Almost three years ago I came to this site out of curiosity. I'm not entirely sure why and I don't really know how I got here. I remember lurking a few days before coming out of my stupor from everything I read. It was like I was hungry and hadn't eaten in month. I couldn't read enough!!! I remember being stunned that there were so many people in this world LIKE ME! Disfellowshipped or disassociated - they were castaways, the unwanted, the rejected, the unlovable. Horrid and yet colorful stories of brothers and sisters "lovingly" being shoved out the door of a JW congregation. Different names, different congregations, different reasons and yet stories all alike. Upon finding this site, I was reminded of those soap operas where a young girl finally found her long lost twin sister. I had found a people that I connected with on a level I had NEVER experienced before. Somebody that had the same history as me, but never knew me. Such a strange experience - and yet so comforting. You all didn't have to KNOW me to KNOW me.
For years after my disfellowshipping I felt alone and abandoned. Not just from people, but from God. Even though I had begun studying Christianity and was on a new spiritual path, I could never seem to get over the pain or belief that God had rejected me. That God didn't love me. (I truly believe that experiencing the pain of abandonment from a lover, spouse, or even a parent is not nearly as damaging as believing that you've been rejected the God Almighty.) God is love? He's supposed to love everyone. And I believed He did. Just not me. I was too bad. Too selfish. Too disobedient. A slut. Hardheaded and stubborn. A modern day Jezebel to be destroyed by the dogs of Armageddon. Those were the words of my earthly father. But I heard them ring as the words of God Himself.
Have you ever had someone speak badly of you behind your back? Try to remember how you felt when you discovered it. I've discovered the last week or so that one of my three bosses has been making some pretty nasty and INCORRECT statements about me to some of my colleagues and to my two other bosses. What's so difficult is that he's super nice-nice to my face. Yesterday I was so angry and hurt that there were moments I had to go outside to the parking lot to just get away from him. I felt like screaming at him. I felt like telling him to find a new coordinator and that I was DONE. I felt like talking to his boss. I felt like pouring canned tuna juice on his desk chair.
Today, with a fresh perspective, I am reminded that just because Mr. H said the words, does NOT make them true. I AM a hard worker. I DO follow directions very well. I AM funny and I AM fun to work with. (And darn it, people like me!) I have two other bosses and close coworkers that encourage me all the time. It was difficult to see that in the midst of the pain of yesterday, but I NEED to remember that more often. It also made me realize that if I get THAT wrankled when somebody defames my character, I can only imagine what God must have been feeling when my earthly father said those terrible words to me at 18 and 19. I am a child of God that was put into the care of an earthly man that didn't do what he was meant to do. To love me.
Whose fault is that? Why do I make it mine? What about you? Are you listening to those "tapes" of the elders or the last Watchtower saying to do more, more, more...or die amidst the dogs of Armageddon? Just because they drilled that into our heads for so long doesn't make it true! We are humans. We have free will. We have control over so much of our destinies. Do you believe that?
Today I made the choice to NOT believe the words of my father from when I was 18. Today I made the choice to NOT believe the gossipy words of my boss Mr. H. Today I made the choice to believe that "this too shall pass" and that "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger". Today I made the choice to realize my worth is not connected into what the WTS thinks or what my JW parents think. My worth increases everyday. I make mistakes and learn from them. I am temporarily working at this company because it's preparing me for something better down the road. I am learning a new skill, word, joke, example everyday! I guess I'm a little like a fine red wine.
I don't know if you've even read down this far. If you have, thank you and bless you! I'm just in a very different place today than I was yesterday. Thankfully so. But strange as it sounds, I am thankful for yesterday too. It sucked alright. But if it weren't for days like that, I wouldn't appreciate the blessedness of this new perspective. I DO know that I wouldn't have gotten to this perspective without your help, encouragement, and hugs. I know that some of you REALLY believe in me and love me and are really great at telling me. I'm just working on getting ME to that point. Thank you so very much for being my long lost twin.
I love you guys!
Andi