There seem to have been a lot of threads lately on the subject of parental abuse and quite a few of us are still finding this really hard to cope with. I've been reading them and not getting uset as I would have done a while ago and was wondering why.I think i've finally worked it out and was just wondering if what I did could help you in the way it helped me.
I had a physically and emotionally abusive home life until I left home at eighteen.I spend years alternatively trying to come to terms with it and blocking it all out.
This is'nt a sob story-the kind of abuse I suffered is probably the same if not less than a lot of you.
I had to watch my mother being beaten, her head kicked against glass doors, being dragged around by her hair; being hit, punched thrown etc.She came close to death a few times but we could'nt call an ambulance as the doors would be barred and locked and the telephone disconnected, with threats of worse punishment for our mother if we tried to reconnect it and the added threat of being out in to care if we told anyone was a common threat. I has bones broken, my rib cage is still misshappen, had the same treatment as my mother if I tried to help her and she would be attacked if she tried to help me.I was never praised, by him, or told I was loved- always told he was so much better/ stronger/ more intelligent than I was.I had to witness a fight where my brother was trying to help me and my father was threatening to stab him, to stand there at 10 and wait for someone I loved so much possibly die was the most sickening moment of my life.My mouth was washed out with soap until I was violently sick if I answered back and I was forced to watch a lifetime of fawning from groups of quite impressive peope tell me how wonderful, sucessful and modest he was in his career and his hobby.I'm scared of tall men (you tall guys at the apostofests don't know how wonderful it is for me to be able to hug a tall man without feeling sick or scared )and feel dizzy with panic if someone raises their hands near me;even sarcasm,a superior or scathing tone , or the closing of a door makes me feel physically ill and ready to run.
Yet through all this I still felt I wanted him to love me.I still felt guilty for not being close to him.
I was still too scared to talk to him propery about it.
And I still wanted him to love me.
I had other things happen to me that I won't go in to ,but because I was always wary of not upsetting my mother anymore and the way my father was, I could'nt tell them, so ended up emotionally messed up and trying hard to get through my teenage years with residue of my home life and other exeriences piling on top, which made it quite a tough time.
Finally, a few weeks before his death. although we did'nt know he was ill; I finally found the courage to sit him down and tell him how angry I was with him about the way he'd treated us all.I told him it was wrong and unkind and cruel and twisted, and that if he wanted more support from me to look after him (he was feeling ill then but we did'nt know why ) he'd have to take this on board and explain himself.
To my surprise he cried and was so sorry, it all came out about his own abusive childhood and when we'd finished talking he actually looked relieved and even though we only had a few weeks left they did feel actually honest and as though we'd started again.
The point i'm trying to make is that sometimes we don't know whats gone on in someone's past and perhaps the childhood they gave you was a little better than the one they had- or perhaps they just want to be able to say sorry to you but are too scared to start the conversation.
If you've still got some kind of relationship with your parents but are hurting from things that have happened in the past you could try talking to them and actually telling them how much what they did hurt you and ask them if they'd like to explain why they did the things they did.
They know it was'nt right.And even if they don't listen or brush you away; they'll know that you know it was wrong and you gave them a chance.and if you're lucky, they might hav been worrying about it for years an might be really grateful or a chance to unburdon themselves and start a new, honest relationship with you to help you heal and to be the parent they should have been.
i'm not saying you have to forgive them-I did'nt actually forgive my father and I still hate what he did- but this might help you move on as you could feel, like I did, that i'd said it all and so I could walk away from the endless agonising and draw a line underneath it all ((((all of you)))
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