Not sure I can handle the anger anymore

by professor 17 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  professor

  I am over 30 and have been out of the "organization" for almost 14 years now. My father is an elder who's main concern is kissing up to the C.O. so he can move up the ranks and be important. My mother seems to hate her life as a JW now but knows nothing else. She still spouts all of the same JW rhetoric on cue. Both of my parents are exemplary JW's and go that extra mile in shunning my sister and I to the extreme (we are both XJW). They say they "miss" us, but if they suffer at all it is "for righteuousness sake". Apparently they have been promised some great prizes at the end of the show for disregarding our existence.

  As I have matured with age, I have become more able to understand and express my feelings about what has happened to my family. Of course Mom and Dad won't hear any of it. Saying anything that disfavors the "organization" or the "Society" makes them push me away even further, as they shudder to think for a moment that their long lost son may be listenting to "apostates", or worse, may even be one. When I was young they taught me that being an apostate is the one sin the you can never be forgiven for and that it's okay to hate such people.

  To know that my parents almost literally hate me because of religion angers me to the point that I now want to scream and break things. I guess I feel it has been such a long time and I should be over it by now. But instead my anger boils hotter and hotter. I feel I need to let go of the idea of ever having my parents back. But at the same time, I know that is exactly what the WTS wants and expects me to do. Damn if they aren't still controlling me through my parents some 14 years later!
• 

  ozziepost

  G'day Prof,

  Many of us share your feelings. We have similar situations to cope with.

  When I find my anger getting too much, I stop and re-consider that point made by Ray Franz; they are all (including your parents) "victims of victims".

  Just a little point but I find it helps me.

  Cheers,
  Ozzie

  Freedom is not having to wear a tie.
• 

  trevor

  Professor,

  I am sorry to hear of you difficulties. You do have to just let these people go. They gave you life and then moved on with theirs. You must do the same. They neither want you or deserve you.

  You must draw closer to your sister and realize the value of her friendship. Sometimes parents have to be buried before they are dead. A grieving takes place but in time, like real death, you do get over it and move on.

  When one day they do do die your grieving will already have been done and they will no longer be a part of your emotional life

  'I was an oak, now I'm a willow I can bend.'
• 

  Tina

  Hi professor,
  I understand your pain and anger.
  When I first left,my mom started to shun me.
  I got really p'o'd about that !

  Then I decided to let her know how I felt-not about the wts policy on shunning,but about our relationship.
  Bringing up the wts always seems to bring on confrontation between those who left and those who remain.(so I left that out of it)

  I began by telling her I loved her(she has difficulty with this and probably told me this only once in my life).
  I explained that I certainly knew why she felt she needed to do this.
  I told her I was going to let go 'in love'.
  
  This meaning I would always be there for her if she needed me. That I care about her. That I wasn't going to fight the wts for her love.
  I told her that I was a good person ,and expected my relationships to supprt mutual love and affection. And I will only continue any relationship that had that basis.

  I explained I will not buy into the power and control dynamic that shunning truly is. And that she might want to re-think the ramifications(intrafamilial) of such. That if she decided to keep that choice.,I was going to accept it and go on to live my life without her in it. That it is and will be painful at first,but I can't let the feelings of anger and abandonment rule my life. That I have needs and would develop them elsewhere.
  In a nutshell,I was saying, that I was going to go on and live the fullest and best life I could,even if that meant without her.

  If you noticed I used 'I" language. Always speaking of myself and taking full responsibility for what I was saying and what I was going to do.
  Using 'you' or 'them' puts responsibilty elsewhere and becomes a blamegame. It causes the listeners defenses to go up and then confrontaion. It helps them to just listen.And that's what you want. The opportunity to state how you feel about the situation.
  Another thought. By taking it from a relationship perspective, I was trying to empower her. To show her that she could make a choice,based on that and not the wts.(that also takes some power away from the wt in my situation)

  Well,I'm happy to say the shunning didn't last long at all. She soon made overtures to keep our relationship.
  Now I know all families are different and complex at times. What works for one may not work for another. Just wanted to share my experience. And I wish you the best and hope in time you can let the anger go. Regards,Tina
• 

  LDH

  Professor, I've only left the JWs for about a year and a half now, most in earnest this past year.

  Some of the discussions I've had with my parents/aunts etc have been so frustrating I could shoot someone.

  I think a lot of us get the same veiled response and yes it is very angering. So the least I can do is say I understand what you feel, and I think my new mantra is 'Time heals all.'
• 

  Had Enough

  Hello Professor:

  I understand the frustration and anger you feel when you try to help your parents to see the org. in the real light. The anger doesn't go away because you and we feel helpless at the mercy of a group of men who control our families' lives and ultimately still have a hold on us because of that. And precious time that could be spent with our family is being wasted away because of some mens' "rules". (Even though they say they don't have rules, just principles) HA!

