Your post gave me the willies (and I've never been a dub!). Thank gawd you're FREE..... keep humming that song (lol)
How sick is this??!!!!!!
by outnfree 13 Replies latest jw friends
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bebu
My word. I know that self-examination is good, and it when you have a guilty conscience it is right to face up...
But what a never-ending 'vortex of despair' the JWs inspire. No one could ever overcome when everything you want to do (whether or not it was a good objective or not) is motivated by guilt. And you can see how, without realizing it, you were trying to pass along the guilt trip to Katie.
You have a sensitive heart; they must have had you whipping yourself constantly.
I'm soooo glad that you came to your senses, Outnfree!!!
bebu
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outnfree
Thank you all for your warm replies.
Lee, I am glad I am out and free, too!
Eisenstein, GUILT is the operative word. Never being good enough. Never matching up to what the Society claimed were Jehovah's standards but often upon things that God never pronounced upon AT ALL!!! If you have family in, I can understand your dilemma about the DA letter... I wish you peace with whatever decision at which you arrive.
Sassy, I was literally ill and happy at the same time as I was reading this blast from the past. Ill that I had been so duped and yet so miserable. Happy that I've made my way out from under that dumpster truck full of waste that is Witness teaching and which nearly buried so many of us. And, unfortunately, has literally buried some as well.
jgnat, Yes, dear, all of my children are out with me--they never were in; they were much quicker to see the truth than I--and we are united in non-worship!
((((pat)))), I am very grateful that my oldest rebelled at 12 and made her way and that I left myself by the time my youngest was 12. They got to do normal teen stuff, but grammar school was hell for all of them. The poor things got to wade through Catholic grade school for 8 years trying to be Witnesses. Arrghh! Now THAT is something painful to still contemplate! We cannot go back in time, unfortunately BUT...
...Anybody reading this who is a wavering Witness with children, PLEASE consider what you're doing to them while you waffle and postpone what you know in your heart is inevitable--leaving the Borg.
clear, I found it a good reminder also. Which is why I wanted to share it.
((((Sheila,))))) Thanks for the many hugz. I don't keep a journal. Keep thinking it would be a good idea but I guess I don't have a strong enough need. I do like to write when I'm burdened by something, and so happening on these pages was a surprise.
I remember that Halloween night. Everyone was out, I was mad at myself, and I was sitting in the study (back of the house) with the only light on (I was NOT giving out treats, of course!!!), beating myself up because I was raising such an unholy family. I found those pages tucked in between information on the history of these pagan holidays (yuck!), and a couple of old WTs. It still amazes me how seemingly content I was to let the Watchtower and my local elders make me feel rotten about myself, my kids, and my homelife. None of it was ever as bad in reality as it was when held up to the outlandish WT ideal. I was damn hard on myself!
(((flower))),
It makes me physically weak to read the entries I made in it. To see just how much I believed I in what they taught.
Yep! I felt ill. And yet, like you, I feel blessed today to have made it out more or less (in my case) intact. Your little boy is SO lucky!
OFC, thanks for taking the time to post! Frankly, I'm at a place where I believe that there is a God who is Love, and I agree with a Jewish proverb I just read yesterday: " He who loves brings God and the World together. -- Buber, "At the Turning." The WT was so expert at proclaiming Love but practicing harsh, Judgmentalism! I, too, want to feel like this when I grow up:
I will indeed allow myself to be happy and content. I will not allow anything to destroy my mind and soul and heart ever again I will be at peace and free.
I'm working on it.
DoubleEdge, Boooorn freeeeeeee, as free as the wind blows..... as free as the grass grows, born free to follow my heaaaaart!
Bebu, "Vortex of despair" -- what an apt description! Yes, I whipped myself constantly (why did I ever think that was OK??!!!!??? Because you are right,
No one could ever overcome when everything you want to do (whether or not it was a good objective or not) is motivated by guilt.
I DID try to make ALL of my children feel guilty. Fortunately, they only bought into it to a certain degree, and then they just thought I was being stupid. Which I was. (They think I'm SO much smarter now! LOL).
To all,
I did want this post to be a reminder of the twisted, emotional self-flagellation a LOT of JWs perform on themselves without even really being conscious of it, because the WT Society keeps telling them, in myriad and subtle ways, they are worthless in Jehovah's eyes. And all I have to say is: NOT TRUE!
Love,
out
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Aztec
Hey hon, I don't have much to add to the above but, (((((((Out))))))). I hate to steal a saying from a cigarette company but, you've come a long way baby! Love ya!
~Aztec