Need Advice From Abuse Victims or People Who Counsel Abusers

by imallgrowedup 17 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  imallgrowedup

  I never thought I would be writing a post like this, but I am really torn, and I need some insight. I know this is a little long, but I really need advice.

  I drive in a carpool picking up neighborhood kids from school and then drop them home. Today, when I picked up one of the boys, age 7, he had a huge bruise that began at his cheekbone and went about halfway down his face. He also had what I can only describe as two circular bruises, about the size of a dime, on his neck behind the ear on the same side of his face. When I saw him I asked him what happened, and he told me he fell.

  Under normal circumstances, I would have let it go at that. However, I have a casual friendship with his mother, and have seen her get very angry over the slightest things her children have done. The look she gets on her face has surprised me on a number of occasions. Because English is the second language for the whole family (they are from India), her child struggles at school. Yet I have heard her be very harsh with her children about their school work, and expects more from them than I think she should. His mother has mentioned that she has gotten notes from the teacher about him not paying attention in class, and how mad it makes her that he doesn't listen. I have a strong suspicion the boy has ADD, and have even mentioned it to the mother, but I don't think she's done anything about it.

  Anyway, yesterday, when I had picked this boy up, I saw a note the teacher had sent home saying that he had not been "on task" all week and that she was frustrated with him. The note required the parent's signature. Before I even took the child home I knew he was going to be in trouble, however, I honestly didn't know to what extent.

  Before the child got into the car this afternoon, I pulled him aside and asked him again about his bruises. After asking open ended questions I got out of him that he had tripped on a toy car and had fallen on the floor. While he was talking to me, it seemed very much like he was telling me the truth, however, because I've seen the mother overreact in the past, I thought I would ask him one more question, and that was: "did anyone hurt you?" The boy looked away and said, "no". Because he looked away, I asked him again. He still did not meet my gaze, and said, "no". I asked him to please look at me, and asked him one more time. Again, he said "no." I wasn't convinced he was telling the truth, yet at the same time, I wasn't convinced he was lying. Then, on the way home, the mother called me on my cell to see where we were because she was worried about her son. This struck me as very odd, as she has never called me on my cell while enroute to home before. I asked her why she was worried, and she said that he had been acting "weird". I asked her what she meant, and she was very vague, just kinda said, "not acting right". Then she told me that she had wanted him to stay home from school that morning, but the child had insisted on going because there was a special party going on at school that he didn't want to miss, so she let him go anyway. When I got him home, she was waiting at the door and seemed to be a bit distraught. When the boy tried to go in the house, she stopped him, looked at his bruises, then gently carassed them. She turned to me and said that she was worried about him. Again, I asked her why. She just said because he is not acting right.

  In retrospect, I know I should have asked her how he got the bruises, but because I was so suspicious, I didn't want to appear suspicious by talking about the elephant in the living room. Now I wish I had so I could have compared their stories. I am very torn here - should I believe the child when he says no one hurt him, or could this be typical of an abuse scenario? I do NOT want to get this family in any trouble if everything is exactly as the child says - but I also don't want the child to suffer if the mother really went off on him. (I know it would have been the mother because the father is out of town). What should I do? I know there are people here who have much better insight than me. Please help me with this dilemma!

  Thanks for listening,

  growedup
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  Valis

  You could do a couple things. Ask the principal of the school or the child's teacher to look into it. Or you could notify your local CPS agency and express your concern. Nothing wrong w/that. I'm thinking that ya maybe approaching the parent is a good idea on one hand, but on the other if the child is being abused the possibility of the kid being taken away from your car pool or abused worse is there. Best of luck and do what you think is in the child's best interest above all things.

