A spin-off to Does it ever get easier?

Joysome

My question is regards to family though. Does missing your mother ever get easier? Does not wanting to hurt her or even others in the congregation get easier? That's the hardest part. I miss my mother so much. but going back to simply have a relationship with her isn't fair to her or myself. So what is a person to do? I'm ok most days but when I'm checking my mail and my mother drives by and looks at me and doesn't beep and wave, yeah that's hard. I don't know...and I don't know if it's my upbringing but I have this need to please people and do things that will make them happy and love me. I know that I'm doing that right now in her eyes. So does missing your mom ever get easier?

Sassy

I am just like you joysome so I understand. For me at least mom can't drive by, she lives in another state. But it hurts. She doesn't call any more and emails are short and to the point. It feels so cold and I was very close to my mom. I also miss my old friends but I remind myself of the fact those friendships were conditional on their parts..

Does it get easier? I suppose it will in time. but it isn't healthy to be split from our family and that is one of my biggest problems with the WTS.

Love_Truth

Joysome,

I don't think it ever gets "easier", although the ability to deal with gets increasingly better with time. My Mom is still in as well, and always will be. Her example of un-Christian love, as well as the rest of the congregation, make it easier for me to deal with it. Why? I know I made the right decision- the unkindness and false "friendships" and family "relationships" is in stark contrast to the teachings of Jesus Christ: "By this they will know you are my followers, that you love one another"(John 13:34), and "the man well versed in the law" who Jesus was in absolute agreement with when he said "You must love God...and your neighbor as yourself". (Like 10:25-37)

JWs violate these teachings of Christ on a daily basis.

You will make friends, in time, that will help heal the wounds of the true apostates, the JWs.

Cheers,

Love_Truth

peacefulpete

No it doesn't get easier. While my wife and I have only been dealing with the pai of being ignored and maligned by those we love for a short while, I know someone who lost their father after 30+ years of being shunned, the pain did not disappear. I have a friend who was disowned by parents because of political differences (she voted independent while father was republican), she after 20 years still cannot think about it without crying.

The emotional bonds normally formed in infancy are nearly hardwired. That's why I always recommend that noone DA themselves unless they have absolutly nothing to lose.

Sentinel

I understand. My mom and I were very close. We were friends. That was until I started thinking for myself and becoming my own person. I didn't fit the mold she had in mind. I was a good daughter, but still a disappointment. She lives over 1,000 miles away, but even if she lived next door, the relationship would be the same. She would deny me. She would shun me. I spent a lot of time grieving over all of this. The only solution would be to deny my own soul, and I cannot do that. So, I live with the results of my choice.

In time you will find some basis for moving on and letting go and perhaps then it will become a bit easier for you. Some things cannot be changed.

/<

gitasatsangha

Just consider that the people who won't talk to you are part in parcel the people who got you into the society which took up so much time of your life you'll never get back. Fight Sadness with Bitter Cynicsm I say!

(only joking, really)

seattleniceguy

Hello Joysome,

I understand how you feel. My mom and sister have cut me off. Of course, I miss them, but I know that I've done everything possible to keep the doors open to a relationship. I've called and sent letters - really bent over backwards to let them know that whether or not to have a relationship is their choice. This is important for me, because it's easier to see the situation now for what it really is. They are trapped in a small glass house, while I walk around freely. They imprison themselves. The situation is tragic, but no one can rightly ask me to walk into their prison to relieve the situation. The only hope is for them to overcome the barriers that they now subscribe to.

It's rough having family turn their nose up at you. I wish you the strength to ride out this rocky time.

(((Joysome)))

SNG

Dawn

hugs to all of you who are dealing with this. It is soooo hard, I know. My mom only calls when she needs something from me. She's 70 and I do take care of her when she needs it - but there's no visiting, no lunches together, nothing. She occasionally drops by - but only rarely now and I think out of guilt because she knows I do a lot for her. The truth is, if my brothers (elders) lived here I wouldn't hear from her at all.

Don't know if this will help you - but I made a decision in November (after some hurtful things my mother said to me) - that family doesn't have to be blood relation. Family is much more. So I have chosen to embrace those in my life that are truly family. I have two very close friends that are like sisters to me - they have replaced my brothers that shun me. They're there for me no matter what - and much more fun too! I have a mother-in-law and father-in-law that adore me and told me I was their daughter.

It's not that the pain goes away - I love my mom so much and wish we could have that close relationship again- but its not going to happen and I have to accept that. I think of the scripture in Isaiah 61:3 "and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" - after all - how much did those people really contribute to me as a person? If they are willing to throw me aside and treat me so awful - is this the family I want? I can choose who I want in my circle of family - and I choose someone else. I choose to make beauty from ashes.

Carmel

Absolutely! The more you find ways of helping others and developing quality relationships with people, the less you need to please mother or anyone else that you've had a dependent relationship with. We all depended on our parents but the more "independent" we become, the less it bothers us to be different than our reference group. As an independent agent with a healthy psyche, you will find people needing you as you will become the pillar you think your mother (insert any spouse, sibling or relative)was/is.

Hope it goes well for you.

carm

Purple

No you never stop even when she is no longer around to approve or disapprove. Infact every year it gets harder cause you are a part of her no matter what happens. I hope she wakes up and sees you for the wonderful person you are, regardless of what you believe or dont believe. She is probably assuming that you have all the time in the world to come to your senses and see life her way. Trouble is today is all we have. A missed opportunity never comes again. I hope she wakes up before you or her can no longer wake up.

A spin-off to Does it ever get easier?

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