Sad and guilty....

Trailblazer

I have just come from my parents house. My dad just informed me that he and my mother cannot attend my wedding. (I was married before, have "faded away" and am getting re-married). It just sucks. I am finally feeling the full impact of shunning from my extended family and friends. Any tips on how to deal with this?

Joyzabel

Welcome to the board, Trailblazer.

Hold your head high and live a good life. That will puzzle those who want to shun you. If you look like they expect you to look, down trodden, weeping and nashing your teeth, they will rejoice.

Make new friends and don't anguish over the hurt being imposed on you. Easier said than done, but it is what needs to be done for your mental health.

Welcome again.

Joy

Joyzabel

Yikes, board demonz are at it again!

doubel post, sorry

Joy

Sassy

Sorry Trailblazer. A lot of us are in the same boat. I was just talking about that with my bf last night. I told him if we get married, not to expect my mother, because I know she won't attend. He couldn't believe it..

It hurts, but we can't change their minds. They are going to do what they are going to do..

You may notice there is a thread started by Vallis welcoming you to the site...

Hopefully being able to talk about some of the hurts here will help you as much as it has helped us.

Nosferatu

First of all, welcome to the board!

I'm having problems with my wedding too, even thought it's not JW related. My dad has basically indicated that he's not coming to my wedding. I've made it a point to invite him anyway; if I don't, he won't have a reason to put the blame on me for not attending my wedding.

It's him who's choosing to distance himself from me. I've chosen the way I want to live my life, and it's not my fault he's doing this. He has no respect for the decisions I make in my own life. I'm not his robot, I'm a living, thinking human being, and I'm not owned by anyone. I have a freedom of choice. Regardless of whether he attends or not, I'm going ahead with my plans to marry. It's my day, and that's all that counts.

That's how I'm dealing with my situation.

Puternut

Trailblazer,

Welcome. It's a toughie. My oldest daughter is getting married later this fall. And I am not to be there. But remember it's THEIR decision. They are being told by an organization what they can or cannot do. You are not the one that is shunning them. As hard as it is, let them know that you still care for them unconditionally. Then it puts the burden back in their lap. As much as it hurts you, it's really them that are hurting. And that is a decision they need to live with.

Heads up, you have a new life ahead of you. They will see by your example that you are happy without this organization.

Puternut

jgnat

Sad to say, not the first time we have heard this story. What do you have to be guilty for? Your parents chose to shun - that is the great evil. It is normal to be sad and grieve for what you are losing. Send an invitation anyways. Then plan your wedding the way you want it. Don't worry about following any of the old WT standards about what is appropriate or inappropriate for a wedding. If you can't have your parents there, at least you can have your freedom of choice.

Trailblazer

Thanks everyone for all of your input. I can't believe how much better I feel already knowing there are others who understand. At first I felt very alone. And your right Puternut, I should put it back in thier lap. After all it is THEIR decision.....

Rabbit

Trailblazer:

(I was married before, have "faded away" and am getting re-married). It just sucks. I am finally feeling the full impact of shunning from my extended family and friends. Any tips on how to deal with this?

This issue was the reason for me looking for and finding this site. I too was married before, wife unscripturally divorced me and left me hanging. I too 'faded away'. I got remarried to a non-JW (good gal, too !) my family and relatives informed me they would have nothing to do with the wedding --- and they did not.

6 months have passed without one single word or letter from them. Then a few days ago,,,after a few calls from me to my sisters answering machines...one of them called me back ! We of course did not speak of the wedding or religion, she was very friendly and acted as tho' nothing had happened. I had been extremely angry and hurt by their decision, but as I wanted them to respect my free will, I would respect their 'choice'. I then got a nice letter and pictures of her kids from her, too. What is she thinking...? I dunno. My other sister and her side have never called back, as we were close, I will just keep doing what I am doing, maybe things will change, it is their choice.

Incidently, I am not DF or DA -- yet. They just told me I was 'sinning' by not marrying 'in the Lord' ! Even tho' no JW sister would have even dated me, because I," was not free to re-marry." She would not have put herself in the position of getting DF herself. Catch-22 !

Someone earlier said something about 'showing' people you are happy and sucessful as the best way to 'quiet' your critics. I agree. Most anyone who sees me with my new wife, sees the Love and happiness between us. They say "It's so obvious how much you guys love each other." That's the way we feel, too.

So, my advice is...be happy anyway you can, marry if you want to. Maybe, the 'critics' will see how happy you are and feel 'guilty' for raining on your parade.

And like 'puternut' above, I am not invited to my daughters wedding or her graduation or anything else. That makes me sad. But, now everyday I have someone to share my life with.

I hope the best for you.

Lee

JamesThomas

Welcome Blazer.

Any tips on how to deal with this?

As Puternut said: "it's really them that are hurting". It may help your growth to not be angry towards them for what they do, but realize instead that they are human too. Do not think for a moment that their shunning you does not hurt them greatly. More than anything they naturally desire to be present at their beloved daughters wedding. Their cult imprisonment is tearing them apart inside. They are victims of extreme psychological abuse. It is normal and healthy for you to feel hurt and saddened at their absence. Respect and allow your pain. Just don't let it breed bitterness and hatred, but rather deeper understanding and compassion. Allow yourself to continually and nonjudgmentally love them -- for if not you -- who? j

Sad and guilty....

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