Sometimes when I go visit my mother, she mentions that I was a good kid because I was raised by Bible Principles. I never got into drugs or theft because of Bible Principles. Is this true? I doubt it.
My childhood was filled with fear and confusion. Fear of my parents finding out anything because of physical abuse. Confusion from the physical abuse. Granted, this fear kept me from doing a lot of stupid things a lot of kids do, but the price was heavy. I had my anger supressed by my parents. I had to learn to keep it all inside. I couldn't have any freedom of speech, therefore my thoughts were kept inside. All these thoughts and emotions reaked havoc inside me. They in turn affected me physically. I had many problems with stomach pain as a child.
I was considered a "shy" person. In my opinion, this happens for a reason. The thoughts and feelings bottled up didn't need much to start seeping out. Any excess of emotion would trigger tears.
When I was in grade 3, my dog showed up at school. Hell, I should've been a proud kid showing off my dog. But it was quite the opposite. I cried. Everyone was asking me why I was crying? I had to make up excuses, although I can't remember what they were. I didn't even know why I was crying, but I couldn't stop. If you're wondering what happened, the principal drove me and my dog home. My brother was in town visiting at the time, and neither him, my mother, the principal, nor I could figure out why I was crying.
I remember another bout with my emotions "leaking". I had walked to school, and it just started coming out. I was crying for absolutely no reason at all. I felt emotional pain, and I had no clue why. I went and took comfort in the playground supervisor, and elderly lady named Mrs. Wazylowski. Little did she know, she was the only one I felt I could take comfort in. She held me in her arm and eased my crying. I normally hated being touched, but this touch was different. It wasn't conditional, it wasn't guilty, and it wasn't artificial. It was real comfort.
My stomach pains were a real problem for many years. I was often told by my mother that I was faking it. It became a reality for my mother when I was in grade 4. All morning my stomach was hurting. I told my Grade 4 teacher (who was a great guy) about the pain I was having. He told me if the need came, I could go down to the nurse's office. I continued enduring my stomach pain. I kept looking at the clock hoping for lunch hour to come so I could go home and relax a bit. Around 11:30, I felt completely ill. I went up to my teacher and told him I was going to see the nurse. I didn't even reach the end of the hallway when I threw up. Not knowing what to do with the puddle on the floor, I knocked on the teacher's door, which was in front of the puddle. She called a janitor and told me to go see the nurse. After I arrived in the nurse's office, she took my temperature (which was normal) and I was sent home with a note. My stomach was feeling much better by then, but I took full advantage of the nurse's note to stay home the rest of the day.
When I was in grade 7, the kids made fun of me because of my clothes and my religion, and they started physically hitting and kicking me. The problem was I couldn't stand up for myself. It was wrong to fight in Jehovah's eyes. I was also afraid of being labelled as the one who started a fight because of the consequences I would face at home. I was also afraid of being victorious in a fight because I was taught that winning was wrong. I felt I had no choice but to sit there and take the abuse. Because of all this, I gained a new fear - school. I couldn't escape this fear because of the other fear of what would happen if I was caught skipping school. I had noone to turn to. I had no friends because they were the ones who were picking on me. I couldn't turn to my parents because I was too ashamed of myself and I feared of what they would do. There was one option left for me - Jehovah. The problem was, Jehovah wouldn't tell me how to stop all this, neither did he provide angels to protect me (like that JW urban legend of the sister at the door with the murderer). All my emotions started leaking out physically. On top of the stomach pain, I began shaking uncontrollably before and during school. I was completely engulfed in fear.
It was only when I began leaving "bible principles" behind that I began shaking all the problems that had built up over a period of 13 years. A few years ago, I ran into a girl I went to Elementary school with who had a crush on me. She was absolutely blown away by my chattiness. She told me, "I'm just so shocked! You used to be so quiet, but here you are carrying the conversation!" I must say, I've changed for the better after abandoning the "bible principles" I was raised by.