((((((((((Steve))))))))))))
It seems to me that the greatest men have ALL become great because they overcame or were greatly changed thru the consequences of a terrible flaw or experience. It seems to give them a humility and care that would never, otherwise, have been gained. And they develop a courage that challenges and encourages many others around them. And compassion and forgiveness that replaces pride and judgment. In other words, a lot of heat a pressure made a diamond. (But, interestingly, not all people become "diamonds", though experiences may be similar.)
The hardest burden is that the past cannot be changed, and this is hard to accept. The choice one grapples with is whether to have faith that God is somehow great enough (and hasn't actually been all pissed and spiteful all along) to bring something beautiful from all these ashes we see. But I think this is His most important business here. And our expectations about what is lovely ("never making mistakes, or at least, not big mistakes") is a lot smaller than His (sensitizing and softening and enlarging our stubborn hearts in order to make room for Himself). So don't be so hard on yourself, and don't give in toward bitterness. The value of hope and faith might seem more clear. (Well, they do for me at moments when I'm despairing of myself!)
I hope it's comforting to remember that the story is actually not 'over' yet; and that it is very strange how "minor" people or "minor" events make for very great changes in much larger popluations. It is a hard act of faith, to trust that in God's hands, it will be all worked out. I hope you can find it.
(I suspect He has already started; you have already become a type of diamond thru the trials you overcame before.)
With ever the same dignity and respect I had held for you before,
Bev (bebu)
