Is it ok for a man and a woman to live with each other wihout being wed

by fearnotruth22 45 Replies latest jw friends

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  Sassy

  Just a little piece of useless trivia --- in North Carolina where I live, there is actually a law on the books (antiquated) that states if a man and woman go to a hotel, misrepresent themselves and register as husband and wife, then technically they are married and must file for a divorce if they no longer want to be married (which requires a one-year waiting period in this state as well as equitable distribution of assets!!) However, common-law marriage is NOT recognized in the state. So, I guess it depends on where you "do it."

  wow worldlygirl.. that is interesting!

  I agree about the part that with marriage there is no easy out. And for many years my attutude would have been that I wouldn't live with a man because of that reason. I would have felt (even if we took the JW formula out of the ratio) that a commitment with vows stood for more respect for each other. I do still feel that way..

  The problem is I have been married twice.. My first husband abused me. Do you think I saw that before we lived together? Of course not.. and since I didnt' know I had grounds for divorce for 17 years, I played the good little JW and stuck with it.. Do you know how I felt after being in a bad marriage that many years? I felt like I had wasted good years of my life.. (much the same as we feel like we threw away years being JWs) Then along comes marriage two.. I dated the man for three months. I thought I got to know him. True, three months should have been longer. But I honestly think with his 'mission for a green card" that he would have hidden it longer if he needed to.. so we got married. I knew on our wedding night it was a mistake. I knew then he had lied to me, but it was once again too late and for a while being still a good little JW I tried to stick it out.. obviously it didn't get better.

  Update today.. I have been with this man now in a living arrangment for three months. Both of the men in my first marriages had treated me like S$#t by now. I feel more secure with this man and loved that I ever felt with those men I married. We will eventually get married. We have both talked about it.. but I was burnt out on getting burned and hurt by men and I wasn't going to rush into a marriage this time. For the first time in my life, I am doing something because it isn't a rule, but because it is healthy for me.
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  worldlygirl

  For the first time in my life, I am doing something because it isn't a rule, but because it is healthy for me.

  Good for you, Sassy!!!!!!!!!
• 

  Fe2O3Girl

  Having been married without living together first, and lived together without being married, in my experience, marriage is not difficult to get out of.

  Marriage eliminates the option of the easy way out. If anything, it helps people work to make the relationship work. They entered into it, they should try and make it work. One person cannot get up, leave, forget the whole thing and start out new with no problems when you've got that piece of paper.

  Well, I did get up, left, forgot the whole thing and started out new with no problems. What we didn't have was any children together, or property that needed selling. He could afford to keep the house we had without my contribution, so I just signed the deed over to him. I admitted adultery and it cost £40 to get divorced. Oh, yeah, and he kept the car. What makes breaking up difficult or easy is what you are prepared to walk away from.

  In the UK, the single biggest commitment you can make is a joint mortgage. Once you have signed up to buy a property that neither of you can afford to live in on their own, you are bonded for 25 years. Getting free will be a long and painful struggle if things don't work out. I was lucky when I left my husband that there wasn't a big mortgage, and I was willing to walk away from the equity in the house.

  I remarried because we wanted to declare our love and commitment before our friends and family. I am not foolish enough to believe that that makes our relationship any more secure. It's not that simple.
• 

  Mary

  Worldlygirl said: in North Carolina where I live, there is actually a law on the books (antiquated) that states if a man and woman go to a hotel, misrepresent themselves and register as husband and wife, then technically they are married and must file for a divorce if they no longer want to be married.

  Oh my god, what a hoot!! How're you doin' Worldlygirl?? Did you get even with your hubby??? I've been gone for a while and I'd love to know what happened with the "revenge".............

  Mary
• 

  jws

  Just a little piece of useless trivia --- in North Carolina where I live, there is actually a law on the books (antiquated) that states if a man and woman go to a hotel, misrepresent themselves and register as husband and wife, then technically they are married and must file for a divorce if they no longer want to be married (which requires a one-year waiting period in this state as well as equitable distribution of assets!!) However, common-law marriage is NOT recognized in the state. So, I guess it depends on where you "do it."

  So I wonder how many people have 2 or 3 or more spouses and don't even know it. Is there anything about polygamy in the laws.

