I stopped going to most of the meetings for a couple years because I just couldnt handle it anymore not because I didnt believe it to be the truth. In fact, it was all I knew to be true and therefore I felt crushing guilt each day for not doing what Jehover commanded. Eventually I gave up the guilt and resigned myself to the fact that I would enjoy life to the extent that it was possible until the big A came and wiped me out with all the other wicked people. I didnt fit in the world of course and I often wished that the big A would come sooner. The only prayers I made in those days were asking DOG to have a little mercy and not make me wait for the big A before he off'd me. Perhaps a nice big bus or a sudden coronary.
I was not bothered (nor encouraged) by the JW's except for my mothers regular and rather robotic comments that they 'missed me at the meetings'. However, whilst a nieve and lonely 'inactive' witness, unaware of the ways of the world, and mildly suicidal, I became a mother and no longer considered my current course an option since my new baby should not have to suffer my same fate.
In a state of sincere repentance I went to DOG in prayer and then to the god wannabe's elders and requested reinstatement and in a cryin heap begged for forgiveness for sins. After two sessions of intense questionings solely about my sexual experience, I learned quite a bit more about sex than I knew before, and that Jehover had rejected my prayers. I concluded I must have committed that infamous unforgivable sin and decided to decline thier invitation for another sex talk judicial meeting. I was told by mother my df'ing had been annouced one Tuesday evening.
Therefore whilst a sufferer of post partum depression, being single and a mother to a 3 month old, going back to work full time with a 2.5 hour commute round trip, a high stress corporate job, sleeping a couple or a few hours each night while trying to nurse and take care of a baby, and feeling the pressure of mounting late bills and eviction notices, I now had the added burden of knowing that I was the cause of my sweet babys death because I didnt have what it took to be one of DOG's faithful servants.
My first panic attack shouldnt have come as a surprise with all that I was going through however it was the beginning of about 4 months of mental and emotional hell culminating in a one week stay at the local psych hospital not due to any action on my part but because of something I said to an online friend about how if I were to off myself I certainly would never leave my son to be raised by my wacked out family.
I got myself together and decided to make my little ones life as happy as possible whilst we waited for the big A.
Then I stumbled upon some websites that made for some interesting late night reading ;-).