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  imallgrowedup

  Valis -

  Thanks for replying. I actually did call the school to see if I could talk to the teacher. The vice principal answered the phone and told me the teacher had just left. I asked her if she could call the teacher at home and ask her to please call me, and she was quite indignant that I would ask such a thing. She kept trying to pry out of me what I wanted to talk to the teacher about, and I told her I couldn't tell her because it could have huge implications. (I know school personnel are "mandated reporters"). She finally said she would call the teacher, but I don't know if she actually did or not. I've not heard from her (the teacher) yet, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. At any rate, I figure the teacher has already asked the child similar questions to my own, but that she is not going to be able to discuss it with me. So I thought I would just tell her the story the child told me, and if it was different than what he told her, then because she is a mandatory reporter, I wouldn't have to be the one to call CPS. On the other hand, if the child told her the same story, then at worst I would look foolish for having her call. However, I would rather look foolish than have the child subjected to anymore abuse - if indeed that is what is happening.

  Again, thanks for your suggestion. I will wait on the teacher, and if I don't hear from her soon, perhaps I will call CPS. I just don't want to be wrong if I do.......

  I gots me a headache. Can you send me a beer?!

  growedup
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  Big Tex

  imallgrowedup

  I can't tell you what to do, that must be your decision. I can only tell you what I would do presented with the same circumstances that you describe.

  Let me cut to the chase first. I would call Child Protective Services, or whatever the California equivalent would be. I would describe to them exactly what you have posted. After that, I would let it go, unless of course there are additional bruises or other behaviors that you feel need to be addressed.

  Now, as far as the bruises. Is it possible there is an innocent, non-abusive cause? Absolutely. My son once stood up in his high chair, slipped and bit through his bottom lip. We took him to a minor emergency clinic. Blood was everywhere, he was crying and frankly he looked like he had been beaten. We were questioned by the staff very carefully and very thoroughly. I had no problem answering and we were open and honest. As we were leaving, I told the staff how much I appreciated their concern over Jackson, in that they were not afraid to question Nina and I. Yes it was uncomfortable having people look suspiciously at us, but it was a price I was willing to pay so that other children could be protected. So leave it to those trained to ask certain questions and look for certain reactions. As a child of abuse, and a parent, I would rather make a report, throw it out to the universe and allow what is supposed to happen, to happen. I would not want the responsibility of keeping silent and allow something hideous to continue.

  As for the school, I'm sure as a parent you know how bureacratic they can be, and always over the pettiest things. I have little respect for the school infrastructure, and although I do admire the job good teachers do, I am impatient and irritated over some of the mindless games the school office staff often play. Personally, I would say nothing more to the school.

  I would not say anything to the parents for several reasons. You don't know how they would react (and these days I mean that literally), you don't know what happens behind closed doors and really when all is said and done, what are they going to say? You have no authority. You are a kind, highly intelligent and intuitive person, but you do not carry the big stick. And to be fair, if positions were reversed, and your child had an accident at home by say slipping and falling on a toy or (like my son did once) jumping down from the top bunk and landing wrong, and a neighbor you know casually asked you about it, how would you react? It's a natural reaction to be defensive, and I don't see where it would do you, or (potentially) the boy any good.

  imallgrowedup, thank you very much for having the concern, interest and thoughtfullness to even make this type of post. I hope to God there is nothing to this story, that there is an innocent, perhaps even laughable explanation, but that child is owed a legitmate, serious investigation of what happened. If there is nothing to it, then those parents will have been cost (at most) a little awkwardness. If however, there is a more sinister cause for those bruises, then you may have prevented something horrible from happening. You quite literally could have saved the boy's life.

  This is a risk/reward scenario. What kind of risk are you taking, versus what kind of reward? To my mind, it is a no-brainer. Leave it to the professionals to make the call. All they need is the opportunity to investigate.

  Thanks again for making this thread.

  Chris
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  blondie

  I understand that CPS will not use your name. Confidentiality is imperative or no one would ever call.

  Blondie
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  FlyingHighNow

  Is it possible you can visit with the mother of this child? Could you see how things are at home and maybe see if there is a good way to work into asking her about the child's bruises?

  I have known parents who were accused of abuse that were innocent. I have seen my own children bruised from accidents and have had people, even their doctors ask me about them. I wasn't offended because I realized they were concerned about my children. I thanked them for their concern and I explained what I knew. One time my son had a small bruise on his back, very small, but the doctor asked me about it anyway. I told him I wasn't aware he had a bruise.

