Can a pedolphile reform?

by Bonnie_Clyde 21 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  Bonnie_Clyde

  I need help soon - I was molested by my brother when I was about 9 or 10 and he was about 15 or 16. It has been about 50 years now. The only way I got him to stop was when I threatened to tell my parents. Since then, I was completely quiet about it. We became witnesses not long after that and I truly believed that now that we were in Jehovah's "clean" organization that everything would be OK.

  Since then, he married and had four children. He lived 2000 miles away so for at least 30 years, I seldom saw him. He was not particularly a good father--He often used physical abuse (which he called discipline) but I do know that it was harsh enough where at least once his daughter called the police. However, in my naivity, I still believed that no way would he molest his children as he was in the "truth." Lately, after becoming more aware of the scope of the pedophile problem, I am beginning to wonder. However, all of his children are grown now. He has one grandchild, but doesn't live at all near him. In fact he is quite the loner.

  Right now, my brother is giving me all kinds of problems on another issue, even threatening to take me to court over a financial issue. All of a sudden, all my old feelings are coming back. He was always a bully when I was growing up, and now I'm seeing him as a bully again. I'm thinking that this might be the time to expose him. Don't know for sure what good it would do and whether I need to go through the trauma. Any advice?
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  Puternut

  Bonnie,

  Experts will tell you, that once a pedophile, always a pedophile. That doesn't mean he will always practice that. But the tendencies within him will always be there. And IF the circumstances are right, he might be tempted to regress. Sometimes, as seems to be the case here, they take the inner feelings, and express that in other ways. As in physical abuse, verbal etc. The fact that he was in the truth means nothing. It's an inner tendency that, once fulfilled, it may or will re-occur possibly. So caution is needed at all times.

  I understand that there are other issues that are in the picture here, and that brought up some of your feelings. Nevertheless be careful, and be on guard. You mentioned he is a bully, and that is a typical caractaristic of the behaviours. Perhaps he himself was abused when younger, and is taking his deep seated frustrations out on others, to feel powerful.

  Puternut
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  Reborn2002

  I am not going to comment on your personal experience, because I do not know enough of it to merit an unbiased analysis.

  Nevertheless, you posed a question in the topic of your post which I will address.

  Can a pedophile reform? This has been debated by experts for years. I leave you with one comment to ponder when asking this question.

  Even if a pedophile can reform, would you leave he/she alone with your child?
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  Lady Lee

  First Bonnie I'm sorry to hear of yet one more victim.

  Now -- there is no way to know for sure if he has stopped the sexual abuse unless you start asking questions. I know of some cases of adolescent abuse where the adolescent stopped. But sadly most continue. His behavior of physical abuse and bullying does not look good for him to be one who stopped. Generally those who did stop when they grew up most often had a one time incident that they felt very badly about and then worked really hard to help others instead of abuse them. He doesn't sound like this.

  Whether you disclose the history is totally up to you. I blew the whistle on my father to his second family who knew nothing about his sexaul abuse of me. When I started telling them about it they started telling me of all kinds of indicators that he was still an active predator. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had continued to remain quiet and he abused more kids.

  When I told about his abuse my younger brother who was close to him called me and screamed at me that I had no business telling his new family and that I should have talked to him (my brother) first. That was 20 years ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. Sometimes there is a price to pay for trying to protect the innocent children these men prey on.

  If you do decide to talk don't make threats for him to back down on taking you to court or you will tell. Keep the two issues separate if you can. People don't need to know all the details. It was enough for me to call his oldest step-daughter and let her know he had abused me. She did believe me. In your case they may or may not believe but you will have done what you can to at least inform them.

  In my case there were charges made to the police. I do have that and medical records to back me up but I didn't need that. But if he was still alive and a danger to child I would report him to the child abuse registry where he lives. I found out when I told the family that at one time he had a job as a school crossing guard. That made me just sick. But by the time they had the registry he was too sick to leave his house so I never reported him.

  Remember - you have the power now. He may think you forgot and that he can continue to bully you. But you have a lot more power here than he thinks (and possibly more than you think).

  Take care and I sure am glad you live far away from him
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  Valis

  Perhaps he himself was abused when younger, and is taking his deep seated frustrations out on others, to feel powerful.

