It's coming up on three years that I've been Borg-free (*humming now to "Born Free"* -- lol), and while sorting through some papers I found the following, disgustingly self-berating example of how the WT made many of its adherents feel-- lower than worms. Just look at how much I was beating myself up, thinking myself a failure as a mother, Christian and wife. It makes me positively ill now to realize how terribly unhealthy JW-land was for so many of us. And perhaps the saddest thing is that I meant every single word of it at the time it was written...
"I am once again tongue-tied. I don't know how to express my disappointment and hurt. Mostly because I haven't sorted it all out within myself. Which is what I am going to do now.
"I am angry. Mostly at myself. I know I have disappointed my God. A parent is supposed to be an instructor. A parent is supposed to be consistent. I have not been, and the results right now about this awful holiday are devastating to me and ultimately damaging to my children, although they may not know it yet.
"I have obviously failed as an instructor. I have not reached the hearts of my pupils, the ones I have the strictest charge to make into disciples. They obviously do not even understand on an intellectual level why they should not celebrate Halloween. And I have not helped them cultivate enough love for Jehovah that they wouldn't dream of disappointing Him. Neither have I helped them cultivate enough respect for me that they wouldn't want to hurt me by practicing things that I see as sinful.
"I have obviously failed in consistency. I did provide the transportation if not the means for Katie to go ahead and get a costume this year. My heart was weak, wondering if she didn't have a right to experience at least one year of trick or treating in her life. Wondering if getting it out of her system (it's really not all that great!) would bring her back to me and Jehovah. Instead, I simply played right into Satan's hands by straddling a fence again!!! Something that I thought I had decided against doing long ago.
"And so I have a husband (who doesnt have the same standards anyway) who sees Katie with a costume (with my knowledge and help), and who decides to provide the others with costumes and the opportunity to trick or treat as well! I am hurt and angry at this, but is it really fair to be so? No. Because I have myself promoted the atomosphere of permissiveness instead of taking a firm and uncompromising stand for what I know Jehovah thinks is tright -- "...what sharing do righteousness and lawlessness have? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness? Further, what harmony is there between Christ and Belial [the rest of the verses edited out because you get the idea]." -- 2 Corinthians 6:14-18
"Yes, I am not fulfilling my duty toward Christ and toward Jehovah. I wish for my children (and my husband) to be sons and daughters to Jehovah. I wish, but I must act. I must be the upholder of truth and righteousness in this family. I must not capitulate when I know what is asked of me would be sin. Because I will be held accountable. Rather than rejoicing that my conduct has won disciples, I will be bitter as I am now, that I led them into sin and death. Yes, I am bitterly disappointed -- mostly by myself!
"So I need to resolve in my heart what I am going to do. It is not enough to sit here in tears writing and thinking things through. I must have a plan of action. I must be more godly myself.
"First, I must pray more often. Second, I must make known to B my desire to be able to pray aloud over the meals we share together at home. Third, I must institute a regular Bible study schedule with the children -- or the Family book with the entire family would be ideal! Fourth, I need to concentrate on personal faults - beginning with yelling and screaming, perhaps - and correct them. Of course [of course!! *barf*], this is all in addition to study, service and meeting attendance.
"There are many more things I need to work on to become truly righteous. But let me concentrate on these now, and when a difference is noticeable, I can move on to others.
"I must put my love for Jehovah and my knowledge of what He deems right and good above all else. I must learn to hate what God hates, and to be firm in not permitting my children (or myself) to practice these things.
"And I must make my feelings and my plan known to my loved ones. They do not realize at all how torn up I am that they choose to celebrate Halloween. I'm sure they don't see it as a lack of respect for me and my (strong) feelings on the matter, but I do. I feel very disrespected! And again, very culpable, because I have not set a clear and firm standard this year for them to live up to. I am sick that I have proven to be a terrible ambassador for Christ in my own household! I keep thinking of Mary's words to Jesus: "Child, why did you treat us this way? Here your father and I in mental distress have been looking for you." I am in sever mental distress right now. So, I resolve to do better, because I love them so much."
Can you believe?????!!! I'm so glad that I've made my exodus from that terrible place of self-loathing that the Watchtower world fed constantly! I hope this reminder of what it used to be like makes people here feel content with how far they've come in leaving this sort of emotional abuse behind.
And if I knew how to do it, I'd post the picture of me in costume at Steve and Joy's last Halloween as the perfect "I'm not buying into that crap anymore!" contrast.
outnfree
