When you left being a JW?

by Sassy 21 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  Sabine

  When I first left I was leaving as a personal protest to Jehovah for how his organization is allowed to operate. I just felt that dying at Armageddon was what I wanted to do to show my utter disgust at how my family was treated after our pioneer daughter's suicide death...i guess my own spiritual suicide?

  A few months later I started researching ex-jw websites. I think it was Shawn's website and an article about how JWs teach that Jesus is only the mediator for the anointed that hit me between the eyes. Then Rays' two book, and many other books, including those describing religious cults. I'm at peace with leaving now.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  I'm like you, Sassy. I left first. I had my doubts and I wished to God the WTBTS did not have the truth; but deep down I believed mostly that they did. I stopped going in 1990.

  When I first got on line in 1999 I looked for the official WTBTS website. I got a search results page with some exjw sites. One of them had the stories of Ray Franz and other elders, etc to read. I read them, then I kind of left them alone. I tried at the end of 1999 to go to the meeting one night with the kids. I felt like an alien. I knew that night that I did not fit in with the cong and never would again. They were weird. We were weird. I was still thinking we were all probably going to be condemned by Jehovah. I was past the point of caring any longer.

  In 2001, I was encouraged by a dear worldly friend to look more thoroughly into the exjw sites. I started doing that and ordered a copy of Crisis of Conscience. I corresponded with an exelder/exbethelite as well. But C or C convinced me beyond doubt that the WTBTS proves false to its claim to represent God in any shape or form or size.

  Flyin'

  PS I thank the higher power for the internet. I remember how they used to tell us to throw away any apostate literature that might be sent to us in the mail. I always thought it would be a hard thing to do, to throw it away and not read it. I was very curious about what the "apostates" were saying. When tempted by the search results page, I caved in to that curiosity. It has proved to be one of the best things I have ever done.
• 

  Big Tex

  I left in 1989, before Al Gore invented the Internet. I had reached a point where I said f**k it. I didn't care if it was The Truth any longer, I just could no longer in good conscience go there. It made me physically ill (try doing that in a suit and tie).

  Having said that, for years I beat myself up regularly for "disappointing" Jehovah. I was convinced I was dead meat. My MS father had skated, no sanctions had come to him for his abusive treatment of me, which I took (in true JW fashion) as a sign that Jehovah hated me. It has only been recently, as in the past 3 or 4 years, that I've come to believe in a God who not only cares for us, but he likes us as well.

  A big turning point in this was hearing a non-demoninational preacher use the parabel of the prodigal son as an illustration of God's affection. He told me to close my eyes and picture walking up the road to God's house. And then he catches sight and his eyes widen, his face brightens and he smiles a huge smile. He gets up instantly and is so happy he runs, not walks, and when he catches up, he throws his arms around in a warm and embracing hug.

  I had never thought of God in those terms before. I remember I teared up when he had me do this. It meant that much to me. I look back now on my days as a Witness with more than a little embarassment. I believed and taught others that Jehovah was a harsh, judgmental god who kept track of every little flaw. All the time, there was a kindly and benelovent creature who for some strange reason liked me.

  Chris
• 

  LoverOfTruth

  I didn't have any feelings at all; I was Numb. I did know the lack of love within the organization was not Christian. I also felt strongly that if we were witnesses only to save our behinds at Armageddon, it wouldn't work.
• 

  Maverick

  Dear Sassy: How do you feel now? Are you over the WTS? Do you think you will ever be fully over it? Thank God for CoC and sites like this! Still, from what I've read on the JWD most people only go so far, change just what they have to to get by and then stop progressing. They don't really get fixed, just unbroken enough to function minimally. Maverick
• 

  ozziepost

  They don't really get fixed, just unbroken enough to function minimally.

  Thought-provoking comment and I tend to agree. Certainly I've always pointed out that the only way to 'move on' with your life is to have some positives in it. Being agin' the WTS and all its inherent negativity will not promote healing and growth as an individual. It simply sets the stage for whatever comes next.
• 

  Black Sheep

  I thought it was probably the truth and had attempted a form of suicide. I was not going to be under WT control and was just going to take my medicine at Armaggedon.

  That was in 1976.

  I've only just found out the gun wasn't loaded.
• 

  LittleToe

  I left a few months after I decided that it wasn't the "true religion" (an opinion that I hold of every religion, but that's another story, and tempered with the fact that I do have a "religious" life).