  By your own statement of how they react to anything negative said about the org., you can see how that approach just rarely works. JWs have a programmed "off" button in their brain that automatically is triggered when anyone says anything unsanctioned by the org. about the org.

  Like Ozzie said: they are 'victims of victims'. How true. The domino effect of that is hard to break, but experiences show it is not impossible.

  Like trevor said: we need to be like a willow and bend. They certainly won't, so perhaps trying a different approach with them might give you some satisfaction of at least trying something and not just having to sit there and take it...an approach like Tina related.

  As Tina said of her own experience with her mom, telling them how you feel using "I" instead of using "you" and "they", makes alot of sense. I can see how much more effective that will be as a defense against that "off" button activating. Hey Tina {{{hugs}}}

  What confuses me about the whole situation with shunning family members is how different JWs are in their own experiences.

  Some will actively associate with a df'd or da'd family member saying it's OK as long as you don't discuss anything spiritual.

  Others take shunning to the extreme and will only associate briefly with a family member at a family emergency like a hospital stay or a funeral and even the social gathering after.

  Others family members, at funerals, will only say hello and a few words but don't feel it appropriate to socialize after the talk.

  Some I know go to the extreme extreme and won't even go to a df'd family member on their deathbed and the funeral at all!

  What gives? Doesn't the org. pride itself on it's unity] of thought, and worship? Why

  I hope you can find some relief for your anger.

  Had enough
• 

  Yerusalyim

  Thank God I don't understand your pain, I could never understand it. What kind of organization breaks up families like this. A DEMONIC ONE that's what. May God grant you strength if not peace.

  Yeru

  YERUSALYIM
  I like peanut butter, can you rollerskate?
• 

  joelbear

  Professor.

  Boy can I identify with your feelings. I continue to grapple with acceptance. Because acceptance is the only way to get rid of the anger.

  I have a mental exercise that I go through when I seem to be reaching the brink of not being able to handle the anger or the despair any more.

  I remind myself (and I have to do this a lot) that getting mad at people for the way the behave or even getting mad at the reason they behave a certain way is just as silly as getting mad at a squirrel for running into the road or getting mad at a weed or rock for being there. This may sound silly, but it helps me cope with my place in the universe and how little control I have over people or anything else.

  hugs

  Joel
• 

  sf

  Dear Professor,

  I hear ya loud and clear on. Now that you have become aware of the amount and quality of anger you are experiencing AT THIS TIME (as it WILL and DOES pass as you gain more and more Knowledge re: the korruption of this kult and help others become just as aware), and the more you "vomit" the "toxins" out, the pain eases and so does alot of the F.E.A.R. I say this to you as this has been my experience with the type and degree of anger you are challenging now.
  It took my quite a while to get control and learn to manage that anger. It creeps up in high degrees at times depending on what comes across "the wire" concerning this kult. Also, I get strong feelings of helplessness and powerlessness occasionally, yet not near as much as I used to. BUT, it's a feeling that CAN be managed and turned around at will.

  Also, I started learning how to do things on and with my computer that Enables me to bring info and other related items to sites all over the world! And THAT is a great healing mechanism for Me. Also, voice chatting and building a strong support system; which can be found in a variety of sites that have links to "support sites and chatrooms". They have literally been my therapy and everyday more and more people from or affiliated with this kult, are tapping into these sites. There are alot of us at yahoo and other jw sites and rooms who bring url's to the people and the lurker's so that are AWARE that they are not alone and that it's not all made up. And most importantly, a place to be ABLE FULLY to express your rage/fear/pain in the most utter way that YOU need to. Those are the type of rooms that I like creating at yahoo. A "toilet" if you will; a place to "vomit" without judgement or worry of "mess". That's what "soap and water" are for.

  Thank you for sharing your anger. It's STILL a good feeling to know others FEEL too.

  Sincerely, sKally/ "wturls"(wtURLs) on yahoo voice
• 

  ros

  Dear Professor:

  Your anger is wholly warranted imo. I believe the Watchtower's shunning policy is among their most abominable practices, and I for one would be willing to bring them down over that one issue if it were in my power. Shunning is the root of their totalitarian hold over their members. IMO, it is the most incidious of their practices, for if that were lessened, people would make wiser decisions in other areas without fear of repraisal.

  Shattering family relationships is right up there with blood prohibition and protecting child abusers imo.
  Are there other exWitnesses in the region where you are?