Based on a discussion last night and a request to write something about it I went hunting through some old posts and found this one. Emotional Blackmail and JWs
We were discussing whether it is emotional abuse when the elders visit us after we have left and wind up being nasty or try to pressure us to go back.
So I was thinking - what are some of their tactics and would they fit into this category?
According to Engel, there are ten behaviors that characterize emotional abuse: domination, verbal assaults, abusive expectations, emotional blackmail, unpredictable responses, constant criticism, character assassination, gas lighting, constant chaos, and sexual harassment. Following are brief descriptions of each.
- Domination A dominator needs to control everything. He decides who you talk to, where you go, what you wear, how much money you have, what you do and when. They frequently will use anger or threats to get what they want from you. They have all the rights, you have none (p. 13).
- Even after we have left the WTS tries to control who we talk to through the shunning practice. They will also try to control where we go - ie: family gathering and meetings and where we will sit if we do go to a meeting. They make all those decisions and you are expected to obey them. And of course the elders are used tomake sure those rules are obeyed. While they don't have any control over the other things in our lives they try to have complete control over certain matters
- Verbal Assaults An abuser will use "berating, belittling, criticism, name calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation." (p 14). These assaults induce fear in the victim and passivity.
- WT literature is full of verbal assaults on those who have left. We become the lowest of the low - a dog returning to its vomit. Shunning is an attempt to do all of the above and while some is verbal most is carried out in silence - and silence too - that invisibility cloak they put over their eyes when we are around serves the same purpose.
- Abusive Expectations Many abusers use constant demands to wear down their victim. They require constant attention, emotionally, physically and sexually. Their victim is expected to drop everything and everybody else to meet the immediate demands of the abuser. Since it is impossible to meet ALL of anyone's needs, no matter what the victim does it will not be good enough, resulting in constant criticism (p. 15).
- The expectation that we will show up at judicial committee meetings when told to or that we will talk to them when they show up at our door. They are so used to doing all of the above while we are JWs they seem to expect that they can continue this after we have left.
- Emotional Blackmail An abuser uses manipulation and coercion to control their victim. They find it easy to use guilt, fear, or even the victims caring feelings towards him to manipulate situations to get what they want. Threats of ending the relationship or giving the "silent treatment" are forms of emotional blackmail (p. 16).
- This almost needs to comment. The caring feelings might be towards your family or God or the organization but they have no problems using guilt, fear, emotions or shunning to get you to conform.
- Unpredictable Responses To keep his victim constantly on edge, an abuser will suddenly change his mood or demands. The victim never knows what to expect. When you think he will react one way he will often react just the opposite. This prevents an opportunity for the victim to feel any sense of stability (p. 17).
- I found this one out. I expected the elders to be kind , loving and supportive. I was shocked to see them act unloving and mean. It was stunning to see the difference in behavior
- Constant Criticism Through constantly finding fault, the abuser wears down the ability of the victim to believe she has any worth or ability to think for herself. Over a period of time he is able to convince his victim that she is incapable of managing on her own (p. 17).
- The WT society does a pretty good job while we are JW to wear people down. Once a person decides to leave the pressure becomes emmense to conform. Every action is criticised.
- Character Assassination According to Engel character assassination "Occurs when someone constantly blows your mistakes out of proportion; gossips about your past failures and mistakes and tells lies about you; humiliates, criticizes, or makes fun of you in front of others; and discounts your achievements." (p. 17-18).
- Well most of us have seen this in action. Partly because some people cannot keep confidences and partly because of the secretiveness of JC people are left to assume what happened. The shunning is about trying to humiliate us. But the JWs believe that we will become depraved monsters once we are no longer a JW.
- Gas lighting This is a technique of trying to make the victim believe she is insane. The victim is told that things she thought happened, didn't; that things that were said, weren't. An subtle attack is made on the ability of the victim to recall things properly. Her honest or sanity is called into question (p. 18-19).
- I've had elders deny certain things were said in a JC. As a non-memeber that theocratic war strategy will be used on me to make it seem like I have the problem with my memory
- Constant Chaos Constant arguments and conflict are used to create chaos and instability. As soon as things are calm individual who are addicted to chaos will instigate a fight to satisfy their inability to live in peace. By doing this they force those around them to live in the same chaos. Eventually everyone becomes uncomfortable with peace and calm (p. 19).
- I wonder if those sporadic elders visits have this effect on people. Since I don't get them does anyone know about this one? How do you feel when they show up at your door?