Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advise you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend alot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
Cat bathing as a Martial Art
by Gadget 18 Replies latest social humour
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Gadget
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stillajwexelder
SFP
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Satanus
Very good set of instructions for survivalist cat bathers. My cat has absolutely no smell, save for a mild perfume. Not sure where she gets that, allthough she likes rolling on the bar of soap in the bathroom. Maybe she uses soap when i'm not looking.
SS
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Angharad
LOL Gadget, good one or another way if your feeling mean !
How To Wash The Cat!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he/she cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the paws will be reaching out to maliciously lacerate anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times (ignore the thudding on the toilet seat and the hissing, this is normal). This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the front or back door and ensure that there is no one between the toilet and the outside door (as this will result in their hospitalisation).
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet like an electrocuted maniac, and run outside spitting and screeching, where he/she will sulk until dry.
BTW: I love cats really !
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Gadget
Angharad, I think you'll have to make sure you don't try that one with too small a cat.......
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Angharad
LOL Gadget yeah might clog up the plumbing
BTW: In case anyone is wondering it was a joke !
I had to bath one of our cats a few months ago because she came home covered in some chemical (dont know wher she had been), she was really distressed so I put her in the sink - she just sat there and let me wash her must have been a relief for her! She was OK once she was washed but then spent the next 2 hours washing herself rearranging her fur that I had messed up
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Gadget
Is it mean to do something like that to? And what do they really think of us? Here's one of their diaries.......
Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.
Day 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .
Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . . -
SheilaM
Jaguar my 27 pound Maine Coon gets bathed first he is never happy about it and looks pissed but puts up with it.
Whisper: The female I catch next and she cries and screams and it sounds like she says HELLLLLLLLLLLLP
Wolverine: The middle cat has heard the first two get bathed and hides for a day.....then I get him when he goes potty or goes to eat. He gets really mad that I caught him but once in the tub he just sits when I get him out to dry him off he snuggles against my face like he thought I was going to drown him. LOL
With Maine Coons they are so furry that it is best to wash them and brush them so they don't ingest so much hair
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Enishi
Ha ha, great post Gadget.
My family took in a stray several years ago, and one day we decided to wash it. The cat completely freaked out, you could have heard the feline screaming from a block away! After that we vowed never to wash any cats again, no matter how dirty they became...
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CountryGuy
My cat's name is Xander, but we call him B!tch Kitty because he is so mean and cranky all the time. My cat has attacked everyone in my family at one point or another (except my father, who would have killed him). So, when my roommate told me he was going to wash BK I told him that he would get no help from me! I still had scars from petting him last week.
As I heard the "screams" of help from the bathroom, I assumed they were from my roomie, not my cat. I cautiously walked in and found my roomie forcing the cat under the faucet. BK had both his paws on the wall on each side of the faucet "screaming" out for help. It looked much like a picture from the organization, where Joseph or Abraham or one of those guys is on his knees, arms raised, calling out to god! (Do cats' have a separate god? What's his name? Jehovpurr?)
Anyway, after all was said and done... my roommate didn't have a scratch on him!!! And, I got clawed drying him off!