Whats a Real family Really like and how does one get there?

by Celtic 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  Nosferatu

  If I knew what a real family was like, I'd tell you.

  My mother has always been a JW, but my father only studied for a few years. Even when my dad wasn't studying, he went along with my mom and didn't celebrate Christmas, or any of my birthdays. Well, actually, he sorta celebrated my 20th. The only reason he did so was to try and keep me away from my girlfriend at the time. I was spending a lot of time at her place, and he didn't like it. I had curfew even though I was paying rent. On my 20th, he wished me happy birthday and bought a bottle of wine. After I moved out, me and him didn't speak for 1 1/2 years.

  Even recently, there isn't any gift exchanges, birthday or holiday wished between me and him. He hasn't called me once since I moved out 3 months ago. The only thing I can do is start a better family for my children, and it's well on the way!

  Hope things start looking up for you.
• 

  CruithneLaLuna

  Celtic,

  I cannot revive my non-Dub relatives from death, into which they have nearly all passed. I cannot revive my relationships with my aunt and cousin. I was in touch with my cousin for a while, but then came the time when she would no longer respond to my emails or telephone calls, I know not why and apparently she didn't want to tell me. Yes, I am talking about non-Dubs here, but you have to realize that I essentially rejected them years ago because of my religion, and then when I got back in touch with them I was in desperate circumstances and needed help which at that point they weren't willing to provide. So, they cut me off to fend for myself and make my way as best I could.

  I am not going to return the JW religion, therefore unless/until my two children, now 18 and 15, who live with their faithful Dub mother and her elder husband, wake up and shake off the repression under which they were raised (partly by me, in former years), I will continue to be cut off from my kids as well.

  I have no family.

  The only options one has under such circumstances are: 1. To feel sorry for oneself, lonely, and I could go on, but I don't want to focus unduly on this one; besides, you already know the story. 2. Go out and find friends and associates who are, as far as possible, "like family."

  I have joined myself to two groups primarily, based on personal interests and a desire to be positively involved with others: a congregation of Neo-Pagans, and a service organization for social and political change, promoting the aim of equal justice for all. Through both of these venues, I have met many people with whom I share common perspectives and goals. As a result of these associations, I now have an enhanced sense of security, I feel that my time is being well-spent, and I'm meeting, becoming close to, and enjoying a wide variety of people.

  One can then sit around and contemplate the idea that "what you have here is at best a second-rate substitute for the real thing," but the wiser and more productive course is to appreciate the beauty of life, enbrace it, and use the resources and tools at hand to create the life one wants. That is a gradual process, in fact I suspect that it will never be completed in the earthly realm, but when approached with the right attitude, the process (working the project) is a thing of joy in itself.

  Cruithne the Bard
• 

  got my forty homey?

  My life was very similar to Nos's story. However both my parents were JW's and we rarely did anything with worldly relatives. I felt like the blonde girl in the Munsters! All our relatives would celebrate christmas and thangsgiving and we celebrated by doing yearbook reading or bible reading.

  Upon meeting my wife who was never a JW I started celebrating all the Holidays and I always tell my Mother in Law that in the 13 years I have known her she has been more of a mother to me than my real mother was since I was born.
• 

  Abaddon

  Hi Mark, how's the Helston River? Seen your son lately? I'm overdue a visit to blighty to see my girls...

  I feel somewhat ashamed of myself for posting this question. Normally I tell everyone everything going just fine, though often it feels completely shit.

  We really should meet up...! Don't be silly. There's more than you or I who find it hard to ask for help... it's part of being human; we are social animals, but it's hard sometimes.

  It was this christmas that really got to me. It does every year, but this year I thought might be better. I was wrong. It felt like complete hell without any family around me. You know, I've even forgotten what a family really feels like, it's so long ago that I had one. Just the simple things I miss, the words taken for granted, small kindnesses, tokens, such as a pat on the back or an arm around my shoulder, a simple smile, even a question genuinely asked, 'are you alright Mark?' and mean't, that would be soooo good.

  My family were, as you know, Dubs... I know they are loving, but the warmth I have seen in other families since then is something I missed out on. I feel great love towards my parents, but I don't see them from one month to the next. My girlfriend's family are great, and I'm begining to see how they really have accepted me into their family and genuinely care. It's not like my parents don't care, they are just in a mad cult and were never demonstrative to start off with.

  As a result I am rather insular, thus my comments about 'we should meet up', as it's the insular people in this world that are the ones who say 'it fine' when its not. Your problem may not be insularity; I think part of mine is, so here's my view from that perspective in case it helps.

  I think that I am begining to see that initially I used my insularity to give me strength in breaking away from all I knew, keeping me safe, concentrating on me - when I most needed to.

  Ten years on... it's a habit. I think half of 'getting a family' - be it a genetic one, or becoming part of a partner's family, or developing a 'family' of friends, is putting yourself into a situation where you can develop a family. And by friends... well, I think we all learn the difference between drug buddies, aquaintences, colleauges and real friends... normally the hard way.

  To be in a situation where you can get a family (or a less insular life) means being open, caring about what others think, letting them look out for you and care about you, caring for them.

  Things that one might not allow to happen if one is being insular.

  All the best to you...
• 

  LittleToe

  Mark:This Xmas I got invited by a friend to join his family for Xmas. They bought me prezzies and everything.
  Some friends go beyond the call of duty and act more like family, and in that regard I count myself lucky.
  Prior to that I was dreading the Holiday period - I can quite understand why it should make you a little morose.
  Besides - your a balmpot

  Gyles:Your post was insightful.
  ~goes off to reevaluate a few things...~
• 

  Sunnygal41

  JGnat, that was perfect............put it all into perspective for all of us as a reminder when we start feeling sorry for ourselves..............I have found that the more proactive I am for my own happiness, the happier I become! I have also learned how to be comfortable when I am alone. It's taken some time and hard work on my part, but, I strongly encourage you to do it........it makes you feel great....that you have a certain amount of strength and independence, all very good qualities to have!

  Terri
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  Sunnygal41

  I also found what Abaddon posted extremely thought provoking and fascinating............basically, what it comes down to is if you want friends, you have to reach out to be a friend. That takes work, I think that I tend to be insular also, Abaddon, so I have to work extra hard to make the effort. Once done tho, it feels great!

  Terri
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  frenchbabyface

  Best wishes Mark, may this year brings you many, many, many friends !
• 

  Satans little helper

  there is no such thing as a typical family, every family has it's skeletons and I am yet to find a family anywhere which did not have it's share of dysfunctionality, and as Abaddon rightly points out it can make you very withdrawn and aloof when escaping the borg.

  I lost all of my family and friends when i left, and was all alone at 18. I hadn't made many friends at school as I was picked on for being a JW and when I left the JW's I was truly cast adrift. It affected me in a similar way to Abaddon and I became very self sufficient, it's only over the last 5 years or so I have managed to make any real friends apart from my partner as I find it very difficult to rely on other people. The JW experience, especially in an abusive home can be very negative and have a great deal of psychological effect.