  It sounds to me like the mother may not be the one who bruised the child. Her concern and tender caresses indicate to me someone else may have done this. Does this little boy have older siblings or cousins who might have hurt him? What about neighborhood bullies? How is the father in all of this.

  I am encouraging you to be vigilant in looking out for this child, but not to jump to any conclusions. The child's welfare is of utmost importance. You don't want to accuse innocent parents of abuse though if they are indeed innocent.

  Heather
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  wednesday

  Really, CPS is the way to go. They will come and talk with her and that will speak volumes to her. She will then know that someone, somewhere is concerned about her child being beaten. It also creates a record for any future problems.
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  Eyebrow2

  It looks like you have made a very earnest effort to see if this boy is in danger, and you just don't know.

  A few years ago when my son was in first grade I was reported to family services because he was out a lot due to sickness, and he was having problems in school. At first I was outraged, but then, after I talked with the family services, I was quite glad that they had a policy in place. Once I explained things, and they could see that he was not abused or neglected things were fine. It was uncomfortable for me, but I got through it.

  As a parent, I sometimes feel that society puts too much emphasis on "the village" taking part in raising a child instead of the kid's family. HOWEVER, if you just don't know...if it really could be either way, I encourage you to report it. Do it as Big Tex said, just like you did here. Make it clear to protective services that you just don't know...it could be either way. But better that the child's parents be innocent and get ticked off at you, then the boy or other children in the house being beaten.

  Maybe the mother is telling the truth. If he has been acting odd, I wonder if his injury is more severe than she realizes. Someone needs to report this. Just be clear that it could go either way. In any event, even if this was just an accident this kid obviously needs help dealing with school. It sounds like his parents have not been able to help him, so many some on in protective or family services can assist them with that.

  This is such a hard call to make. But keep this in mind: A few years ago a little girl named Kassidy Bortner died as a result of her mom's boyfriend constantly beating on her. The people that babysat for her and her mother never did anything about it, and she died. I think she was barely 2 years old. The babysitter was an elderly man, and he will never forgive himself. There are a lot of Kassidy Bortners out there...god help anyone of us that knows one and does not have the courage to do something.
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  imallgrowedup

  Thank you to everyone who replied. After 24 hours of agonizing over what to do, I finally decided to call CPS. I just got off the phone with them and I can not believe the relief I feel. Thank you so so so much for helping me make this very difficult decision. Everyone gave me very good advice, but because I want anyone else who may read this thread who is in the same position I have been in, or has the opportunity to help someone make a decision like this, these points were very powerful and could help someone make the right decision:

  So leave it to those trained to ask certain questions and look for certain reactions. As a child of abuse, and a parent, I would rather make a report, throw it out to the universe and allow what is supposed to happen, to happen. I would not want the responsibility of keeping silent and allow something hideous to continue.

  I would not say anything to the parents for several reasons. You don't know how they would react (and these days I mean that literally), you don't know what happens behind closed doors and really when all is said and done, what are they going to say? You have no authority. You are a kind, highly intelligent and intuitive person, but you do not carry the big stick. And to be fair, if positions were reversed, and your child had an accident at home by say slipping and falling on a toy or (like my son did once) jumping down from the top bunk and landing wrong, and a neighbor you know casually asked you about it, how would you react? It's a natural reaction to be defensive, and I don't see where it would do you, or (potentially) the boy any good.

  It sounds to me like the mother may not be the one who bruised the child.

  Maybe the mother is telling the truth. If he has been acting odd, I wonder if his injury is more severe than she realizes. Someone needs to report this.

  The babysitter was an elderly man, and he will never forgive himself.

  Again, thank you everyone! I promise to keep you posted on developments.

  growedup

  P.S. Chris, your words in regards to my character were very, very kind. Thank you for your encouragement.
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  Big Tex

  I only said it because it's true.