Love and Choices (page 2)

Maverick

Now we get into the nature of what romantic love is and how close we are willing to let someone get? How loyal are we and what is the hierarchy of our values? For good measure throw in life experiences and try to cook it all down in a recipe for a long lasting love affair. In my 48 plus years...hell if I know! Maverick, trying to take one day at a time!

Phantom Stranger

Love is a difficult thing to define. I go with Bob Heinlein: Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. In that sense, we do choose who to love (The term "fall in love" has a built-in victim statement - "fall" implies a lack of choice.) If we are trying to escape a part of our lives that we are unhappy about, then we easily project outward, making someone else the "answer" (but of course, they aren't). That projection results in infatuation... Love and infatuation can co-exist, or sometimes love can come after infatuation... infatuation is an essential part of a relationship, but it cannot sustain that relationship.

In my considered opinion, if you don't know yourself and the other person on a very deep level, you can't love them. (If you don't know what it takes for you to be happy, how can you actually be forsaking it?)

I personally believe our biggest problem is being infatuated with an illusion.

I never loved you...I loved a picture in my head that looked like you. Kevin Kline, The January Man

Love is not finding the perfect person... it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ??

Phantom Stranger

One more bit:

When we feel incomplete without someone, when we're looking for someone to fill a "hole in our heart", that's infatuation, not love... true love is most powerful between people who are clear that they can operate and succeed alone - they just don't want to.

YoursChelbie

It isn't only men but women also who either choose love or become controlled by it. Of Course. These comments ---were right on target.

"....is in love with the idea of being in love"--SpiceItUp

"Sounds like 'grass is always greener syndrome.' " --Flower

"Men and women can be fickle...(...conqueror, horndog, etc.)" ---Gespro
"It's a matter of committing to the one and sticking with that one. If not, the person wasn't ready to be married in the first place." ---Gespro

Can you all be more insightful? That was great. Thanks!

YC

Phantom Stranger

I don't know if this is true, because I've never corroborated it... but in a relationship book I was reading a few years ago, a noted therapist said that the endorphins and hormones that are secreted in our bodies, triggered by interaction in a romantic relationship, change after about four years, and a different set is secreted.

His position was that until you've had a healthy relationship last that long, you literally don't know what it feels like to be in love for the long term - because our minds and bodies work differently after that period of time.

I'd be grateful to learn if anyone else has heard this or can add any insights...

Phantom Stranger

In a 1988 study, researchers at Yale University attempted to lock in love's lingo by identifying the three types of romantic love that humans experience - infatuated love, compassionate love, and consummate love.
"Infatuated love has only one element - passion. At this juncture, feelings may evolve into a deeper form of love . or not," Justice explains.
The second type of love - compassionate love - incorporates intimacy and commitment, but no passion. Two people experiencing compassionate love can enjoy a comfortable, predictable relationship, perhaps even a marriage - but without the "sizzle."
Consummate, complete love is the only type that includes all three ingredients - passion, intimacy and commitment.
From http://www.uthouston.edu/hLeader/archive/MIND_BODY_SOUL/040204/

Mysterious

He wasn't immediately in love with her, he started spending a lot of time with her alone then realized he was in love. If he respected his relationship with his wife he wouldn't have kept choosing to put more time into his 'relationship' with the other woman.

talesin

Compatibility on four levels: emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual. Doesn't mean you must be the same, just that you mesh. Plus, what PS & gespro said about commitment, readiness, etc.

Mysterious, I agree. Obviously, he wasn't committed to or ready for marriage.

tal

Love and Choices

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