Social Skills/Dating

particlesnwaves5

I have a problem. I am lonely as can be since leaving the organization. My children are grown and having lives of their own. I would welcome some suggestions on where and how to go about making new friends. A friend at work said it would be good if I "got out more".

I would like to be around others of the opposite sex but I am scared. My witness mate and I had a very heartbreaking breakup. Also, my parents had deep problems. I am afraid of my own instincts about people.

I am a loner by nature but I think I would be happier if I was in a relationship with someone and also developed some good friendships too.

Have you had problems with people wanting sexual intimacy before you were ready?

How have you coped with the loss of social support since leaving the witness religion?

detective

you might want to look into some adult education classes in your area. that can be a good, non-threatening way of meeting people. Dance classes, cooking classes and art classes can be a nice way to get out of the house.

that's just a suggestion.

aunthill

Hi particles,

I, too, am a "loner" but still need friends. I like people who are talkative (not someone who talks all the time and never listens, b/c I am not a talker myself.) And, yes, I found making friends outside the org to be difficult, and still do. I am still not trusting of people and try to project the "perfect" me. I am trying to overcome that, but it is difficult. Fortunately, I was able to make friends at work, and even though I am no longer working, I still have lunch with them a couple of times a month, and talk on the phone. I belong to a large church (6000 in attendence at 3 weekend services) and I have joined a women's group at the church, so I am in the process of making friends there. One of the ladies I met there is widowed, and would like to have a male friend, but so far has not made a connection. She is looking for a part-time job to keep herself busy. I don't know your age or work experience, but, if you currently don't have a job, you might consider a part-time job, even at McDonald's, just to keep your mind off your troubles.

Aunthill

Nosferatu

I would like to be around others of the opposite sex but I am scared.

It's hard to figure out exactly what your problem is. This is a very general statement. Are you scared of rejection? Are you scared of what she thinks of you? Are you scared of the same thing happening to you? Need some help here, and I can fire some suggestions to you.

I am a loner by nature but I think I would be happier if I was in a relationship with someone

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you don't need a woman in your life to be happy. Happiness comes from achievement, self-perception, passion, (probably more that I can't think of). One good rule of thumb that I learned is that a woman should ADD happiness to your life, not be the source of it. If you base all your happiness on one person, and that person leaves your life, all that you have built will come crashing down on you, and you're right back where you started. Build happiness on yourself, your achievements, your success, and you'll have no problems.

Have you had problems with people wanting sexual intimacy before you were ready?

Yes. I'll tell you something, I cannot have sex with a woman who I have no feelings for. At first, I considered this a problem. Later, I started looking at it in a different perspective, "She needs to earn my d*ck." After I began viewing it in this way, I started feeling a lot better about myself.

How have you coped with the loss of social support since leaving the witness religion?

I've never had much social support. I don't have very many close friends. 90% of my social support is done through the internet. It's a great place to get support from people who don't even know you. You also have a much larger audience - you'll most likely come across someone who has experienced something similar, and you can relate.

I would welcome some suggestions on where and how to go about making new friends.

Don't go out and look for friends because other people tell you to. Go out just for the sake of meeting new people, and having some great conversation. You cannot establish friendships on first meetings. Friendships build over time, just like relationships do. For starters, get out and meet people. Look for women to date (not have a relationship with). It would be good to get into something that has a lot of regulars. Someone mentioned a part time job, which is a great place to meet new people. Join anything that may interest you: Dance classes, Toastmasters, Martial Arts. You can try www.meetup.com which has monthly meetups for people with certain interests.

Any more questions?

Insomniac

Particles-Hi, and welcome!

I think that most of us can relate to how you feel, to one degree or another. The impulse, for many, is to jump right in, make a whole bunch of friends, to replace all the "brothers" and "sisters" that you no longer have. The problem with that is, you end up with a whole bunch of people who may not neccessarily be compatible with who you are. Take your time, and you'll meet people. I was suprised at how easy it was to meet new people, once I'd got past thinking of all worldly people as "bad association", and a few of the people I've met have become good friends of mine over the past 2 or 3 years.

