by franklin J 36 Replies latest social family
Thanks Special K for your input. My daughter and her boyfriend exchanged gifts today also. She went to his house for a little while this afternoon, with his parents there, of course, and now she is out shopping with her girlfriends.
So if she can be out with her friends shopping, she obviously (I hope) has a level head on her shoulders that she doesn't have to live and breath for this guy.
Take care
love
cj
My kids are no longer teens .... but it hasn't been that long (20 and 23, son and daughter). 16 was the 'dating' point for both....same rules for both....I had to meet the boy/girl and have a phone number for parents.
What I discovered early on was that much of the terminology did not bear the same definition....beginning in middle school they went to dances and had 'boyfriends' or 'girlfriends'...and they talked about 'going out together'....these were not the same situations as I was familiar with when I was their age.
For my kids, a boyfriend or girlfriend was someone they had a crush on or liked in their group. They hung out together in the group. Even at 16, they weren't really interested in 1:1 dating, but liked double dates or larger groups. They might accompany a guy or girl in the group, but they didn't really get into more formal dating until around 18, except for proms and big dances....even then ... it was a group thing.
Who knows, maybe it is a regional thing (we were in SF bay area), but that is how it worked there. My daughter was the oldest and the other thing I learned was the more rules I had, the more problems. For instance, curfew. The minute I sat her down and said you no longer have a curfew, instead we will work out return times based on what is happening when you go out, our relationship improved 100%. She could tell her friends she didn't have a curfew, and we both knew she was taking personal accountability for each outing....sometimes she'd come home earlier, sometimes later as opposed to a set time....and she always honored her word. This was especially good for her as a more rebellious, non-conformer; but it also worked great for my son.
I found that the minute I learned to take a deep breath, be flexible, and trust in the foundation I provided my kids, the happier and more open our relationship became.
What I discovered early on was that much of the terminology did not bear the same definition
Isn't that the truth? Our 15 year old granddaughter stayed with us for a week, when she was 14 and was getting phone calls from a boy at school. She said they were "going out". I asked her what that meant, since she couldn't date yet. She laughed at me. I finally figured out that it meant they liked each other.
I think that you and your best friends should sit in the living room with you cleaning up a shot gun,
I have one daughter. When she starts dating, I will be cleaning the gun, with the 5 boys standing behind me. Four are older than her, but Jon is only 3 yrs behind her. So when she is 16, and he is 13, I don't think he will be too small.<eg> I feel kinda sorry for any boy who comes calling on my little girl.
I'm kind of glad to read through this thread. Jennie is 10, and this is something Nina and I have talked about. I was kind of thinking that 16 would be a good age for one to one dating, but I don't have any issues with her going to school dances (Nina or I will be there) or out in groups before then.
OK, I have some strong opinions on this, so I hope I don't offend with the blunt and frank nature of what I am about to share. I am taking a psych class with a health psychologist for a professor, so I have some [U.S.] statistics, too:
Franklinj -- your daughter is 12. Please educate her NOW for now IS the appropriate time and when she can use the information, to wit:
The average age for menarche (the onset of menstruation) in the US is 12-1/2. Adolescence means the activation of sexual desire. Girls usually start menstruating about 2 years before boys experience spermarche (onset of wet dreams). This is why it is advisable NOT to EVER let your daughter date any guy who is 2 years or more older than her. He is already "ready" to become sexually active, and hormones are hard taskmasters.
There are 3,000 teenage girls who become pregnant EACH DAY in the U.S. 51% of those are impregnated by guys 18 and older. That still leaves 49% impregnated by 14-18 year old BOYS.
1 out of 5 teenagers have sex BEFORE age 15 according to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. The US has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world. My prof posits that this is NOT because US teens are having more sex than teens in other industrialized nations but because of our prudish attitudes towards sex, sex education and birth control. The BEST form of birth control IS ABSTINENCE and, in fact, since the abstinence campaign has been being taught in U.S. public schools, the teen pregnancy rate has dropped slightly.
HOWEVER, the best thing that parents can do for their SONS and their girlfriends is to teach their sons NOT TO HAVE SEX. Teach them that their hand is their BEST partner if they want to release sexual tension AND not become teen fathers AND not get STDs.
Speaking of STDs, however, 1 out of 4 sexually active teens get Sexually Transmitted Diseases each year. Yes, 25%!!! And, EACH sexual encounter puts the GIRLS at risk in the following ways: a 50% chance of contracting gonorrhea, a 30% risk of getting genital herpes, and a 1% chance of contracting the deadly HIV virus--precursor to AIDS, which is a death sentence. WHY are the GIRLS (and homosexual BOYS) at such high risk? Because penetration often results in microscopic tears in the vaginal canal and the anal orifice -- and HIV and many STDs are only transmitted through the blood or saliva from blood, semen or saliva.
Here is some information taken from the following sources: Trends in the Well-Being of America's Children and Youth: 1996, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services; Michigan Department of Community Health HIV/AIDS Surveillance Program, June 1996 surveys and estimates: Committee on Adolescent Health Care.
The U.S. teen pregnancy rate has remained about the same for 20 years, though it fell slightly in 1995. In a typical year, more than 1 and 10 girls ages 15-19 becomes pregnant.
Who's having sex and at what age?
Males % Age Females %
11 13 2
15 14 5
27 15 10
41 16 21
52 17 36
64 18 52
75 19 66
80 20 76
The above chart gives you a good idea why the rule of thumb suggested by the American Association of Pediatrics is that girls not be allowed to date until age 16 and then that they should only be permitted to date guys THEIR OWN AGE. The greater the age difference between the girl and her older boyfriend, the more likely she will become sexually active sooner.
In conclusion, PLEASE EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN early (the best indicator of when a girl will begin menstruating is to ask her mother when she did. Then subtract 6 months and have the birds and bees talk then) AND ARMED WITH FACTS. PLEASE GET OVER YOUR EMBARRASSMENT AND TELL YOUR SONS, Moms, since Dads--according to Lahey '97--only spend an average of 8 minutes daily of direct interaction with their high school children in the U.S., THAT MASTURBATION IS OK and preferable to ruining their lives by getting their girlfriends pregnant and the both of them sexually active before they are ready to become parents. Oh -- and girls can masturbate, too, of course, but that won't affect teen pregnancy rates one way or the other...
outnfree
PS -- My girls did have boyfriends beginning at about age 13, but it was always group activities--bowling, movies, school dances (of which there were 4 in 8th grade and I ALWAYS chaperoned). As Mulan and another poster mentioned terminology has changed, "dating" now is what "going out" was then. When you're "going steady" these days, then you are "dating" -- exclusively. My kids were not allowed on "couple" dates until age 16, except for Homecoming where, again, a big group went together and often not all of the group were paired up anyway.
30!
Well maybe not 30 (I have daughters too). The times we live in are fast. I don't care how polite the boys are to you their desire for sex is real. I guess I would go with the graduated freedoms approach begining at 15/16.