  In some respects I was fortunate, as I had laid many ghosts to rest, before I took that step.
  I can quite sympathise with how difficult it must be if one has been jettisoned from the womb of pseudo-security, though.
• 

  cyber-sista

  They don't really get fixed, just unbroken enough to function minimally. Maverick

  hmmm...like everything in life it just depends on who you are. I feel I am much further ahead then I was after leaving at first, but like a bad childhood you never really get totally over everything. The positive thing is we can become wiser from our experience and we can help others who are going through similiar hardships . It may be hard to move past some of the personal pain, but we now have the ability to recogize and avoid causing ourselves and others more pain in the future. I have learned from my bad experience with the JW unconditional love policy and I will no longer practice this form of love in my life. This is a major lesson. I guess we can look at it all as a hard and painful lesson, that we can gain from, in the sense of becoming a wiser and more compassionate human being (kind of a no pain no gain lesson in life).

  Otherwise, I am still pissed off a lot , but such is life whether you have lived as a JW or not. Just keep moving ahead--even if it is just baby steps...Be kind to yourself in the meantime--you are only human...
• 

  Rabbit

  Sassy,

  I always felt, I could not live up to JW standards, I had pioneered 3 years, put myself in jeopordy of going to prison for refusing the draft, I was truly a virgin, til I got married at 24. yada-yada, goody 2 shoes.

  I was always told, no matter how hard I tried 'to be useful to the congo', I just was 'not doing enough' or 'need to do more' to become a 'MS or Elder'. My, well my JW conscience, condemned me, I felt terrible. For instance: Remember the mantra of "If you have an un-clean thought, like 'porneia'?" "Or masturbation...?" YOU ARE ALREADY GUILTY OF THAT SIN !! Well, I was guilty. I believed that totally. I began to feel I could never be a good person -- 'resistance was futility' I was a condemned man, who's only hope was "The Paradise Earth" to make me all better and of course, "Listen to the Faithful & Discreet..."

  I had had all kinds of doubts, but as we all know, 'knew' back then..."there was no other place to go"

  So, I stayed for a long time. Someone on this board (I wish I remembered who...), wisely recognized that most JW's will just stay that way -- "until it gets personal..."

  It got very personal... During my separation and divorce, seeing how the Elders handled things with me...they were almost no help whatsoever. Seeing what happened in my X's JW obsessed family (Over 10 MS & Elders) a very closely stacked jury. There were the 'normal' un-niceties happened. Then with the 'help' of her family things went "Code Red." They pulled out the big guns, I was accused of anything in their imagination. A lot of mud...

  I had to beg for help from my Elders, they did not have the time or inclination to get involved. They kept saying, "We just cannot get involved in the private affairs of your marriage." Please re-read that quote...! JW Elders saying JW couples have a 'right' to privacy in their married lives...? Could it be that all JW's have that 'right'...? Even tho' I begged and pleaded, they kept saying, "We cannot help, there is nothing we can do..."

  When those seeds of doubt began sprouting was when my life was falling apart, my X was turning my kids against me with lies, that had no basis of reality, except in her own mind. She actually told the Elders that..."it's just a feeling I have..."

  There I was, still going to meetings...Elder after Elder...standing at the podium, promising to all, "In Jehovah's Organisation, we all know...if we ever have any problems, we can be assured of 'loving help' from God's appointed servants -- the 'Loving Elder' arrangement." And the ever popular retort, "Wait on Jehovah's Org." and "It will be fixed in Jehovah's own time, he has reasons we don't understand for allowing bad things to continue."

  I began to see them, as the hypocrites they were and started to 'tune' them out. Then, the literature & songs, too. I was also being 'marked' (the elders said, no way) people began to get suspicious of me...(after all I'm a man and his wife and kids are gone and he doesn't look happy...wonder what he's guilty of...?) people who had been friends, started avoiding me -- just in case.

  I got disgusted and went to another Hall for a while, that just confirmed my disillusionment...

  I stopped and never went back...3.5 years and counting...

  Flower:

  Therefore whilst a sufferer of post partum depression, being single and a mother to a 3 month old, going back to work full time with a 2.5 hour commute round trip, a high stress corporate job, sleeping a couple or a few hours each night while trying to nurse and take care of a baby, and feeling the pressure of mounting late bills and eviction notices, I now had the added burden of knowing that I was the cause of my sweet babys death because I didnt have what it took to be one of DOG's faithful servants.

  They do pick good times to mete out their loving/help punishment, don't they ? Very Sad, If Jesus is watching what's done in his name, he must cry a lot...