  But, as far as living together, I think that if you're thinking of getting married to somebody, you should live with them before doing that. Living day-in and day-out with somebody shows you their real personality. Everyone can be on their best behavior when dating and you only see them for a few hours at a time. But when that person is there, all the time, their real personality starts to come out. You start to see how you really function (or don't function) as a couple. There can be stuff (although it may be petty) that can drive the other person nuts. If you can't learn to deal with that stuff and end up breaking up over it, there is a lot less legal mess to deal with. I see no need to prolong the agony and force it to work and be miserable.

  I think there were a lot of JW couples I knew that had a very rough go of it at first. They came right from living with mom and dad to living with somebody else and having to fit into these predefined roles of head-of-household and homemaker. Probably getting married young has a lot to do with the problems, but I know some of the problems were related to learning to deal with the other person's true personalities and habits. He doesn't pick up his dirty clothes, she leaves her pantyhose drying in the bathroom, etc., etc.

  I think society also treats you different. If you're living with somebody and break up, people don't really pay much attention. Your friends either celebrate or mourn with you, but life goes on. But the D word is a shocker. People are all sad that your marriage failed. And I think if you're a divorcee, then some people will think there's something wrong with you. That somebody couldn't stand to be with you so much, they had to divorce you. And it's who did what? Did somebody cheat? Is somebody a real asshole? And I think dating afterward, it's sort of a bad to have that divorcee label. There's more presumed baggage. Some divorcees never seem to move on and are bitter over their ex's.

  To me, it's all in the mind. You do what is comfortable for you. Committment can be just as strong without marriage as with it. Maybe even more so because there is no legal obstacle to keep you in. You are together because of your committment. I'm married (to a divorcee, by the way). We got married because that's what we both wanted. But I know plenty of couples that aren't married, but we sometimes forget that fact. Couples are couples. The marriage certificate makes no difference to how I view them. I know a lot of people aren't as open-minded though.
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  bebu

  Why do you ask?

  If you would just like to keep yourselves from being lonely until someone better comes along, then we have different ideas of what love is. You should not marry.

  Marriage gives a declaration of sorts that, for better or for worse (excluding exceptions), you wish to identify yourself with this other as "one". That is, you are legally and morally committed to looking out for your spouse's interests as your own from here on out. It is not an easy task to commit to living unselfishly; perhaps this is why marriages fail so often--that one or both did not at heart mean the vows they took.That said, mouthy's words were great, especially:

  "It is better not to vow & never pay"

  At least you'll both know where you honestly stand with each other... It's risky for the heart, IMO.

  bebu

  $.02
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  Sassy

  in my experience, marriage is not difficult to get out of.

  I think there are more strings.. even emotional.. with every legal step when you are emotionally distraught (sp?), it is more work to get out of.. ..

  and then the states that make you WAIT forever for the divorce to be final! That is a hassle!!!

  and then add the $$$$$ needed to pay for the divorce..

  don't get me wrong, I am still for marriage and I think you might work harder to hold it together than just get mad and leave.. and I do believe in it........
• 

  garybuss

  
  
  Witness marriages were polygamous. It was Watch Tower Publishing and Real Estate Development Corporation + boy + girl. We were taught our first commitment and our first loyalty was to The Watch Tower Publishing and Real Estate Development Corporation, doing business as God's channel. The marriage was called an "arrangement" and was not legal if it was not approved by The Watch Tower Publishing and Real Estate Development Corporation, dba, God's channel.
  
  If there was ever a conflict, our first commitment to The Watch Tower Publishing and Real Estate Development Corporation, dba, God's channel, would take prescience. In the context of The Watch Tower Publishing and Real Estate Development Corporation, dba, God's channel, people and relationships were cheap and dispensable for the good of the cause.
  
  Everything focused on The Watch Tower Publishing and Real Estate Development Corporation, dba, God's channel, and keeping the business image polished. Appearances were more important than reality and all people making up the part could be sacrificed for all the people making up the whole that made up the the facade that sold the product.
  
  The product could not be presented effectively unless the presenters reflected the claims and objectives of the stated purpose and the promise was better people presenting a better offer and the better offer was perfection and immortality. With an offer of perfection and immortality, the presenters need to look as perfect as possible and they need to look like they have a shot at immortality. Any problems relating to the marriage "arrangement" detracted from that image and thus the validity of the offer.
  
  Am I making sense?
  
  
  
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  shotgun

  I'm all for it...my wife does not like the idea though. PRUDE
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  Billygoat

  Neil and I lived together before we got married. We slept in the same bed too! But we just stopped when at our "line" we had drawn. Nothing happened until our wedding night. Or shall I say our wedding afternoon. It took us about 2 minutes after getting home for the clothes to come flying off! Haha!