I'm here for an attitude adjustment I guess. I'm 28 years old and I'm out of the loop. Doesn't seem very old does it? I don't think so anyway. I was a witness up until a few years ago when my wife and I faded away. I had been disfellowshipped and reinstated twice in my stint though.
I've always gone through life with a muddled mind. I mean that I can't keep my focus, and almost all my thoughts seem to be shrouded by a grey fog. I forget some things easily, but other things I can remember forever as if it just happened. I used to be very artistic when I was young, but I had the problem of never finishing my pictures or my stories and when I played the piano, I'd become interested in another song and never get around to completely learning the one before. I fidgit a lot, whistle, and I don't pay attention very well when people speak to me. My mom was worried about all this and about 12 years ago she took me to a pychologist who diagnosed me with ADHD and prescribed me a certain drug for that condition.
My father didn't really even believe that ADHD existed and just chalked it up that I was disorganized and lazy. But I must say, when I did take that drug, my mind shot into hyper focus. Maybe that's the way normal people think, but it was a new experience for me. I remember the first day that I took the drug, my grandma asked if I would mind helping her dig a fish pond in her back yard. I could think of nothing else other than digging the fish pond while I was doing it, I was quick and precise in my digging and I remember being so happy that I was actually accomplishing something with no one else helping me. But after the effects of the pills would wear off, I'd fall into a depressed state and sometimes start crying for no reason at all. I stopped taking those pills about a month after I got them and never used them again.
My life since then has been a series of trials and errors. I started and dropped out of college twice before finally getting on through. I suffered from depression a few times during this time and considered suicide because I had started seeing a girl and doing things that weren't in agreement with what I'd been taught was right at the Kingdum hall my whole life. This all lead to me being disfellowshipped my first time.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic a bit. I've graduated college with a degree that I didn't have much love for and got a job that falls far from the happy tree. I've always had a goal that I was shooting for, at first that goal was to get through armagedon, that never transpired, so I started to make small goals to get to such as finishing college, work out and get to a certain weight, getting married, or a trip. Those goals always seemed to drive me, but as of late, I've lost any drive that I used to have. My drive and ambition left and through this dark fog in my mind, I can't seem to find them. I have a hard time thinking positive thoughts as of late, my job at first didn't seem dead end, but I've worked at it for 2 years now (it is a job that I needed a degree for) and my boss seems perfectly happy keeping me where I am, being the fact I'm the only one in my current position.
The above is depressing, but something else that is weighing heavier is my wife's attitude about it all. She says that my depression makes her not want to be around me. She's very attractive, and as of late, she has been going out without me with her friends and going clubbing, dancing with guys, drinking and having a good time. She tells me about it all, guys trying to kiss her and grind with her on the dance floor. She says that she doesn't let them and shrugs them off. Recently she went to Las Vegas with some of her family and frequented quite a few clubs, got drunk, and stayed out till early in the morning.
For the life of her, she cannot understand how this would bother me. I don't mind going out with her to clubs and while I'm there she can dance with other guys if she wants. But she says that she doesn't like me going with her because I don't give her enough attention when I'm at a club with her. I don't have any friends and I said I wouldn't mind coming with her to a coffee house or bar and meet her friends, but she told me that I just wouldn't fit in with them because her friends are all around 21 (she's 23) and I'm old and geezerly at 28. I asked her if she would mind if I went out with friends (if I had any) to clubs and danced with other girls. She said it wouldn't bother her at all and if I wanted to, I could go to a strip club as well. She told me that basically I had old fashioned witness morals that were hindering me.
I will agree that I do have deep seated fears that I have left over from the witnesses that I'm trying to overcome, but she thinks that every other man in the world would be ok with with his wife going out, drinking, and dancing with other guys when he's not around. It just seems to make me more depressed. Am I actually out of the loop and shouldn't be bothered by this, would it bother people on this board or not?