(((Sirona))) You sound so much like me. Attempting to keep the peace at any cost. But holding it all in takes it's toll. It's good you got it out.
Like you, I have always been most respectful of my mom. I never confronted or challenged her, even when she treated me cruely and unjustly. I respected her as my mom and I respected her choices in life. I felt sorry for her. But, our life together had been so disjointed, with the family separated here and there, back and forth over the years. The JW rules, so strict, so difficult to live by. I delayed letting her know how I truly felt about this cult religion. When I did let her know, she sent me a long letter with about ten basic questions. She asked me to answer them and I did as honestly as I could. I sent the answer back to her as she requested, even though we only lived a couple miles apart. She cut me off like she would cut off a body part and throw it in the garbage. For over ten long years, she was not available to me. She took rejection and shunning to new limits. However, there were many things left unsaid.
Then around 1992, she suddenly had a change of heart. I really believe my non JW dad had enough of her attitude and how she had estranged the entire family. He was trying to bring everyone together. So she began speaking to me, just a little. It was a turning point. This lasted somewhat into 2001, awhile after my dad passed away. Then she began the shunning again.
When I had the opportunity during one of her rare "health update phone calls", all my most heartfelt thoughts came tumbling out. They didn't come out all that nicely. My voice was raised, as was my blood pressure. My husband just stood and listened and shook his head in agreement. I thought she would hang up on me. She didn't. She took it all, like I was persecuting her and she was the martyr in good form. I was firm, I was strong, and I was using a tone I'd never before had with her. I screamed, I cried. Among other things I told her that she only loved conditionally, that she knew no other way. I told her that there was no love and compassion and that I knew that she was better than that, but she was allowing an organization to dictate her every move.
I told her that I'd stayed "in the truth" for so many years when I didn't believe it, because I knew the price for leaving, and I knew that losing her would devastate me. She was silent. She was hurt terribly, but the truth came out. Then her tough side immediately came up and she was stronger than I had imagined her to be. That conditional love reared it's ugly head. The wall was already up, and now the cement was laid. No turning back.
Sirona, the truth must come out sooner or later. I know it hurt both of you, but at least you were able to vent and I think that is a great part in healing and recovery. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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