Almost a year later, and I am still angry...

DanTheMan

Some of you may remember that last March I was nearly fired from my job. What happened was that I was having a casual, seemingly friendly conversation with a girl who I had once dated, but the conversation seemed to take a wrong turn when I told her that I was sorry things hadn't worked out between us. Her negative reaction (conveyed via body language) told me to change the subject, which I immediately did. I went back to my desk, and thought nothing more of it. A few hours later I'm down in the human resources office being grilled about the conversation, what exactly was said, how close was I standing to her, etc., and I was sent home, suspended (with pay) for about 10 days while they did an "investigation". Finally I was allowed to come back to work, I think they saw my side - that she was being very facetious about the whole thing and was putting my job at stake just so she could have the thrill of telling certain other coworkers that I had harrassed her and all that.

I can't get over it. I still think about this incident all the time. I have never had somebody act in such a purely evil way towards me. Never. I want to let this resentment go, it is eating me up and contributing greatly to the depression I am experiencing, but I just can't seem to. I never felt so humiliated in my life, and I haven't been the same since, I was paranoid before this situation happened but now I live in fear of even looking at a female coworker for a split-second too long lest they run down to HR. And I have lost probably over $2000 due to the fact that upper management has such a poor opinion of me and won't give me the promotion that my immediate supervisor feels I am more than worthy of.

Any suggestions?

stillajwexelder

Anger is a weird thing - I am feeling it right now at work -- and I still feel anger over a situation in my last job which was 6 years ago -- so I really do understand the seething anger that wells up in you from time to time

kgfreeperson

Dan, first, let me offer my heartfelt sympathies. This is the sort of thing that is very hard to "let go of." I wonder if it would help to write about it--not what happened and how you feel about it so much as what the incident triggers in you. I notice that you felt paranoid before (and I'm not sure how you meant that), but I wonder if this incident didn't act as "proof" that inexplicable, unfair, and bad things happen to you. It's not so much that she did you damage as how easy it was for her to hurt you and your reputation. It isn't just women who might suddenly strike out, but anyone and you are defenseless . . . etc. Maybe you will get to something very different as the underlying issue, but I think if you can dig that out, then you can work on it and let the specific person and incident and thus the resentment go.

Been there

Move to Cincinnati

DanTheMan

stilla, it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I still have to work with her. She is sooo smug and self-righteous.

kg,

I wonder if this incident didn't act as "proof" that inexplicable, unfair, and bad things happen to you.

That's just it, I think you hit on something there. I never expect good things to happen to me, I always expect the worst. And I got worse than what I could have dreamed of that day, it was so unexpected.

Been There, I would like to, believe me.

Scully

I remember this incident you mentioned, Dan. I don't blame you one bit for the way you are feeling.

This co-worker/ex-girlfriend took advantage of an opportunity to burn you professionally for something that happened on a non-professional level. Frankly, that says way more about her and her sense of ethics than it says about you. It tells me that she is a vindictive, opportunistic rattlesnake, rather than a mature adult who can keep personal and professional issues separate.

I think it's great that you are trying to get past this and hold your head high in spite of this woman still being around and probably gloating to others about how she made your life miserable and almost cost you your job. Your anger is justified because she didn't play by the rules of the game. The problem is that you keep being reminded of this incident over and over whenever your paths cross, whenever it comes up again in a performance review, whenever you get passed over a promotion that you are qualified for. It seems like this incident is haunting you in ways you never imagined, and she is continuing to "get back at you" for the falling out of your relationship with her as long as you are both working for the same company.

Do you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where you work? If you have it available to you the counselling is confidential and it is covered in your benefits package. Is there any possibility that you could do a lateral transfer within the company so that you don't have to deal with this woman and her crap anymore? It isn't fair to yourself to hang on to that anger, and it's not helping your depression at all. You owe it to yourself to find alternatives that help you diffuse the anger and allow you to make the career progress you want to make.

If you need to talk, we're all here for you. You're more than welcome to send a PM my way.

Hugs, Scully

Reborn2002

I am very sorry to hear what happened to you. If I were you my first instinct and desire would be to kill the bitch!

Nonetheless, we live in a semi-civilized society, where such behavior is not tolerated under law. From an intellectual perspective, a counselor would tell you that by you continuing to be angry from this experience, you are not only damaging yourself, but you are allowing her to continue to get to you and win.

For your own sake, it is not worth continuing to be enraged by this unfortunate course of events. Seek psychiatric counseling, or try your hardest to let go. Sometimes doing something that seems so simple is the hardest thing to do in life. Let it go.

DanTheMan

Scully, thank you for the supportive words. Yes my employer does have an EAP program, and have been seeing a counselor ever since this incident took place. He has been helpful in many ways, and we have talked about the issue with my coworker to death.

As far as making a lateral move, I have been applying for positions outside of my department (and in some cases, a different location altogether) but so far I haven't received any offers.

Reborn, believe me, I am trying to let it go, but it's so difficult not to let it fester when I have to see her every day.

LittleToe

Where at all possible I prefer to count my blessings.
It could have been worse - you could have married her!!!

patio34

Sorry that I don't have any advice, just some sympathy. I hope things get better for you.

Pat

Almost a year later, and I am still angry...

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