  Very sad and true, but somewhere along the line you have to break the chain. I did.

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  bikerchic

  Several years ago there was a documented study done on this subject, I saw it on TV and the conclusion was that NO they cannot be reformed even under the most clinical cases ie; in heavy duty therapy and under lock and key. They would always repeat the offense as soon as they were let out of prision. You didn't mention that your brother had recieved any clinical help, one could conclude that he would not have changed. IMHO

  Right now, my brother is giving me all kinds of problems on another issue, even threatening to take me to court over a financial issue. All of a sudden, all my old feelings are coming back. He was always a bully when I was growing up, and now I'm seeing him as a bully again. I'm thinking that this might be the time to expose him. Don't know for sure what good it would do and whether I need to go through the trauma. Any advice?

  My advice is to stay on track with the issue at hand don't throw in the old stuff as a distraction. Sure the old feelings will surface, that's normal and you should pay attention to them, but don't cross one issue up with the other. I wouldn't bring up the old issues you have with him but be on guard as to how he is and how he likes to bully, thus the threat to take you to court. Beat him to the punch so to speak and hire a meditaion/attorney to help you settle the financial situation, this should keep things on tract and be less likely he would bully them!

  Once you are through this problem then if you still feel the need address the other issues of molestation talk with a therapist first I'm sure they will help you sort it all out. As far as his children are concerned and the possibility that he could have molested them, I wouldn't jump to conclusions and unless you have actually been told by one of his children that something happened it's all speculation. You should however wherever you and your children/grandchildren are concerned protect them from him.

  Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

  Kate
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  stillajwexelder

  No IMHO they can not truly reform
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  Bonnie_Clyde

  Thanks so much for the input. I'm not sure the financial issue will go to court.

  My father did physically abuse my brother during his childhood. He was an extremely stubborn child and wouldn't cooperate. He didn't just get spankings, they were beatings. However, I rarely got a spanking (I was afraid to misbehave). Also my father allways treated my mother very well.

  Interestingly, I just called my brother's ex-wife. Out of the blue, she asked me if my brother had ever (physically) abused me. I said, yes, a lot. And I told her of several instances including a couple even after we came into the truth. She said she would never have married him if she had known. I apologized for not telling her. The irony was that my brother even tried to break the engagement, but one of the elders counselled him that you cannot break an engagement because it is as binding a vow as the vow of marriage. These two unhappy people endured 35 years of marriage before it finally dissolved.

  I am Power of Attorney for my father, who is now incapacitated, while working a full-time job. My brother is retired and has all the time in the world. He has been poking through old records and has somehow convinced my father that I am mis-managing funds (which I am not). I have to provide documentation for every move I make. Problem is, even when I do provide documentation, it is misinterpreted. He is also ticked about a gift that he discovered my father made to me three years ago and feels he should have half of it. I finally wrote a letter to my father and brother (which I will be delivering soon) that I do not care to take care of finances any more and that the two of them can handle it. As far as the gift is concerned, I am seriously thinking about giving my brother half just to appease him, but I am also hurt that he is turning my father against me, and all the memories of physical (and sexual) abuse during childhood are flooding back.

  Yes, I probably could use some therapy, but I want to tell you that I have the most wonderful husband in the world. On this board I will call him "Clyde." I also have three wonderful children and two grandchildren. They make me happy, and I realize that I just have to accept that the other part of my family is dysfunctional.

  As far as the molestation issue is concerned, yes I will be careful. He doesn't seem to gravitate to children so that is a plus. I will have to think carefully about whether I should reveal my brother's behavior. If I do, I had better do it with someone else present as I feel it is possible that he might react with his fists (as he has done many times in the past).
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  Lady Lee

  One note of caution

  Never confront an abuser who has a history of violence unless there are people there who can protect you.

  My father was a very violent man and stupidly I went to confront him alone. Luckily I got out of the house and onto the street without him hitting me but it was very scary. I wouldn't advise anyone to try that.
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  Bonnie_Clyde

  A note to "Lady Lee" - I forgot to mention that my brother moved back into my area. He lives just a few miles away.