Please read Nosferatu's post (just above this one) very carefully. He makes a lot of good points, probably more clearly than I have. And yeah, it's true, nowadays most people will respect you greatly for taking the whole sex thing slowly. As for those who don't, well, you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, would you? Make 'em work for it!

Best of luck to you!

undercover

Social skills and dating. Notice how so many JWs and now X-JWs have issues with this? Myself included.

As dubs our social skills growth is stunted by how the WTS teaches us about outsiders and worldly people. When you become an adult and you have to deal with non-JWs you look at them as evil somehow. You avoid mingling and meeting. The WTS basically comes right out and says not to associate with non-JWs, even at lunch breaks at work. Years of that influence is going to stunt your social growth.

Dating is wrong(as a young one or if not interested in marriage), so we really never learn how to deal with the opposite sex. Anything outside of theocratic conversation could be construed as flirting, and we all know how that's wrong. I never learned to enjoy dancing because dancing was only for married people(at least in my area). Evertime you saw a couple talking, rumors started to fly about the "next couple". Very puritan. Very damaging.

And now that we are out, we still have social skill issues. It's hard to just become an extroverted, fun-loving, people-meeting person, when for years we have made ourselves into introverted loners and never allowed ourselves into social situations. We have to learn the social skills that most normal people learned in high school.

Wild_Thing

My suggestion ... don't go seeking any intimate relationships right away. Try to get out and do more just for you and just to meet people.

I did not handle very well my complete loss of social/family support. I ended up just being an emotional drain for the few "worldly" friends I did have around. Once I got over it and decided I needed to do something different, I decided I was going to just try to live life and experience it for whatever its worth! So ... in the process, there were two important things I learned:

1) Therapy is great! Non-JW people rarely comprehended when I talked about my JW upbringing and all my family/JW crap. Most did not understand why leaving is so scary. And when they did understand, sometimes the shit just got too deep for them to handle! Look at it this way ... you will be helping yourself AND saving your current friendships.

2) Anything's game, so try something new! I am not saying throw all sense out the window, just most of it! It is just that I found that the more risks I took and tried new things, the more I enjoyed life.

Some things I have done:

I discovered an A/V club that hosts once a month at a local theatre to show the weirdest movies you have ever seen ... they meet on a Saturnight at midnight, but I can sleep in on Sundays now!

I also learned how to play pool. I stink at it, but I enjoy it!

Nightclubs are fun! Most of the time. They were also too exhausting for me to do every weekend. Once in a blue moon is all I can take now. Something else I learned ... honky tonks suck (at least where I live).

Another time, I got talked into trying stamping ... to make cards etc. It was fun (and social) ... I made some pretty cute cards! But the supplies and materials for that hobby is too dang expensive! Besides ... who am I going to make cards for?

I have also dated since then ... some went good ... none developed into anything "special". I discovered things go better when I just go with the flow and be who I am! I still date but do not look for anything to come of it. If it does ... great! But just going to do something fun is enough for me.

Community Ed classes are great! I decided to take a class on the Ins and Outs of buying a new home ... just for heck of it (thinking very long term possibility) and ended up buying one a lot sooner!

------Some other things I discovered since leaving: Live Blues and Jazz clubs ... fine arts movies ... a stupid dice game called Bunco ... internet chat ... I got my master's degree ... TGIF at the local bar after work ... a 2-door convertible ... a few other illicit things that I will not be going into! (I will do again ... some not )

Dan-O

Have you had problems with people wanting sexual intimacy before you were ready?

No. Usually they had problems with me wanting it before they were ready. And that was OK. There were others.

How have you coped with the loss of social support since leaving the witness religion?

I met other people. And more importantly, I focused on developing myself. I could meet a ton of people, but if I was the uber-geek, would they really want to hang out?

donkey

I am lonely always...

Carmel

Join a garden club and bring beauty into the world..but beware of the stamen and pistle thingies...

caveman

Social Skills/Dating

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