by Englishman 17 Replies latest watchtower medical
Thanks for your good wishes everone, it's been 13 years now since the last depressive episode.
Megadude said:
Eventually a girl (in a simple white dress, of course) would walk across a tiny bridge over the stream to the side on which I was standing. I would ask her what it was that I needed to know. She would tell me.
And then you would look up her dress, I presume.
Chortle..Hey! I'm the guy that used to walk the pretty sisters close to puddles so I could see in the reflection!
Englishman.
Thanks for the post Eman! I have a loved one who suffers from depression and I have the hardest time being sympathetic since I cannot relate to it or understand it. But I try, and I will print your post out for her.
Yes I can truly empathise with you E-man - Depression has dogged me for most of my life - in the Borg the "do more" "responsibilities" "service lead" etc made life hell - getting out of the Borg temporarily added to it as the guilt trip kicked in hard - now financial stresses are an absolute nightmare (not planned to be working so late in this "time of the end") and like many ex dubs forsook a profession for humility and poverty.
Now the absolute sheer horror of our situation engulfs me constantly - and without the "resurrection hope" or hope that "armageddon will come" to end all my worries - yes, sadly it looks very bleak out there ( suppose in some ways when we were "in" we viewed aramageddon etc as an insurance policy to release us from this systems financial burdens ) -
not a days goes by without thought of wanting to be dead - only worry over those left behind really stops me ending things. A wasted life, wasted opportunities, all my valuable assets and skills sacrificed to the molech of dubdom with no reward or payout -no friends to speak of - family alienated - only way I can sleep is to drink and I have never really liked the stuff but now its all that can help me switch off the absolute sheer futility and even worse future that I face -
looking out at the bright Moon shining at the moment makes me want to cry out to a God somewhere "WHY?" - the utter futility of everything just overpowers me immensely - why were we so stupid - is a God or Gods just laughing at us?
Tried medication and that just made me ill - palpitations, quivering, feeling dreadful - any more on how to cope would be most welcom
WIll try walking past the stream and meeting the girl in white E-man!.
We are all connected in ways unseen. All suffering -- is our own. Perhaps those who have agonized under what certainly seems like the weight of global sorrow are not so much highly "intelligent" as extremely sensitive to a more quantum or spiritual level of existence. If this is so, then depression can indeed be a doorway to deeper levels of understanding. Another thing about severe melancholy is it can reveal, in comparison, the warm and seductive beauty of death, alleviating the fear of passing. The "dog" has warmed himself by my fire, as long as I can remember. He was once seen as vicious and cruel, but has since become a friend.
j
Englishman, I didn't see this when you first posted it. I so appreciate it when we can be truly honest on the forum and share our experiences, the good and the not so good. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.
Along with with JamesT wrote, I too, rather feel that depression can be a great tool. Perhaps "depression" is just a way for the mind to force the body to slow down and "listen". When we learn to listen, then we can "ask". I have also been very surprised how simply answers do come. It may not be in the way we expected at all--but the answers do come. We then need to learn to listen. It is my experience that many of the greatest achievements have been accomplished while one has been in a "so called depressed state". Great music, great literature, great paintings, great poetry.
Perhaps the sadness that we feel and the panic has to do more with what we are desperately trying to remember about a past that we knew so well, and yet have forgotten. We seem to have lost control, and this is frightening to say the least. For as we try to deal with these inner turmoils, we still have to try to exist in the reality of the present. Still, there is that lingering "Something" that we feel we feel we need to do, but we just can't seem to figure out what it might be. Just some thoughts here.
/<
Sentinel,
Someone once explained to me that a factor of depression is grief. This has to do with the mind realising that it has to move on, the grief comes from the saying of goodbye to the old, rather loved self and accepting the new.
Englishman.
Hey Englishman,
I haven't spoken to you on the board yet, but thanks for telling the story and i'm glad you're feeling so much better now.
I studied depression last year in my course and was actually quite shocked by the way we as med students study it. All is related to the brain and the receptors and everything that goes wrong....except for the social factors! We studied medications as well and i think it was very wise of you to stop, now you've actively learned to deal with it yourself instead of with medications that you would otherwise probably still on if they helped for fear to get it again. Depression so widely known and diagnosed is often so badly treated. I'm glad it worked out fine for you, i have seen so many patients for whom it didn't. Good for you!
medstudent
Medstudent,
Why, thank you!
I did actually find that physical exercise provided some relief, I would walk for miles, as fast as I could. Maybe that was just burning off the anxiety that is often associated with depression.
Englishman.
