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sandy

Just wondering how long it takes to really get over someone. It has been about six months now since my ex boyfriend broke up.

We were together for four years. Just when I thought I was ok I find myself missing him so much. I have this urge to just pick up the phone and call him. I want to tell him that it is so ridiculous that we are apart. He knows it as well as me.

But I guess that cannot be entirely true because the fact is he and I are not together.

We are trying to remain friends. That may not be such a good idea though. We saw each last Friday for the first time in 2 1/2 months. Everything was ok and we had a good time together. There were a few awkward moments but we got through them.

I am just venting here hoping for some wise advice from some of you who have been in my shoes. I am trying my hardest not to call him today.

I know what I want but the problem is he doesn't. So I know I have to leave him alone to figure it out on his own. I am moving on as best as I can but I cannot help but miss him and hold out hope.

"Hope dies last" I do not know where I heard that quote but I find it to be so true.

Thanks for listening.

Sandy

Sargon

Sandy,

Here's my words of wisdom; I'm an expert I get dumped all the time. Move on, find another. If this fails go get a cat or dog.

Sassy

Being friends is hard, especially if there is no plans for 'rebuilding'. The thing is you aren't really ready for that yet it sounds like. You want to hold on in case there is a hope or reconciling. Hard situation.

Maybe you should go out. Not to make him jealous (I am not into games and I think they don't really help) but to help you move forward so you can grow.

sandy

Yeah I am holding onto the hope of reconciling. We both are doing that. We talked about it many times but we both know that it is bad timing. I am afraid we are going to miss the right time though. If that makes any sense.

I am moving on. I am not sitting at home depressed over him. I am spending more time with friends and family. I am not ready to date yet. I tried it but I just do not feel up to it.

I guess I am just having a bad day.

I went through so many phases this past six months. Now I just miss him more than anything. We were very close. Looking back on the last year we were together I could see it all coming. But that doesn't change the fact that I love him dearly.

I want only happiness for him and myself. I cannot imagine him not being in my life even if that means we are only going to be friends. Maybe though, we do need more time apart before we can be friends and hang out.

Nosferatu

I read somewhere that it takes 1/2 the time the relationship lasted to get over the person. Seems somewhat true. But one thing I do know is the longer you were with one person, the more difficult it is to get over that person.

There are things that you can do to help speed up the process of getting over someone.

1) Keep repeating to yourself that it's over and it's time to move on
2) Rebound
3) Date A LOT of people

One thing that I did was made a list of my exes good and bad qualities. The good qualities were what I still wanted in a partner. The bad qualities were what I didn't want in a partner. In fact, I wrote down the opposite of the bad qualities and added them into the good. This became my "ideal mate" and I became determined to find someone like the person I described on paper. I got it fixed in my head to find someone better than my ex (and I believe I've achieved this).

Remaining friends is a BAD idea if you're trying to get over someone. You will be continually reminded of them and the memories you hold with that person. Completely getting over that person will become nearly impossible. Only after you cut the person completely out of your life will the memories begin to fade. Memories and feelings tie in together very well. If the memories fade, so will the feelings. Ever notice how certain songs or smells make you feel a certain way? It's very much the same.

Good luck on moving on with your life.

concerned mama

I think that Nos has made some good points. I read you have to give yourself at least a week of healing time for every month you were together.

Personally, I don't think being "friends" generally works out. If you are hoping to get back together, you really don't have "friend" type emotions for him, do you? If your emotions are conflicted, then less contact allows for some emotional distance to develop.

Way back in the stone age, when I was dating, I found that if I broke up with some guy because of unresolvable issues, that if we tried to be friends, there was still friction because of those issues. If the issues can't be fixed, if nothing has changed, then it is time to move on with your life. Be good to yourself and focus on other things in your life that make you feel good.

Please check your inbox.

amac

All I can says is if he isn't 100% into you, then drop the whole thing. The last thing you want is him being 80% into you and you being 120% into him, because eventually it will burn out and it will be at a very inopportune time...like when your 8 months pregnant on the fourth kid.

Sassy

I am hoping you don't get too hurt hoping and waiting Sandy.. it's hard letting go sometimes..

I read somewhere that it takes 1/2 the time the relationship lasted to get over the person.

I hope not.. what about marriages that last twenty some years? My first was over 16 years and I sure was over it in less than 8.. and my second marriage was 1 yr we were married.. I was over him 6 months before he moved out..

Maverick

From personal experience, if you were very serious, give yourself one year for every four that you were with this guy.

Also the cold hard fact is, "You can never go back!" It's over, wishing it wasn't will just make this whole ugly thing take longer!

I'm sorry for your pain, Maverick

La Capra

My great-grandmother's motto was "Next!" announced as she pointed one finger forward to emphasize her readiness to move on. Shoshana

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