Turning the Tables

by joelbear 23 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  JanH

  Shunning is one thing, but another is not not putting up with family members who at best tolerate your presence (as long as you don't say anything controversial), and make you feel drained and abused every time you speak to them.

  For myself, I feel no obligation to have contact with people I don't feel comfortable with, just because we are closer to each other genetically. I understand others have different opinions, and act on those for themselves.

  I see no ethical reason to force yourself to have contact with people who don't give you anything positive, over an extended period of time. There are 6 billion people in the world, many of them wonderful people I am sad I will never know. No reason to waste my life with people who treat me like crap, even if they should be willing to have some casual contact.

  - Jan
  --
  Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. [Ambrose Bierce, The Devil´s Dictionary, 1911]
• 

  Faraon

  I have thought about it.
  One idea is posting signs stating: We shun shunners as bumper or window stickers.
  Let people know about this disgusting practice. Let them know what JWs are really about.
  Maybe start a movement to have the feds investigate why JWs hire JWs only, but raise hell when they are denied employment.
  Feds should also investigate how many suicides they have caused by their shunning policy (by the way I have often wondered why those suicidal people don´t turn the tables and blow up a KH before killing themselves). That would bring some action from the govermment.
  Maybe the feds should also suspend JWs' civil rights until the Borg ceases denying its members the free exercise of their rights.

  JRP
  If I wanted your opinion, I would beat it out of you (seen in a bumper sticker)
• 

  Roamingfeline

  I totally agree with Jan H on this issue. Whether JW or not, if your family doesn't have the emotional capacity to be loving and supportive, find family elsewhere. Genetic relation doesn't mean you have to tolerate hateful, unloving behavior from family members.

  RCat
• 

  peaceloveharmony

  joel, good topic!

  out of my six family members, two siblings shun me. over the years since my da'tion, there have been occasion where they will talk to me or i'll get a phone call. my sister seems to be the one who wants to keep some contact going. my brother, on the other hand, is a complete dink in his shunning. i was not even allowed to attend his wedding reception! after that i decided it was a lost cause. i was no longer going to allow his decision to shun me to upset me. i'm sick of crying over the loss of my sister and brother and now i write them maybe once a year, hoping against the odds that maybe they are experiencing doubts or are missing me or whatever and want me back in their lives. oh well! the hardest thing is trying to explain this to my never-been-a-dub grandmother. she just has no understanding why they would do this to me. (thanks grandma for all your support!!) i do feel lucky that my 'rents and two other brothers have decided i'm worthy of their time and love..lol.

  i also want to say that i agree with jan h on this. just because blood ties you to someone does not mean you have to put up with their asshole behavior! my sister used to tell me all the time, "blood is thicker than water" well now i know that was just a bunch of BS!! i guess what she really meant was "blood is thicker than water, as long as you are a jw"!! conditional love at it's best.

  love to you all
  harmony

  "Power doesn't mean you're acting like a man, or you're a bully or a bitch. It's that you don't let people step on you"
  -Sharon Monplaisir
• 

  Tina

  Greetings All,

  I agree with Jan.Not much we can do about our faimilies but we can sure choose our friends wisely.
  Im being shunned by my sister,uncles aunts,few others.
  I don't really care. Those who want a relationship with me fine. Those who don't that's fine too. I don't waste my time with them. This may sound cold but I don't miss them at all. They rarely enter my mind. I don't need people like that,( family or not to have a sense of worth and self.
  It seems to be much more important to them than it does to me anyway,lol. Who needs such small minded people in their lives? And why in the world would we put up with behavior in family members that we wouldnt tolerate from anyone else? Blood is nothing more than an accident of birth.
  There's way too much going on in life and many other people out there.
  The best revenge is living well. :> luv yas,Tina
• 

  joelbear

  I thank everyone who posted their thoughts.

  Being shunned by my family and former friends eats at me every day. True, I have new family and friends, but I am just not the kind of person that can cut off my feelings for someone.

  I don't hold grudges. I love people. I love my family. I love my old friends, people I have known since I was a child.

  To be honest, this emptiness sets the stage for my life more days than it doesn't.

  I have tried to bury it with career, material things, travelling, philosophizing, lots of sex, etc. None of it works. My friends, inside my family and out, are all that matter to me.

  The laughter of a group of friends is a treasure to me. I imagine myself in what I call a "dancing in the kitchen scene", you know the kind from the movies where an old song is playing and everybody is singing and dancing in the kitchen, with friends from all parts of my life there sharing a good time.

  Indeed, my main goal for the new system was travelling the world and getting to know everybody. I love listening to people's life stories, what they think about things, what they love, what makes them them.

  Well, thanks for listening.

  hugs

  Joel
• 

  Tina

  Hi Joel!
  I most certainly appreciate your pain. My heart goes out to you.
  For me,it's not about shutting off my emotions. They do matter to me.
  What I see it as is acceptance. They have made choices and I have simply accepted that. I'm not gonna change how they think. I understand what they do and why they do. And this allows me to let go of the negative feelings I used to have regarding this issue.And letting go with love ,for them to lead the life they chose.

  It's a nice dream,to have the family singin and dancing in the kitchen. But that's just what it is Joel,a dream.
  Hopefully we will come to recognize this. Accept the reality. The reality is often painful and fearful. We face the fear.Reframe our thinking and continue to grow. We recognize that we're not going to get our wants and needs met from these ones. But we will, find along the way,that these do get met in other ways,shapes and forms.
  
  Oftentimes it takes a strong committment to personal wellness. This ain't easy for anyone. There are various strategies to pursue this committment. Different things work for different people. It could be getting supportive therapy. Pursuing academic interests. Getting back out in the world by joining volunteer org,book groups. Starting a personal research project. So many ways,I've seen the most wonderful suggestions from those who participate here. The possibilites are limitless.

  Wishing you strength courage and love on your journey.
  just some further thoughts FWIW (((((((joel))))))))) Tina
• 

  joelbear

  I agree Tina, that that is reality.

  I will never be happy with that reality.

  I may have to accept that I will never be happy.

  hugs

  Joel
• 

  Francois

  When you get right down to it, your friends ARE your family now.
• 

  peaceloveharmony

  Francoise,

  so right you are!

  joel,

  just wanted to give you a big bear hug (((((hugs))))). i remember when i thought it was the end of the world when my brother started shunning me. we are close in age and we grew up playing together, racing bikes, building forts in the woods, building LEGO cities, just basically had a wonderful time growing up with him. when i first was da'd i still lived at home and although he'd talk to me when i talked directly to him, he never really had much to say to me...i was devastated by his reaction to my decision. every time i'd see him at school, at home it felt like i'd been punched in the gut! so i understand where you are. i want my family to be that happy, dancing 'round the kitchen, full of smiles family but well, to be blunt, shit happens. unfortunately, i do not have that kind of family but in my friends, i do have that. we break out in song, dance, fits of laughter.....thank god for my friends. so joel, i feel your pain and i wish i could make it all better for you. thanks for sharing so much of yourself with this us here.

  love
  harmony

  "Power doesn't mean you're acting like a man, or you're a bully or a bitch. It's that you don't let people step on you"
  -Sharon Monplaisir