Unsolicited Advice

by pettygrudger 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  pettygrudger

  Do you feel compelled to give advice to your friends if you think they are making bad choices? If it's not threatening to your friend in a physical way - do you live & let live - even if their choices have the potential to hurt them emotionally at a future time? What is the "right thing to do in these situations"? How did they react?

  Have you had friends give you unsolicited advice? How did you feel?

  A friend I have is TOTALLY - I mean TOTALLY clueless about how to deal with the simple matters of life - let alone the more complicated ones. I have found myself for what seems forever - sheltering her, protecting her & guiding her. She ALWAYS has issues, always has problems, and I ALWAYS feel compelled to "fix it" for her, so that her life continues to move forward. She always seems appreciate, but also resentful of this situation, which I suppose is understandable.

  She never seems to have any of the answers for herself. Yet, she has come to resent my advice, and has basically ended our friendship. At first I was relieved, as the responsibility was killing me. Now, I realize that I was the one who "screwed up", as I should have just let her live & let live I suppose. But it's SO DAMN HARD!!!!

  Its so hard to find the magical "line" not to cross when dealing with these types of situations.
• 

  maybesbabies

  I have many friends who do this, and I think it all depends on the way it's presented. If someone says "you must do this", then I say F^&% you, but if someone says "consider the options you have, a, b, or c", then it shows me that they really care about what's going on, and are just trying to help. No one can really tell what's best for another person, which I constantly have to remind some of my friends. I try to stay away from giving advice, as I don't really know what's best for any one else. Basically, advice is free, and usually not worth the price.
• 

  avishai

  Yep, "shoulding" all over people is wrong. I've actually acted on so much bad advice do to low self confidence, etc., when I would have been far better off doing what I wanted to do.
• 

  95stormfront

  The JWs around me are always "should'ing" all over each other and everyone they meet.

  Unless someone is doing something particularly life threatening or unless they specifically ask for it, I tend to keep my opinions to myself.
• 

  Xena

  I tend to keep my advise to myself unless specifically asked and then I usually give it in terms of...this is what *I* might do if it were me...I prefer to not be responsible for others or their decisions, I have a hard enough time taking care of me and mine!
• 

  shera

  Rhonda you a kind person,I understand where you are comming from.I have the tendency to want to help and fix things for people I care for.

  Sometimes people have to dig themselves out of the holes they dug .Sometimes its the only way a person can grow and learn.

  *hugs*

  Hope to chat soon with you.
• 

  zen nudist

  She always seems appreciate, but also resentful of this situation, which I suppose is understandable.

  perfect example of a Transactional Analysis [TA] drama triangle.

  A drama triangle is made of two principle players who transform themselves into a third.

  there is the victims who is always whining and crying and appears to be seeking help.

  there is the rescuer who feels compelled to offer the help.

  then there is the transformation which happens to both, they each become persecutors of each other

  and the way this happens is that the victims feels inferior and jealous of the rescuers abilities and become resentful

  when things do not work out as they fantasize.....as is often the case

  and the rescuer becomes resentful as they realize they are not free once their advise has been given, but feel even more obligated as they watch and hope their advise is taken and works...and if it doesn't they feel even more trapped, compelled to try again with new advise....and increasingly more upset that the self advice giving is being treated as an imposition rather than a help as they sense the increasing resentment of the victim.

  now there is a way out of this mess....

  do not rescue.

  do not do for another what they can do for themselves....get them to think up their own solutions, aid them in that, not giving it to them....

  yes, you do have a problem, what are YOU going to do about it?

  aid them Through their tough times by being a support and a cheerleader for THEIR EFFORTS.

  Teach them how THEY can do it, do not do it for them.

  The best teachers are those who can show you that you never needed one....not shepherds who are really predators who only teach you to benefit themselves.
• 

  SLOAN

  I agree w/ Xena and Shera.

  (((((((Petty)))))) you are such a wonderful person!! We all have to make our own mistakes and learn from them. It's hard to see those we love and care for ... make mistakes. But that is what life is all about. We all have lessons to learn sweetie. Just be there to support those you love. All of those that are your friends are very lucky to have you. Take care of YOU and your family. I love you much!!
• 

  alirobbi

  This thread and the one about Stacy's trip reminded me of a time when a friend was once again giving me her opinion and advice telling me she was just trying to help lead me in the right direction. Here is the quote I sent to her...

  "Their kindness to me had a double edge; it was a concern for
  my welfare, but it contained within it the plain suggestion that
  my welfare consisted in following their advice. - Mary Meigs
• 

  Country_Woman

  it depends, when you think he/she is un a ware of a (harmful) possibility you're obliged to tell him/her, but you can't expect that they follow your advice.....