's what cult members do. With that in mind, don't let them get to you....next time don't open the door if you don't feel like dealing with it. You are entitled.

  And I'm sorry I was so rude earlier. now that I have pulled my head out of my arse, I should be fine!

  Good luck
• 

  garybuss

  
  
  Hi George, Thanks for the post. I walked away in 1974 and was a believing walkaway until 1992 when I read Crisis Of Conscience. Ray Franz answered all my questions. Every single one. I laid down his book a non-believer. November of 1992, I was mass shunned at a circuit assembly and my war began. I set out to test every Witness I knew to see if they would shun me. I gave them a pass or fail test and if they failed, they were out of my life. If any are sorry they shunned me and want back in my life, they are welcome to negotiate terms with me for making amends. So far none have opened that door.
  
  I have everything a successful life needs, good friends, good family, good health, a warm dry place to sleep. They have nothing I need. I have nothing they want. I can't see any reconciliations in the future.
  
  I didn't ask to be shunned. I was on a collision course with them from early on. Initially I performed to please my parents but nothing I could do pleased them and I quit trying. I had a screw em attitude and still do. I won't conform, I won't reform, I won't deform. I live the life I want. I don't want theirs. By their shunning and snubbing they have lost me and they have lost the ability to contact me or communicate with me on any level. I'm not pissed at them. I just don't like them.
  
  They did me a favor, this life without them is so much better than the one I had with them. I just had to go through a grief cycle and then accept it all and get on with appreciating my friends and family and home and work. Now there is no one with negative power over me. No one can blackmail me again. I know the set up and I won't get into another one. GaryB
  
  http://www.freeminds.org/buss/buss.htm
• 

  jgnat

  Children, especially teenagers, can be very cruel. Their age and development demands good/bad black/white thinking, and they undoubtedly feel betrayed by your switching gears before they were all grown up. For all their talk of independence, teenagers want their parents to be their rock in the storm. If a JW parent or sibling shunned me, I would shake the dust off my sandals and move on.

  Kids, on the other hand, change their minds a lot. Keep the door open. Be patient with them. With a few more years' maturity, they may have a new take on your decision. Also, teenagers in divorced families are notorious for playing one parent against the other. It is very possible one or both of your kids may reject the other parent in a fit of teenage rebellion and come calling. So keep sending the cards (I love the "no return address" idea). Have the guest room set up. Keep warm thoughts of your kids alive.
• 

  CruithneLaLuna

  I can't reply to all of your responses in the manner that they deserve. I do appreciate the many kind expressions.

  I thought of sending postcards ot my children. Everything is out in the open, no potential surprises inside an envelope, and they're not worth returning to sender. At worst, they will just be discarded.

  For Ian and others who have lost contact with children and others close to us: People make their choices, usually with good intentions. I do not hold my children's behavior against them. I hope they will have a change of mind and heart eventually.

  Yes, my family know my thoughts and feelings on spiritual matters, and my activities. Perhaps I was foolish to be so open with them, but again I was setting an example; if you cannot be open with your family, then who can you be open with? - JW families being a violation of norms and "the rules," in that respect.

  I do not shun JWs. The ones I knew personally no longer have anything to do with me. Those whom I meet in the course of my activities I treat kindly, and only on one occasion have I found it appropriate to share information about my past with a newly-met JW. I was seeking her assistance in a professional capacity, at the time. She was unable to do anything for me, but to her credit, she tried, and even talked with an elder on my behalf. I think he advised her to disengage from me, which was okay.

  I expect that refusing my letter was a family decision. I know not whether the kids were the instigators.

  As far as my political beliefs are concerned, as with everything else I will go where my processing of the available information leads me. I had strong opinions even when I was a JW, just didn't see any point in trying to do anything about them.

  Bisous, no worries about sharing the first thoughts that came to your mind. I didn't see your initial reply as "selfish."

  If I failed to reply directly to your words, it doesn't imply a devaluation of them. All that was said was important.

  Warm regards,

  George
• 

  Country_Woman

  (((George)))
  
  I am so sorry for you....
  
  Branda