Generally, Witness Friends are no Prize

by metatron 20 Replies latest jw experiences

  • metatron
    metatron

    In general, after nearly forty years in the "truth", I conclude that most Witnesses are no prize as friends.

    There are several reasons why:

    Their "love" is often very conditional and qualified - sort of a "I'll be your friend as long as you count time and attend meetings" situation.

    They are often so busy with Theocratic Busywork ( field service, meetings) that they have little time left for anything

    creative or interesting, like a real hobby. In addition, they take little interest in the world around them except in a superficial

    way, often merely to confirm some dubious pre-conceived opinion. ( "Notice that amazing biotech research? -- Yes, Jehovah

    must end this system Soon!").

    Finally, many of them are marginal people, with marginal marriages and marginal families. They came "in the truth"

    to escape this -- but usually end up "enduring" whatever bad luck or choices life has stuck them with. Aside from

    a few demands to give up smoking, drinking and sleeping around, the organization will demand that they remain weak

    dependent people - so that they can be controlled. Lotsa luck finding social intimacy with these if you have a working

    brain and enough spine to avoid being "used" by the organization.

    My only regret in this is not spending more time building friendships with a better class of people - less enamoured

    of a permanent spiritual, emotional, and intellectual childhood. Your time is better spent elsewhere with folks who

    want to explore and grow as adults. I miss a few Witnesses - but not very deeply. I wish I missed them more

    but how much was really there to start with?

    metatron

  • RunningMan
    RunningMan

    I have always felt that any friend that would dump you after finding out your religious beliefs, is no friend at all. And, that's exactly what JWs are.

    Aside from that, over my many years in the organization, I really didn't make many friends, and the few that I did make are pretty marginal Witnesses themselves - most are now inactive, or irregular at best. I guess I just never fit in with them. Maybe nobody really does.

  • Euphemism
    Euphemism

    Just for the record, I made some good friends among the Witnesses. Most of them were people who didn't exactly see things in the typical 'theocratic' mindset... but most of them were not at all 'marginal' in the congregation. Some were friends I met in my local congregation; most I met online (and thus, I admit, do not represent the typical JW experience).

    And yes, I still think that they were good friends. Of course I'm hurt by the fact that they abandoned me when I left the organization. But I can't be a hypocrite... I, too, would have shunned a friend who went 'apostate' when I was a Witness. I think that who they really are--and what sort of friends they were--has to be measured by what they do of their own volition, not what they do at the prompting of the organization.

  • darkuncle29
    darkuncle29

    I agree that that is the experience of most JWs. I was never popular or gung-ho, but I did make two very close friends.One was the guy studying with me, even though I was mostly raised in the troof. I felt it in my heart and mind that if either one of them were ever DFd, I would still be their friend. My love was/is not conditional.

    I moved away and Fred went to Venezuaela. Our other friend stayed in the area but moved to a different hall to be a MS. I became innactive and Fred got DFd. Our other friend eventually became innactive and then started looking at JW beliefs in depth. Skipping many details, when I first saw Fred again the first thing out of his mouth was "I'm DFd". I told him point blank that I didn't care and that I still cared for him. He is slowly getting past our JW past.

    One of the weird aspects of our relationship is that Fred doesn't know yet that I am gay. Our other friends know, and thought it best not to tell him as it might imbalance him and send him running back to the org. We are a pretty tight group, so that does sadden me a little.

    Last August our other friend was getting married, so Fred took us to a strip club for the bachelor party. The straight boys that knew thought is was very funny that Fred kept buying me lap dances. I feel somewhat guilty, as if I owe him $60 or something.

    And that's my little tale of JW friends, FWIW.

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    In my opinion, Witness relatives do not make the blue ribbon list either.

  • calamityjane
    calamityjane

    bingo!! I agree

    I'm at home right now, my computer has been fried by my kids. My emoticons don't work. And this mama ain't too happy.

    So if this post shows up as me. Well Great.!!!

    Anyway jw friendship is conditional. I don't miss them. and I'm sure they miss me.! :)

    love

    cj

  • Odrade
    Odrade

    On this one, I'd have to say I agree with Euph. I had some very good friends growing up. They were loyal and interesting. They put up with my personality faults and I put up with theirs. I think we had real friendship. The problem is they are completely conditioned to think that dropping you if you leave the organization IS the "loving" thing to do.

    At this point in time, there are still friends that would come running to help if I needed it. I'm sure that would change once they realize where I stand with regard to the Organization, but that is not really a friendship issue, I would consider it their training. When you are so far into the Org, you just feel like you have no alternative than to shun out of "love." It's sick. On the other hand, I know that if those people were to break free from the teaching, they would continue to be real friends, because that is their nature when it's not distorted beyond recognition by the rules of the WTS.

    Look at me and Luna (some of you know that story.) If someone had asked her a year or so ago if she thought I had been a real friend, I would hope she'd say yes, but wouldn't be surprised if she had said "no, her friendship was conditional." See, she got df'd while I was still active, so though it broke my heart, I did what was "right" and didn't contact her. Now I am free too, and we are great friends again. I don't think anyone who knows us now would say our friendship is conditional.

    I guess what I'm saying is that it often has very little to do with the quality of the people, instead it is the rules that they feel obligated to follow. I mean if they follow their nature and continue a friendship with someone who has left the Org, they believe that they will lose their own life at Armaggedon, PLUS they feel like they would be jeopordizing the life of their friend by "taking away their reason to return." Pretty heavy burden to put on the believing JW. No wonder most friendships don't last the df'ing.

    Odrade

  • luna
    luna

    I always thought you'd been a real friend, even when you had your ballistic, wine-glass throwing episodes. haha.

    I had thought about trying to find you multiple times, but then, realizing how gung ho you were (or i thought you'd still be), i never tried.

    Probably because I didn't want to be disappointed, and didn't want to make you uncomfortable...I knew that if you were still ultra-pioneer girl, even if you'd wanted to talk to me, you'd have made the decision not to, for "the organization's sake".

    So, i'm glad you found me! :)

  • Odrade
    Odrade

    p.s. one friend in particular (who is still a JW, but I have a small glimmer of hope for him) was such a true friend that the first time I was on my way out of the Org, a few things he said made me turn around and come right back. When I say "on my way out" I mean, I was going to disappear. I had a job and a place to live lined up in another state. I was going to leave everyone I knew and not tell them where I was going, and not be a JW anymore. Of course, at the time I still believed all the doctrine, but I was going to leave it all behind anyways. My point being, with this specific person as an example, I know he had real friendship to me, I know he still does. But if I were disfellowshipped, he would shun me. That's the religion, and he believes it, so I can't blame him.

    I can, however, blame the buttholes who made up the whole disfellowshipping doctrine in the first place.

    O

    haha, just reread this post and the last, and I'm not sure it makes any sense, but I'm posting it anyways...

  • micheal
    micheal

    As long as someone calls themselves a jehovah's witness, they will be so brainwashed and indoctrinated to the jw belief system that even though they don't know it, they will never have real friends.

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